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Don't know where to go from here? Warning this may be a bit of a Rant.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey all

I've been with my fiance for just under 7 years and due to be married next year. We are both 23. Both have full time work, a flat, a car and pets.

But...

I have recently and many times before been thinking it may be better if I leave her and have a 'new start' as I think I can have a better life. I feel that I may be better by myself, i'm not thinking I can get someone hotter or whatever I just think i'd be better alone. I feel like I am not getting anything from my relationship; I pay more into the house (food, bills, car etc.) than she does as I earn more than she does as she can't afford too. Our sex life is basically non existent, maybe once a month if i'm lucky or shes been out for a night and feels frisk from the drink but never naturally. Over the years we have talked about these feelings but it always ends in the same result 'its my fault' or 'stop going on about it'...

lets pause; i'm not one of those males that think women just moan and are inequal. I'm also not constantly on about sex and its not all I want from her...

I do my best to support her and give her what she wants but I am a realist so sometimes this can be difficult. I am in a dead end job that pays damn well but it doesn't satisfy me so have been looking to move jobs and perhaps the RAF but this doesnt bode well with my fiance as it would mean moving, i'd work away a lot and initially I would bring in less money. I think if I were to end the relationship I would be able to join the RAF and move away with both less difficulty and guilt for dragging her with me. As I am a tough love kinda guy it would be the cutting off of the gangrene ridden finger to save the hand. I do love her unconditionally but dont think I really like her anymore. I dont want to cause her this pain and go through the mess that will be like a divorce without the marriage as even if we do marry next year I think in years to come it will end this way but perhaps with kids and I dont want to do that.

I could carry on but I wont

Can you help me get my head around what to do and where to go from here.

Thanks
NotM :banghead:

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    First of all: Don't marry when you are already having these kind of problems. Marriage never magically solves these issues.

    Mismatched libidos are a dealbreaker for a lot of people and I kinda agree. Sexual satisfaction is not everything, but an essential part to a working relationship, in my opinion.

    Furthermore, she seems to be not very good at communicating issues. You have a problem, and her response is, that your desires are your fault and to "stop going on about it" which effectively ends the conversation without a meaningful solution for you.

    Sometimes people just outgrow each other. Especially young people like you who have been together for a very long time. You both did a LOT of growing up and maturing during your relationship and it can very well be that you developed apart from each other.

    Basically you are thinking of your future/career/where to go from now on and you see good opportunities that do not involve her. What is stopping you is essentially just the time you've been together and the uncomfortable breaking up part.

    If this relationship does not make you happy and she is not willing to work with you on it, then I would suggest your best option is to move on from her.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi NotM, welcome to the boards :wave:

    This seems like a really tough time for you. What strubbleS mentioned below is quite significant;
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    Sometimes people just outgrow each other. Especially young people like you who have been together for a very long time. You both did a LOT of growing up and maturing during your relationship and it can very well be that you developed apart from each other.

    Basically you are thinking of your future/career/where to go from now on and you see good opportunities that do not involve her. What is stopping you is essentially just the time you've been together and the uncomfortable breaking up part.

    People can grow apart and that's ok. It doesn't mean you don't love them or care about them. Hesitating whether to end a relationship based on how long you have been together is completely normal, as well as a tough decision.
    You say you might want to experience being by yourself - and considering that you have been with her since around the age of 16, thats a completely understandable and healthy feeling.

    I just wanted to highlight something you said;
    I do love her unconditionally but dont think I really like her anymore. I dont want to cause her this pain and go through the mess that will be like a divorce without the marriage as even if we do marry next year I think in years to come it will end this way but perhaps with kids and I dont want to do that.

    If a friend of yours told you this, what do you think your advice to them would be?

    It could be worth thinking of what really is keeping you with her, and whether you want to try being together or not. Ending it will hurt both of you, that's inevitable, however most people who go through tough break ups, do come out the other side.

    You say you've spoken with her before, which didn't seem to help. If these conversations were done because of a fight, perhaps it could be worth trying to sit down with her calmly and open up about everything you both feel

    Try and follow your gut on this one *hug*

    Do let us know how you get on x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Also keep in mind: If you have firm doubts about the relationship and actually prefer to be alone then you simply CANNOT be the boyfriend she deserves. Breaking up is actually the fair option here. Dragging this thing out is not a suitable way to be sensitive to her feelings.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thinking time

    Thanks to everyone who gave advice I have some serious thinking time now.

    NotM :confused:
  • Cat88Cat88 Moderator Posts: 377 Boards Initiate
    Hi NotM - how are you doing? Just to throw another perspective here, you COULD just be getting cold feet a bit. I completely agree with the others in that if things are over you shouldn't get married thinking it will fix it, but equally if you think things could be fixable then maybe just talking more or even getting a bit of relationship guidance could help? This page might help: Should we break up?

    i just don't want you to make a decision you'll regret either way.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Cat88

    I'm doing ok still wracking my brain about how I feel because yeh it could just be cold feet as my partner is the only sexual partner I have ever had and I think I may feel like i've not had the same experiences growing up.

    A lot of the time I think about how much I love her and how things are and what I could do to make our lives better together and I feel happy but then it'll change just as quick.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi NotM :wave:

    There is some awesome advice on here already :yippe: I really just wanted to check back in with you NotM, and find out how you are getting on?

    It's a very hard decision, and before you rush into anything, perhaps it might be an idea to consider taking a break from each other? This is where one of you is removed from the relationship, so one person might go and stay at a parents, or with a friend for a week or two, and it can help gain perspective on what you both want? Sometimes it's hard to have a clear idea of what you want/need when that person is around you all the time; especially as you are living together.

    Going on a break doesn't automatically mean that you will end up breaking up, it can be a great time to get some thinking space, and to review your situation a bit more clearly, here at TheSite we have a great article on what taking a break is, and advice if you do decide this is something you might want to try. http://www.thesite.org/sex-and-relationships/relationships/taking-a-break-2925.html

    All the best with this :wave:
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