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Bail conditions in relation to domestic assault- urgent advice needed

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Last night my boyfriend was taken into custody for domestic and sexual assault. He was having some form of psychotic break which ended nastily and when I attempted to call an ambulance for him to be taken into hospital, I was taken in instead for head/eye injuries and the police were called. My issue is the fact I do not wish to press charges, nor do I think it would be good for either of us if he were to be released on bail conditions (whereby I cannot contact him and he can't contact me). He has a very poor relationship with his family and his pregnant ex. It has resulted in him ending up in hospital for attempting to take his own life because he couldn't deal with the situation. I'm worried because the bail conditions will force him to move back to his family and his abusive ex. Additionally, I have been going through a really tough time and he has been my only form of support, so the thought of losing him when I've already lost so much has made me consider taking my own life as well. If he is banned from seeing me it means I will not be receiving enough income to pay my rent so I will also face homelessness if he cannot contact me so I really don't know what to do.

I was wondering if any one has had any experience of this and whether there are steps I could take to ensure he is released without bail conditions because I honestly don't think I can cope with the stress of this and I'd rather die than live without him.


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have decided to retract my statement and state I was exaggerating what had happened to me and that I lied about the sexual assault. Does any one know how long I could be remanded for?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    As much as you want to hear how to iron out all the creases with your boyfriend, I cannot tell you that. Apparently this person beat you and raped (or nearly so) you. You should try to get away from him, not back to him. You cannot rely on him for your mental health. This is something you need to beat with professional help in form of medication or talk-therapy. If you cannot afford rent and are forced to move out, is there a place you can stay, let's say friends or family? Staying with your bf for "support" and rent-money is a very short-term solution. You live with an abusive person, surely this cannot be your future?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Nietzche,

    I'm really sorry to hear that your boyfriend's psychosis has led to you being sexually assaulted. This must be a confusing and upsetting time for the both of you and it's understandable that the police are keen to keep you safe, despite the fact that you're not wishing to press charges. Your situation is complex and it sounds like you're relying on each other in different ways, both emotionally and financially which further complicates things.

    It sounds like you could both do with support outside of your relationship to ease this dependency on one another an also so that you feel less responsible. Are you both currently getting any professional support? Over the coming days and week's the impact of these events may well start to sink in and it's important that you have someone to talk to.

    So I'm going to suggest some links for emotional support around sexual assault and also some links to where you should be able to get some advice around the legal side of things.

    You can use this search tool to find the sexual assault referral centre in your area: http://www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Rape-and-sexual-assault-referral-centres/LocationSearch/364
    Sexual assault referral centres offer medical, practical and emotional support. They have specially trained doctors and counsellors to care for you. If you're considering reporting the assault to the police, they can arrange for you to have an informal talk with a specially trained police officer who can explain what’s involved. (Link)

    You can also contact the free, 24-hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or contact Rape Crisis. They are specialists in this area and will be able to refer you to the relevant contacts in order to work through your next steps.

    If you are experiencing suicidal feelings yourself then we'd suggest speaking to your GP as a first port of call, you can also contact Samaritans for a listening ear at any time of the day or night via phone, email or text: http://www.samaritans.org/

    Let us know how you get on with these suggestions *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He has never been abusive to me when he has been well. When he realised what he had done he cried and begged me to kill him or to just let him die if he tried to kill himself. I love him to pieces and would do anything to prevent him going into jail where he will not receive the adequate treatment or support he needed. I don't really have friends or family I could stay with and I'm obligated to pay my rent as the tenancy is in my name alone. I appreciate your well wishes but unfortunately it isn't really as black and white as you make out. Thank you though.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Also, thank you Jo for the links :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I really do understand where your coming from its hard when you love someone you try and make every excuse under the sun as a reason why you should stay with them but the truth is he's trying to use emotional blackmail knowing that your not going to kill him and if you leave him he will kill himself he's forcing you to stay with him by making you feel guilty honestly the best thing you can do is leave him he will never change you say ur scare of him going back to his abusive ex but he's abusing you
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