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whats wrong with me?! - worried about my sex drive

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello all. I first would like to say that im new here and have done alot of digging to find some professional help on sexual advice. I do not have insurance so a therapist in person is not an option and I cannot express how I feel to my fiance as ive tried so many times and she just doesnt understand me or have any empathy. She just gets frustrated and shes self centered. I feel completly alone. Can a sex therapist please read this carefully and help me understand why I am like I am? My mental health is being effected more and more as I cannot find an outlet to relieve me. Ok here it goes:

First off I want to say I love my fiance more than life itself. She's beautiful and I worship the ground she walks on. I dont express it due to the fact im confused and it's gotten between our relationship. We simply cannot communicate well. We always end up fighting. She is terrible at simply expressing how she feels. Anyway here is my problem. I have an incredibly high sex drive. So much in fact I think it may be a problem. I always have sex on my mind. But not just sex not simple sex between me and her like normal. My mind is always racing. Im some adreline junkie who is always looking for the next sexual thrill. Simple sex is just not an option. I mean I can have sex just fine and even get off fine but I always need more. Let me explain

First off im a fetishist. I have a die hard foot fetish. She knows this and she's great at endulging my foot fetish fantasy but after awhile I needed more than just feet. I felt the need to be dominated with her feet. I wanted her to humiliate me with them and dominate me. Role play of her making me smell them and do with me as she pleases. She knows this but doesnt do it enough. It frustrates me. I wanted more bc I got a rush from it. Since I didnt get it enough I got so frustrated I branched out to foot fetish forums to find that high. Then that got old.. I needed something more I simply wasnt getting that high anymore. I researched online why I want to be dominated so badly with her feet. Apparently im a masochist. I enjoy pain... but not physical pain. I like the mental anguish of humiliation.

Ontop of that I was always so confused as to why I was so interested in her past sexlife. I wanted to know every detail of her sexual relationships with her past boyfriends and flings. During sex she'd tell me about having aex with other guys in the past and I'd be so aroused by it. Again I felt a high. So I played on that. Asked her different questions about her last relationship with her ex. She had the opportunity to have a threesome with him and another guy. I was fascinated. She said she never went through with it but mostly bc her ex said no bc the third party was another guy. Again I felt a high. I was turned on by the thought of her with another guy.

So to get that high during sex I always made her tell me either about her past sexlife or had her tell me things like "yes id have sex with someone else for you". But it was only pillow talk. Outside the bedroom she'd say its hot to talk about it but to actually do it she doesn't think she could go through with it.

Then one night a friend came over and we were all drinking in my room playing a board game. I noticed he kept trying to get her to drink more. And flirting. Every time he did she'd look at me but I could tell she didnt mind it by the look on my face. Id do nothing. I just observed her behavior everytime he flirted. Slowly the more we drank the harder he was flirting. He started to get touchy. I felt a rage build inside me. But I just kept watching. I wanted to see what she would do. He was poking her ribs and laughed bc she was ticklish. She only giggled and then looked at me again. I knew she was trying to see my reaction. I felt as if she were testing me. It got worse. He started tickling her like crazy and she fell back on the floor and him over her. She never tried to stop him. He acted as if I were not there. At that point the rage was to much and I jumped up and stopped him. He apologized and that was it. We went to bed he was staying the night so he slept in the spare room. In bed we talked about it and I kept testing her. I was turned on yet at the same time really hurt. We started kissing and it got hot and heavy then the dirty talk started. I asked her why she didnt try to stop him. She asked me why I didnt try. Next thing you know it lead to me asking if I should bring him into the room. She said go get him then kind of teasing. I said fine and went to the room to get him. He was sleeping. I stood there and hesitated then left back to the room alone. Nothing came from it.

Its clear that night something would have happened if I had gotten him. It was such a rush but yet I hated it. It was so confusing. It bothered me for a few years. Finally after alot of research I found it... apparently its called cuckold its a lifestyle and everything clicked.... weve talked about this and it seems like were like this. Its yet again a high.... im always chasing the high. Whats wrong with me? Im always trying to find a rush with sex. What am I? Can someone explain the psychology behind all this and what I am? And am I alone? :(


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi xxshyguyxx ,

    Welcome :wave:

    On these boards we offer support from us moderators and peers, so if you are looking for more trained advice, feel free to also send this on to our Ask a Question relationships service :yes: This provides confidential advice from a trained relationships advisor.

    First off it's important to note that you are not alone and nothing is "wrong" with you. Your honesty in this thread is admirable and essential in order to deal with what you have been feeling.

    This recurring feeling of a "high" you often mention, is an significant thing to explore. You say that you occasionally get "frustrated" when you want more, but eventually that high gets "old".

    The Relate website mentions that ;
    Having a very high sex drive does not make you a sex 'addict'. Neither does engaging in specific sexual activities, having many partners, looking at porn or engaging in cyber-sex

    However they also have a list of statements that could link to some kind of sex "addiction", which could be worth looking at too;
    Feel that the behaviour is out of control.
    Believe that there may be severe consequences if you continue but carry on any way.
    Persistently pursue destructive high risk sexual activities, want to stop but are unable to do so.
    Need more and more of the sexual activity in order to experience the same level of high followed by feelings of shame and depression.
    Experience intense mood swings around repeated sexual activity.
    Spend more and more time planning, engaging in or regretting and recovering from sexual activities.
    Neglect social or work commitments in favour of the sexual activity.
    Repeatedly try to stop and perhaps stay stopped for a while, only to start up again.

    There also seems to be a lot of testing from both your sides. As you say if you had brought in this guy to your bedroom, things could have ended up very different. Do you think only the fantasy turns you on? If something had happened , do you think it would have hurt the relationship? Sometimes its hard to distinguish between the fantasy and reality until it happens.

    You say you and your girlfriend struggle to communicate well and that she struggles to express how she feels. That can be quite a challenge when dealing with needs in a relationship. This is clearly really important for you and so it could be worth thinking about couples counselling - would you consider this? Relate can also help with this.

    Good luck and do keep us posted *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

    Thank you for the reply. I will most definitely keep you posted. Yes I am very open about how I feel and what I am thinking. I have to be because I have alot going on in this head of mine lol. To be honest christele I have analyses myself alot and my feelings. I feel genuine in my feelings and express what I like clearly to her. I have my doubts but its clear what im excited about bc my body gets excited physically at the thought of these sharing her topics I have with her and when she says she wants to or will I also get an erection merely talking about these taboo topics. She laughs when she sees me get one talking.

    The issue to me is on her end. I feel like she's conflicted about the whole thing. When we talk sometimes she's all for it especially in the bed during heated moments. The stuff she says blows my mind and I feel confident at these times were in the same boat with this. For instance last night during sex she said and I quote "I do want it. Im excited to try a new dick but very nervous. I want a new toy" excuse the language as im not trying to be vulgar only being completely open. We have talked and she likes and enjoys being the dominant one and me.being her submissive. I have subjected myself as her pet. A nickname she created teasingly and literally do what she wants me to at her command and she enjoys it.

    Its improving our relationship as well as we have been fighting alot about me not helping her with the kids as much and her being exausted when im at work all day bc of.taking care of them all day. Last night I came.home and instantly was aroused at the thought of being her pet and doing what I can to make her feel better and less stressed and happy. I kissed her leaned in and asked.her what she wishes from me. So I bathed the kids changed the baby fed him and gave her a foot rub then in bed an orgasam. She rewarded me with my own. Then I got up at 4 am to feed him so she could sleep in.

    She seems happy with this new me. Impressed and even more turned on by me. This is dramatically improving us and I love every min of this. I absolutely love catering to her every need. I get off at her pleasure. I do not feel like a slave really I just feel appreciated and lusted after bc of this. I feel great seeing her pleased. :) I feel like I am a very rare man that normal girls would long for bc of this. I mean what woman wouldn't want a man willing and even excited to do as she says and pleases? Shit... lol...

    Thing is ive read cuckold books. Prepared myself of the jealousy that may come from this. Prepared myself with the logical idea that if and when she chooses another mate that she will enjoy the rush of a new person entering her body and lusting after her. I expect her.to like it and orgasam to him as well as compare. Ive also considered she may even find him better or enjoy this alot for different reasons and may want to continue using her new toy as she says for awhile.

    I brought all this up to her. Discussed every angle every possibly. Every feeling she may feel and what I will feel. I seem prepared for anything. When I brought up the idea of her possibly enjoying him more she laughed and said "well if I do your in trouble and I may do it a few times". To me that seems logical. Hell its exciting. Anything new would be to someone fucking someone else at first. Especially since she's only been with me for the past 4 years. Im expecting anything so im not shocked at what may happen.

    Her on the other hand I believe has no idea what may happen. When we talk she says this is only for me. She admitted a small part may enjoy it bc its.new and she might like it but she says her goal here is to do this strictly for me and to see my reactions and to do it to turn me on.

    Her intentions are for me as she says but I know for a fact if she picks a guy she finds hot and fucks him she will feel things. Alot of things. She will enjoy it for her.own pleasure. She.may like him better she may want to have a fling. Im ok with this and even turned on because I just love seeing her pleasured and getting what she wants.

    My concern isnt myself. Its her and what she may feel once its done. If she can control her emotions. Its a fact that women associate sex with love. I told her she may do as she pleases as long as we are top priority. I dont want her to learn she loves this and losses track of why we did it and get selfish and develop feelings outside of just lust. She said she wouldn't bc its for me. Ut she cant know that until it happens. Im taking a risk. I dont believe she'd ever want to hurt me. She loves me dearly but if I give her this gift of freedom how she naturally reacts is the only unknown equation here. And my only worry.

    She told me she loves this power I gave her. It turns her on when shes sitting in class knowing im, waiting for her to pick someone worthy of being her new toy. Last semester she admitted to me she saw a kid and got turned on and was curious about what his penis looked like. That right there shows me she is interested and its a selfish thought. She is curious herself out of her own lust for him. Its ok... its expected... I knew this. But I dont think she understands that statement she made about him conflicts with what she says her reasons are for doing this. You see im not sure if she graps the thought she is actually doing it for two reasons: 1 bc she knows I want it and wants to see my reactions and get me turned on and 2, bc shes naturally excited selfishly bc its new and exciting. I dont think she sees shes doing it for both. She either is lying bc shes nervous to admit the selfish personal reasons for fear I may get offended or she just simply doesnt understand or see that yet. I only hope she's mentally mature enough to handle this and keep her toys for pleasure and her heart and mind for me. Our sexlife is wonderful. We dont need another male for.her pleasure like alot of cuckolds use them for. I simply want her to get the best of.both worlds. To explore her sexuality use whoever she wants has tons of orgasams from both me and her her exciting fling express her dominance over me by fucking him and teasing me feel high and sexy and amazingly attractive from the power and love me unconditionally and stronger for it. And for it to even improve our relationship and highten our sexlife.

    I even came up with an idea of getting matching necklaces that express our power roles to wear as a symbol that she is my master and I am her lover and her pet. As to add a humiliation aspect to it by engraving a nitch or a date or a mark of some kind everytime she fucks someone else on my necklace to show I am her submissive pet. She loves the idea. It turns us both on.

    I only hope in not testing human biology and it burns me in the long run and it ruin us. Im aiming for.the opposite. If this does go wrong by her developing feelings or something ill know it was ny fault for suggesting this but bc of her mental immaturity and not being able to handle it. Id put no blame on her wnd and would only hate myself. Phew... that was alot to write. Haha.

    What do you guys think? I have to be the most selfless fiance in the world. This is lust.... this is.my unconditional love for her.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    From one fetishist to another - all of this sounds fairly normal! I am in a fairly similar position to some of what you said and often not had the opportunity to act it out. What I have found most helpful is to write out your thoughts and feelings on the matter. It's also very much worth reading up on sub/Dom lifestyle - for some it works, for others it's best to keep it in the bedroom. For me I know that I would have issue with it going past the bedroom door but for others it becomes the cornerstone of their relationship. You can have a very loving sub/Dom relationship but you have to be careful it doesn't become controlling.

    Good luck, and remember communication is the key!!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What do you mean similar? Are you into cuckolding? :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My partner isn't into a huge amount of what I am into in the bedroom. No I'm not.
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