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Confused.com - leaving home after being mum's carer

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Back in April i cut all contact with my mum - she kicked me out because she didnt like that i was happier than her, she didnt like that i had a partner who just proposed (i said yes :D) and in general jealous of me.
She is a alcoholic and i was her carer, i was 19 years old when i left her. i have been her carer since i was a young child, my childhood is non-existent. i dont remember anything before i went into care (aged 9).

the day i went and collected my stuff with police assistence (because she threatened my partner) and she told me horrible things like - i will fail university, i am going to be a family ruiner and child snatcher, im fat, and i will suffer from depression and anxiety like her. the scary thing is, its true some of it... i feel sad and alone most days, i hate myself for leaving her knowing that she needs me.
but in a strange way, i feel relieved... i dont have to come home from university and worry if she is drunk or a mess anymore, i can come home to cuddles from my partner. a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, except this horrible guilty feeling...

am i a horrible person?
do i deserve emotional and verbal abuse?
do i deserve to be happy?

A part of me hates her because of the hurt and pain she caused me and my partner, but a part of me wants to go a cuddle her and tell her i still love her...

someone please help... is this feeling normal? will it pass?


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Welcome to the boards :)

    Sorry ur going threw a lot at the moment :(. U will still love ur mum as she ur mother at the end of the day. U desive to be happy. I know who it feels when u been put in care I went to care when I was little and went threw the same thing. Its really upsetting I was abaused bu all my famliey its not nice. I hate all my famliey what they done to me and still dont speak to some now tbh :*(. U stronger then u think u wont fail at all some time people say things they dont mean at all beause they could be angry they took u away and she not got any contact with u. U got to do whats right for u not want anyone eles thinks.

    Keep us posting hope this helps
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi KellyBear, welcome :wave:

    Well done for opening up about this. You're certainly not a horrible person and have clearly helped your mum out continously, so you should be proud of yourself.
    The guilt you feel is completely natural because your mum has unfortunately completely depended on you and therefore she has made you feel like you're her only chance of getting better. However, the current theme that continously comes us regarding being a carer in your position with an alcoholic parent, and what *Heather* also said, is that it’s important you care for yourself too and think of what you need.

    Similarly, the list below from this article, are all things that would be completely natural for you to feel;

    Feeling isolated and lonely – especially if none of your friends understand what you’re dealing with.

    Worrying constantly – are they going to get sick again? Are they going to end up in hospital? Are they going to die?

    Exhaustion – through doing so many chores, as well as trying to keep up with schoolwork.

    Guilt – because you feel you’re not doing enough, or occasionally you just wish they’d ‘go away’ so you could have a bit more of a life.

    Anger – because you’re not getting the ‘youth’ everyone else has. If you’re caring for an addict and they relapse, you might feel angry at them for not being stronger.

    The fact that you are with your fiancee and cut contact with your mum does not mean you are a bad person. Making this big change will inevitably be a hard adjustment, but you DO deserve to be happy and unfortunately your mum can only truly be helped if she's willing to help herself. None of this is your fault.

    Have a look at the COAP website when you can - it has specific support around young people who have a family member with an addiction.

    Good luck and do keep posting for support *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Heather, It sometimes helps knowing that im not alone and someone is experiencing what i am - hope that makes sense.

    and Chistele I hope it passes, its horrible.

    more recently, i need to change my 3 cats microchips but they are in my mums name, but petlog need to call her to confirm new ownership, and my mum being the pathetic person she is would say no just to hurt me and the cats. i dont know what to do, i dont want them being handed back to her because she isnt able to care for herself let alone 4 cats, (i have 3 of them).

    any advice on changing microchips if you consider the other owner to be inappropiate?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Do you have a local vet you could ask about this KellyBear? I'm not a pet owner but it may be they can help to advise you?

    I wonder if there are any better times with mum and if you might be able to talk to her about the cats or ask her to sign a letter to petlog agreeing that you take responsibility for their overall care? You could draft a letter and ask her to sign it for example? That might be a little easier to manage than a phonecall when it may depend on her mood at the time.

    Just some thoughts..

    Well done for posting about all of this and do keep talking to us as and when you need to *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Kelly

    I'm not a pet owner either, but had a browse around the internet and maybe this could helps?


    I know on the FAQ's it doesn't answer your question as such, but at the end if you scroll down, there is an email address and contact number and so maybe it'd be worth contacting them to see what they'd advise?

    Hope you get things sorted.

    Take care *hug*
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