Relationship anxiety helppp

Former Member

Hi, so I'm 20 years old and have just got into a relationship with a friend who is slightly older than me (27), I liked him for a long time, but had previously had a fling with his best friend (who he lives with) which has made our relationship run a bit less smoothly than usual.

Anyway, I have liked him for a long time, but used to do a lot of chasing and would get incredibly stressed if he didn't reply to me for a while, or if he seemed uninterested.

However, now we are together, and he is absolutely lovely to me all the time, and makes me laugh, smile etc etc, so my anxiety isn't coming from a lack of interest from him anymore. I felt so over the moon and happy at the start of our relationship, then suddenly a turn of horrible panic attacks, and anxiety struck me when I began to think about our relationship. This got so bad that I was physically sick at one point when I bumped into him at a party.

I previously had a very serious relationship, which I ended after 4 Years, and my partner was so horribly devastated that it just made me feel like the most horrible person in the world, I couldn't deal with how upset I had made him. I think this is where the problem lies in my new relationship.

I worry about the prospect of ever having to end things with him, so much that I convince myself I hate him, and my head try's to convince me that he's bad and I don't like him and at some points makes me think I'm not physically attracted to him (which is ridiculous because I am and have been for nearly 2 years)

This anxiety is taking over my life, and making me panic every time I am planning to see my boyfriend, (which when I do see him I normally forget it and feel happy) however sometimes it appears in my mind, and I feel like I can't talk to him or go near him, which obviously makes him feel very confused!

Searching anything about 'not being sure' on the internet brings up a whole load of advice such as 'if your not sure you need to end things' which just makes everything a million times worse as I start convincing myself I don't like him again, but I know deep down I do, and that's not what I want.

Please someone help me get out of this horrible phase.

Oh, and probably a good idea to mention that I've experienced bad anxiety, insomnia etc many times before in previous life situations.

Any help v appreciated!

Former Member

Hi B1234, welcome to the boards :wave:

There are many things that could be causing this anxiety and it's very understandable that this feels horrible. Having had similar symptoms in your past is indeed relevant (have you spoken to someone about this? Whether it be a professional or friends/family?) - however there seems to be a lot going on with you when faced with this particular relationship.

Could it be that you are scared about losing control about how this relationship will go? That maybe you are actually happy, but worried about what he feels and if it's going well?
Also, perhaps because ending your previous relationship really hurt your ex, you occasionally doubt yourself and your decisions? It might feel like you doubt him or the relationship, but perhaps it's more about you.
The fear/worry of it possibly ending one day is natural, however considering your past relationship it must be much stronger. Making yourself believe you "hate him" or "he's bad" could be a protective barrier just in case it ends - would you agree with that?

If you can, try to make a list of all the possible reasons you feel this anxiety - and when exactly they happen. Try to grab that thought that rushes through your mind before that panic attack. The more you explore what triggers this, the more you will understand it. It will take time and patience (from you and him) but this is worth exploring to avoid it happening again. Panic attacks are a way of telling you something is wrong and it's important to listen - so well done for posting here.

Lastly, and very important, have you spoke to your bf about this? Does he know you get anxious? do you feel you can open up to him about this? Getting it out could really help lower that anxiety. Have a look at our site "Madly in love" that helps explore mental health, sex and love.

Good luck and do let us know how you get on *hug*

Former Member

Hi Christele,

Thankyou very much for your response.

I haven't spoke to anyone about this, I'm particularly bad with talking about my problems and tend to let them build up and circulate in my head causing more worry.

Yes I think it could be to do with that, my worry is mainly that I don't know if our relationship is 'right', I read far too much into whether we are the stereotypical couple, and whether he's the 'right' person for me, whatever that is. My mind seems to try and convince me that he's not, which causes a constant battle, as I know that I want to continue the relationship, but all these voices in the back of my head are constantly telling me it's wrong and I don't like him etc etc.

I think it's definitely about me rather than him, but I still can't seem to stop thinking it, as much as I tell myself it's not the truth. As ridiculous as it sounds, it's as if something in me is trying really hard not to believe that I like him. Maybe it's that I don't want to let my barriers down.

Ok, I shall try that. Usually the panic attacks aren't a sudden thing, more just happen often throughout the day whenever I start having the battle in my head over whether I like him or not.

No, I haven't spoke to him about this. It's a pretty new relationship, and I feel like piling my anxiety worries on him could cause him to freak out and run.

Thanks for your help

Former Member

The worry you feel about this relationship being "right" is a normal worry. However it seems like perhaps you are putting too much pressure on yourself because you had one that didn't work out before and you don't want it to "fail" again. It's not easy to be in long term relationships that end and then start a new one without those worries, so go easy on yourself and try to rationalise by realising this is a new relationship and you can't have that answer just yet.

It's completely up to you when you feel it's the right time is to tell him about your anxiety :yes: Are there any friends or family that you think you could open up to? This could lighten the build up for you and ease the worry a little. You would be surprised how many people experience anxiety.

If you say your panic attacks come up throughout the day when your head is having those battles, then perhaps writing down all the negative thoughts that cross your mind at that moment - then look at them and consciously write the opposite, or the positive or the rational of it. Carrying this around with you and reading it during those panics could help your automatic thoughts of negativity and fear, turn more positive.

Do let us know how you get on *hug*

Former Member

Hi Christele,

So I told my boyfriend over text how I was feeling, and then I saw him yesterday. It seemed a bit awkward because he wasnt quite sure how to act towards me, and then I began to get panicky again and couldn't relax and have fun with him. I then came home this morning, feeling very panicky and worried that I'm not going to be able to act normal again, and I had a panic attack.

I've told my mum who says she used to have bad anxiety, and I have worked out that I just literally analyse every single thing about mine and my boyfriends relationship, trying to work out if I really want to stay with him or not, and them I manage to convince myself that I don't know if I do and get very panicky. I just want to stop doing this and be able to relax, but I can't

Please help I need this to stop

James

Hey B1234,

How are things at the moment? Did you have an okay weekend?

Anxiety can be such a difficult thing to live with, especially when it affects our relationships like this. It's not easy to work through, but well done on telling your mum and your boyfriend - opening up to someone about all those little thoughts racing around is pretty scary, so that must have taken a lot of courage

Did it help talking to your mum about it?

Christele has talked about some really great options above and it sounds like you've followed some of them through, which is really positive!
It's understandable that analysing everything in such detail can lead to you feeling anxious and panicky, but I can imagine that's not an easy habit to break?

In addition to the links Christele included, you might like to read our article on telling your boyfriend you have a mental health problem.

We also have a true story from someone who found help for panic attacks. One of the things she says helped was visiting her GP, which might seem like a pretty scary step but can be a great way to get the support you deserve
There's an article on going to see your GP about a mental health problem that might also be helpful when deciding your next step.

Do keep us posted