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I hit my fiance in self defence after she choked me - was I right to?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Just over a month ago I went to see my fiancé at her place (she still lives with her parents) in the early evening to catch up etc. She appeared to be quiet & snappy with me after a few hours of being in her company which I put down to her long week at work.
As the evening went on I asked her if she was ok to which she said that she was fine. Later on I asked her again & she snapped that if there was something wrong she would tell me - fair enough!
She didn't want dinner so I ordered a take-away for myself. When it arrived I was eating in the garden as it was sunny (she was sat next to me sunbathing) & then she went inside as she said she was too hot.
I followed inside 5mins later & sat downstairs. She had disappeared upstairs & around 20mins after I finished my dinner I went up to see if she was ok, she appeared ok but looked moody. So I went back downstairs to sit with her parents (giving her space - sensing her mood.) She later came down & we all watched tv.
As the night went on she was snapping at her mum for the most minor of things & was getting a bit sarcastic - becoming rather nasty. Her mum did say to her to stop swearing etc. Throughout the tv watching she barely said anything to me.
Shortly after her parents decided to go to bed so they went & turned the light off leaving the tv on for us. 20mins went on & I tried to make small talk with her which resulted in one worded responses.
At this point I'd had enough so I said to her that I was going home & not to contact me until she had snapped out of this horrible mood. She then grabbed my arm & said "don't leave me" so I said I'm not leaving you, I'm just leaving the situation.
She then said that her gran was unwell & that she felt she was the only one looking after her. She then accused me of saying that I like a picture of a famous woman on facebook. WTF!
Now the scary part..........
So I took a deep breath & stood up, & as I turned round (she must have shot up) & I felt both her hands round my neck pressing really tightly & this look of madness in her eyes. I found myself putting my hands round her neck only to push her onto the couch.
This was the first time we have ever had a physical confrontation or even argument in the 2yrs we've been together (it has always been a honest, loyal & happy relationship.)
I pushed her onto the couch & I stumbled forward slightly, I then stumbled back by which point she leapt up, jumped on & straddled herself over me & started choking me again. There was no speaking throughout this scuffle.
I was shocked & scared at this then suddenly her mum & dad came running downstairs panicking wondering what was going on. Her mum tried to pull her off (with some force as my fiancé is strong for a woman.) I then remember lashing out shouting "get off me" as she was pulled away with a struggle from her mum.
As she got up her dad switched the light on & my fiancés nose was bleeding so she ran for a towel then stormed over to me & slammed the engagement ring into my hand & said get out this house before pushing me outside. I apologised & said I didn't realise I had punched her (especially to her face) as I couldn't see exactly where I was 'aiming' because it was pitch black but she said get out so I did & went home.
I phoned my parents explaining what had happened & they said not to phone her that night as it will make things worse. So I waited until the next day before phoning her but she ignored my call, I left a message & she texted me to say I could meet her that evening outside. We talked & I apologised profusely & she said she could forgive me for the struggle but not for the punch & that she wanted space for a few days with no contact.
Basically I want to know if there is anyway I can get my fiancé back as I truly love her, don't want to lose her especially of this & she said she still loves & cares for me (when I met her the following day?)
I am not a violent person & have never hit a woman before but this was a genuine accident.
I hope you can help me here as I'm so depressed & miserable right now & this was just a silly incident that got out of hand.
Many thanks
As the evening went on I asked her if she was ok to which she said that she was fine. Later on I asked her again & she snapped that if there was something wrong she would tell me - fair enough!
She didn't want dinner so I ordered a take-away for myself. When it arrived I was eating in the garden as it was sunny (she was sat next to me sunbathing) & then she went inside as she said she was too hot.
I followed inside 5mins later & sat downstairs. She had disappeared upstairs & around 20mins after I finished my dinner I went up to see if she was ok, she appeared ok but looked moody. So I went back downstairs to sit with her parents (giving her space - sensing her mood.) She later came down & we all watched tv.
As the night went on she was snapping at her mum for the most minor of things & was getting a bit sarcastic - becoming rather nasty. Her mum did say to her to stop swearing etc. Throughout the tv watching she barely said anything to me.
Shortly after her parents decided to go to bed so they went & turned the light off leaving the tv on for us. 20mins went on & I tried to make small talk with her which resulted in one worded responses.
At this point I'd had enough so I said to her that I was going home & not to contact me until she had snapped out of this horrible mood. She then grabbed my arm & said "don't leave me" so I said I'm not leaving you, I'm just leaving the situation.
She then said that her gran was unwell & that she felt she was the only one looking after her. She then accused me of saying that I like a picture of a famous woman on facebook. WTF!
Now the scary part..........
So I took a deep breath & stood up, & as I turned round (she must have shot up) & I felt both her hands round my neck pressing really tightly & this look of madness in her eyes. I found myself putting my hands round her neck only to push her onto the couch.
This was the first time we have ever had a physical confrontation or even argument in the 2yrs we've been together (it has always been a honest, loyal & happy relationship.)
I pushed her onto the couch & I stumbled forward slightly, I then stumbled back by which point she leapt up, jumped on & straddled herself over me & started choking me again. There was no speaking throughout this scuffle.
I was shocked & scared at this then suddenly her mum & dad came running downstairs panicking wondering what was going on. Her mum tried to pull her off (with some force as my fiancé is strong for a woman.) I then remember lashing out shouting "get off me" as she was pulled away with a struggle from her mum.
As she got up her dad switched the light on & my fiancés nose was bleeding so she ran for a towel then stormed over to me & slammed the engagement ring into my hand & said get out this house before pushing me outside. I apologised & said I didn't realise I had punched her (especially to her face) as I couldn't see exactly where I was 'aiming' because it was pitch black but she said get out so I did & went home.
I phoned my parents explaining what had happened & they said not to phone her that night as it will make things worse. So I waited until the next day before phoning her but she ignored my call, I left a message & she texted me to say I could meet her that evening outside. We talked & I apologised profusely & she said she could forgive me for the struggle but not for the punch & that she wanted space for a few days with no contact.
Basically I want to know if there is anyway I can get my fiancé back as I truly love her, don't want to lose her especially of this & she said she still loves & cares for me (when I met her the following day?)
I am not a violent person & have never hit a woman before but this was a genuine accident.
I hope you can help me here as I'm so depressed & miserable right now & this was just a silly incident that got out of hand.
Many thanks
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This discussion has been closed.
Comments
No, she has not apologised, nor has she acknowledged that she was at fault, she hasn't shown a scrap of remorse and is basically shifting the responsibility onto me.
I feel totally run down & drained emotionally because of her.
Also, in case that is really important to you: Yes you were perfectly justified to defend yourself against an attacker that could seriously injured you, regardless of what kind of genitalia this person has.
Break up with her or come to regret it.
Also, don't downplay the seriousness of this situation. This was not a silly accident, oh whoops I tried to be cute. She attacked you, goddamn man, wake up.
Maybe I'm in denial but I strongly believe this was a complete one-off with me when she choked me twice.
She has never been violent to me ever in the whole of the relationship up until then and believe it or not she was the kindest, sweetest, loving, loyal & caring girl. That's what makes it more confusing & upsetting to me as to how she could turn like this out of nowhere. :crying:
I don't know if it was entirely for liking the Facebook picture but she was moody with me for a few hours before that and was sulky with everyone.
We are only engaged because she pressured me into marriage from early on into our relationship. I caved in eventually after some consideration and realise that I do want to marry her.
Do you think that is too early to contemplate marriage?
Doesn't bear thinking about. :eek2:
Thanks.
I'm not just going to lie there and take a beating, because she could have done worse if she didn't get pulled off by her mother.
Even then she was still grabbing onto my T-Shirt as she was being pulled off.
It's not like I beat her to a pulp, it was one straight blow.
Attempted murder?
This is clearly a serious situation and not one that should be responded to light heartedly. At this stage it sounds like reality and emotions are incredibly blurred and whether or not you should marry is probably not the best question for you right now - it's probably more a case of does this relationship have a future at all?
I think it's fair to say that at this stage, your relationship has reached a really difficult point - trust has been tested and you both need space, time and emotional support to be able to get some perspective and to decide whether or not it's worth taking things forward and whether or not its even safe to do so - for either of you.
Can I just check, are you in the UK? and how old are you guys?
Hi Helen,
Thanks for your great reply.
Yes I'm in the UK. I'm 26yrs old and she is 23.
There are quite a few alarm bells ringing for me. The first is that it came out of nowhere, over something that sounds quite trivial. The second is - it wasn't just an impulsive act... like a slap, a shove or a push. I'm not saying that those are by any means OK, but she tried to choke you, and not just once, but twice! And lastly - she hasn't apologised.
If you're side of the story is the reality of what happened, then I don't think the fact that your fist made contact with her face in the struggle is the biggest problem here.
I really don't know what to recommend, but please do not let her minimise what has happened. It must be really hard to adjust, as you say this is so out of character - but please remember the severity of what she did to you in the days and weeks to come when analyzing your relationship.
Stay safe.
I noticed that you mentioned you felt that the relationship was a happy one without arguments, but then you also talked about feeling pressure to get engaged - so I guess that might be a sign that there may be some conflict or pressures that you're not fully conscious of, or that are more important than you've realised. There's also a sense that your girlfriend may have a side to her that you're unaware of - or that there has been signs of, but has been easier to ignore than confront?
At this stage, I'd say there's all kinds of risk around her wellbeing and yours and so getting some perspective is key. Here are three 1-2-1 options that you may find helpful to really delve into what's going on in more depth from people who are trained to support you.
The first is the couple connection, their listening room is open most of the time and is a space to talk anonymously about what's going on for you right now with a trained relationships advisor.
The second is Relate which is an organisation also specifically supporting people with relationships issues. this link gives you their live chat opening times - it tends to be late morning to afternoon, so not so accessible but a good reputation.
The third is a chat offered via the young mens charity C.A.L.M - they're open from now until later tonight and can be visited to get some sense of what you can do next in this situation.
Finally, you might find this loveisrespect quiz handy to get some perspective. It's an American thing, but does ask some questions that may get you thinking.
Whatever you do, keep being open and honest and don't feel there's any rush to 'fix things' or get back to where you were before, because they may well not be right for you now.
Yes, that is what alarmed me aswell. She could have dealt with it much better by actually talking to me instead of physically restraining me.
She has asked for space currently so I don't think I will get the answers I'm looking for at the moment.
I find it very disturbing that she hasn't apologised or acknowledged any part in the incident - she's actually minimising any responsibility and blaming me!
She had the audacity to say to me that she can't forgive me for the punch but could forgive the struggle!
I have been very traumatised I must admit following the attack & feel very depressed.
I have been to the Doctors and have been diagnosed with moderate to severe depression and prescribed anti-depressants.
Ad I've already said, that's because I'm trying to get as much advice as I can.
Taking your posts at face value, this is all clearly having a major influence on your life and the process of repeatedly posting on forums to receive different responses may be becoming a little addictive and in turn prevent you from coming to terms with what's actually going on.
I'm going to close this now as it really feels like you would benefit from a pause to take stock of everything people have said in the last month - spend some time digesting and perhaps come back to us afresh with some of the conclusions you've gathered.
Finally, I know it may seem a bit unfair for me to close this, but I do have your best interests in mind, so please dont hesitate to drop me a pm if you have any concerns.
Take care