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Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello all, I'm new here. I'm 26 years old. I'm having trouble maintaining an erection during sexual intercourse with my partner. When I do maintain an erection, I cannot orgasm. My partner orgasms but I haven't and it makes them feel inadequate. How can I maintain an erection and orgasm during sex?
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I am really not sure at all!I am only 17 however I do know that this is quite common so nothimh to worry about at all!
Sorry i didnt have any help for you!xx
And that's okay. I'm hoping someone can help on here because it's making me extremely anxious. I do suffer from anxiety and I'm thinking that could play a role in it as well. It still needs to be addressed and I need to overcome whatever the issue is.
Someone will definitely be able to help you but maybe it is just too early for them at the moment aha!
How many times has it happened?If its happened a few times maybe you should see a GP?Or go to a sexual health clinic?
Also,take a look on the internet and do some research.x
I have been told by drs that anxiety can affect ur shall we say "performance" if u stop worrying about (easier said than done i know!) U will find that ur performance is all okaii :-).. hope this has made sense.. xx
It's happened with each partner I've been with. I've considered going to a urologist about it but I'm embarrassed to talk about it in public..
You're not alone in finding these things embarrassing to talk about, but it is a really common problem, and your doctor or sexual health practitioner isn't going to be surprised or embarrassed.
You could also try services that aren't face to face, there's a list here (see especially Brook and Sexual Health Line).
Going through a few questions might narrow it down a bit (please don't feel obliged to answer anything you don't want to though).
The first one would be: do you have the same problem if you're by yourself, or only when you're with a partner?
Can you maintain an erection when masturbating? If yes, the problem is not medical and it could just be what some call the death-grip syndrome, which means that the grip with your wank-hand is considerably tighter than your partner's vagina, which makes it hard to maintain an erection during sex. To eliminate this possibility, just do not masturbate a couple days before having sex, this could also help with the problem of not being able to orgasm.
Second, as others have said, performance anxiety is a common cause for erectile dysfunction. First of all I would start to talk to your partner, that you are nervous and that this interferes with your ability to maintain an erection. She is absolutely not to blame for your inability to come and her disappointment/feelings of inadequacy really do not help the issue. They need to understand and need to be on board with this. Once you and your partner internalize this you will be more at ease as you know that the sex is about enjoyment and not performance and that you do it for the act, not the goal. The feelings of anxiety will fade and so will the issues.
It's most likely related to my anxiety but there needs to be a way to control it or I risk losing this partner if it doesn't improve our sex lives, and it will continue to make me anxious and skeptical about any future partners I have. I've actually only been with four women and I'm 26. 3 out of the 4 women were partners in a relationship with me. Only one was able to eventually get me to orgasm but it took 45 minutes. I know, I know. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but my current partner thinks that I shouldn't take that long if I'm enjoying myself and attracted to her body. I am! I know I'm not attracted to men or anything like that. I think she's incredibly sexy and her bedroom talents are top quality. That is why I'm struggling so much with this. I don't want her to feel inadequate or depressed as a result of our sex activities. It should be fun and enjoyable for everyone.
I give you a page out of my book. I, too, had the problem before. At the time I was very stressed, nervous and had problems focusing on the task. My thoughts would wander during sex. Instead of being mentally where I should be right now, I thought about duties, errands and stuff. Yea, that's a sub 5 second boner killer. With the patience and understanding of my partner (That was actually surprising for me, I was considering breaking things off, because I was so embarrassed and was fearing harsh criticism) I overcame the problem and I once again ascended to my rightful status as a sexgod and we spent a couple more raunchy weeks together (it ended on unrelated grounds).
This honestly can be cured with being in the right mindset and being more confident of yourself (the erection part) and the cut down on porn and wanking, which can be done VERY quickly, you just have to get around to it. About the not cumming part. Could be that this is because of the death grip issue, but I heard before that some men just have a really hard time orgasming. If it's a problem to you that you cannot overcome by yourself I would suggest seeing a doctor about it, if it is no problem to you I would make your partner understand that it is simply physically not possible for you (and hasn't been with former partners) and that she needs to stop trying to find a scapegoat for that. I am sure she can have a good time having sex with you without you cumming.
Solid advice, thank you very much. The thing is, she was having a great time. I made her orgasm five different times and we only had sex twice. Just from foreplay she had two orgasms. But I suppose she felt unfulfilled because I wasn't having them as well? Our anatomy is certainly different. Men can't get off five times in the same manner as a woman without being exhausted and sore afterwards. Usually two would be my limit, maybe three. I think it's something we can overcome. Both of us have a lot of stresses from other sources in our lives but the bedroom should be a relaxing and enjoyable time. She isn't pressuring me in the sense that there's an ultimatum, but I don't think she fully understands and blames herself for the problem I'm having..
Thank you again.
I just wanted to add a couple of things:
That's really good news, as it means you've got a healthy sex drive and the physical side of things is all working well.
I know it's easy to end up feeling like that in your current situation, but I can see from that statement what a massive pressure you're putting on yourself. This problem is solvable, and it doesn't have to damage your relationships in the long term. You're obviously able to think and communicate about it, and those are the most important tools you need to get through this.
Good work! Hopefully that gives you a confidence boost. It sounds like she's also not completely confident about her sexual ability in this situation, so you might be in more similar situations than you feel you are. I wondered if there are other things you could try so that you could orgasm together with her. For example oral or manual sex, or you could masturbate in front of one another. If you can find something that works, that could be a really good point to move forward from.