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hi, i think i need some help

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi, I hope I've found somewhere to get some support. Recently my wife has beaten me and on each occasion it has been worse. Its so confusing to feel so frightened of someone im supposed to love so much but I am. I'm frightened to say the wrong thing to friends and I am starting to isolate from them just in case I say something she doesn't like. Last week she didn't like my best friend and his wife sponsoring my dragster, she hates my friends wife, so my wife had a drink and destroyed £1500 of three for it. Last Friday she turned on me, she beat me and kicked me until I sobbed like a baby, I was left with my shirt in rags, my nose bleeding, my arms are blue all over and I had lumps on my head where she hit me and kicked me. She has hit me so hard her hand is bruised, she blames me for upsetting her, I feel so lonely and lost, I have kids and im scared to leave and let them down. My wife says its all my fault for being close to my best friend and his wife.

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    Cat88Cat88 Posts: 377 Listening Ear
    Morning braskettcase. First of all, you have definitely found a place for support.

    I'd like to point you in the direction of a page on TheSite: Male domestic violence. This page has some great advice on where to seek more help, such as Men's Advice Line.

    You are not alone, people often forget men can be victims of domestic violence too and what you are going through is not ok. If you get some chance, I think calling this specialist group would really help you.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What you absolutely need to do is leave your wife. You are deep in the cycle of abuse and you will probably try to excuse or rationalize her behavior. "If I could just not upset her, it could be so tranquil". No, your wife is more likely to kill you than stopping. Also staying in a failing marriage for the children is always a bad decision. Do you honestly think your kids benefit from seeing their father getting the shit kicked out of him? Is this supposed to show them what love and marriage is supposed to look like?

    What you do now is call the Men's advice line posed above, tell them your story and accept their help. You should betake yourself to a safe spot where your wife cannot harm you and start talking to a divorce lawyer.

    Your marriage is over, your wife is relentlessly abusing you. Gather lots of evidence of her abuse, file for divorce and get sole custody.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You have found a space for you to get support and I'm so glad you found us.

    Cats suggested some really good organizations there, do you reckon you could take a look at them?

    What is happening to you is NOT your fault. You should feel safe in your home and from what you've said, you don't. No one has the right to do this to you.

    Keep talking to us, you've done a really positive thing :yes:

    Sent by Sony Xperia
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She's giving me an ultimatum, and using my passions in life against me, its my best friend and his wife, and all the chances and doors they've opened for me, or her and my kids, she best me again Friday night and is texting me telling me how awful I am and how I've ruined my marriage by trying to enjoy my life. Its driving me mad, I have no one yo talk to as I don't want people to look down on her. But its having an impact on my job and all manner of things.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't know what to say.. I'm just really sorry you're going through this and I want to offer a huge hug *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you, I could really use a hug, my life is spiralling into a confusing deafening hole
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She's giving me an ultimatum, and using my passions in life against me, its my best friend and his wife, and all the chances and doors they've opened for me, or her and my kids, she best me again Friday night and is texting me telling me how awful I am and how I've ruined my marriage by trying to enjoy my life. Its driving me mad, I have no one yo talk to as I don't want people to look down on her. But its having an impact on my job and all manner of things.

    Dude. You need to wake up. This is no matter where you just go online an whine a bit, because you burnt your favorite meal you cooked half the afternoon, or because you misplaced your car keys.

    Your wife is physically and emotionally abusing you. This is a felony and people go behind bars for that. I think you should come to terms with the gravity of this situation and start formulating an exit plan.

    You even defend her (don't want people to look down on her) you are a TEXTBOOK abuse victim and if you would actually call the self-help line you would find out how "usual" your abuse situation is, how every victim of abuse went through the stages you went and how hard it was for them to realize how fucked up the situation is and how stupid they feel afterwards for not realizing sooner in what kind of hole they were stuck in.

    You had fucking lumps on your head from where your wife kicked(!!!) you. DUDE! People die of untreated head trauma like this ALL. THE. TIME. Come to terms that you need to GET OUT.


    Seriously, some times I don't get this forum. Calls itself a Support-website and most of what it does is dispense internet-hugs. This is a little more serious and needs a bit more than just understanding nodding and a few "There! There!"s.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi braskettcase,

    Did you have a chance to look at the links that Cat mentioned? If you're based in the UK then you may also find CALM a useful source of support: https://www.thecalmzone.net/

    They have a helpine, text and webchat open from 5pm - midnight every day. Emotional support is also really important during this time *hug* Do you have anyone you feel able to confide in?

    As Strubbles has said, what you've described here is indeed serious and I imagine those reading this feel concerned for your safety and the safety of your children. We'd urge you to get some support to help you move forward. You should not have to live in an abusive situation, you have every right to be close to other people and you've not done anything wrong. Even if you had done something, abuse is never an acceptable response.

    This page from the Men's Advice line outlines how you can stay safe and also how you would report this to the police if/when you feel ready: http://www.mensadviceline.org.uk/pages/straight-male-victims-of-domestic-violence.html
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    **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    Seriously, some times I don't get this forum. Calls itself a Support-website and most of what it does is dispense internet-hugs. This is a little more serious and needs a bit more than just understanding nodding and a few "There! There!"s.

    Hi StrubbleS, not sure if you saw braskettcase's response to the hugs before you posted this, but it's fair to say that unless you've walked in another man's shoes, don't underestimate the value of simple human connection and recognition as part of the mix of responses someone might receive. This forum is absolutely a combination of emotional and practical support. By all means be an advocate for straight-talking advice - but be careful of making assumptions about the value (or your perceived lack of it) that other people bring with their approach.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What I was trying to say:

    The OP already rationalizes his wife's behavior. As if he kinda deserves what is getting to him. If you just offer some e-hugs or say "yo man, here's some weblinks to browse at your leisure", how do you think a guy who essentially thinks his wife is in his right and he just messes up by angering her is gonna realize the amount of deep shit he is in? You need first make a person deep in the cycle of abuse acutely aware that this situation is absolutely out of the ordinary and needs immediate steps to rectify.

    This is - potentially - a life threatening situation.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Nothing you can say will somehow force the OP to change his way of thinking, that comes with time. You're doing all of the blunt talking, I'm allowed to offer a hug if I want to. It's a fucking shitty situation to be in and in my opinion a hug is more than enough - still shows OP that I care and that he's not alone, just as much as your direct talking does, and much better than no reply at all.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    BC violence from a loved one is the hardest to take, we make excuses for them, people don't understand why we stay, put up with it even.

    it is not your fault, easy to type and hard to believe I know. do get some outside support, and if possible your wife clearly needs some help,

    im just going to send you a hug cause ive been where you are and people can say all matter of things, and we know in our heads they are right but it isn't enough to leave the situation we are in. just stay safe xxx
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