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What's wrong with me?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm in High School.
(This is fairly long, but I need help, so please read all of it.)
I have a girlfriend, I've been with her for 5-6 months.
Since the beginning of the school year, I've had a LOT of anxiety that has been affecting my life.
Since the beginning of the school year I've had unwanted thoughts and delusions that involve around her. These thoughts mostly involve another guy doing something sexual with her, or her cheating on me. These are COMPLETELY unfounded, she's incredibly faithful. She's also attractive, which probably adds onto my paranoia.
Some things about these anxieties:
1. They are semi-intrusive, but once they enter my mind, I focus on it. It's almost as if I'm trying to look for a way that something is going to/has happened.
2. They give me pain. They make me want to clutch at my heart.
3. They are almost entirely unfounded.
4. ANYTHING that happens with her that involves another man and I'm there to witness makes me come to conclusions that barely fit a system of logic.
5. They have made me have doubts about my OWN FRIENDS that me and my girlfriend share that are male, and some that are even female
6. (IMPORTANT) I know that they are delusions. I am completely aware of that.
7. They occur at random intervals during the day, on and off. Some days I don't even have them.
8. I have had them since the beginning of the school year (roughly 3 weeks ago)

Now, I have told her about these feelings I have been having, and she has managed to reassure me about how much she loves me, and how illogical these delusions are (which I knew, of course). This kept me satisfied for no more than a few days. Sometimes I am reassured by her behavior, but only for a few hours.

One weekend we hung out with friends at her house, I had her in my sights so I wasn't worried about the stuff above, but I wanted her close to me all the time. I wanted to hold her as much as I could, and I felt so much worse when she wasn't touching me.
A lot of our other friends were there, but I just felt... like an outcast. I was extremely negative about how well I was doing socially, about how I didn't fit in. I realized that these negative thoughts were probably the reason I wasn't communicating well, but that didn't make a difference.

After that, when I got home it began to rain. I went out onto the side walk and sat down, very depressed, and I just sung random lyrics that I made up on the spot, just to get my feelings out. When i was done with that, and I was going inside, my neighbor stopped me. He asked me if I was alright, I was taken by surprise and I made sure to immediately change my persona. "Yep!" I said with a smile, "Just enjoying the rain!". He came up to me, he saw right through me. I guess he saw me on the sidewalk. He told me that he was an outsider when he was my age, that he didn't have any real friends, mostly acquaintances. I suppose it was similar for me, but that wasn't the problem. Yet, for some reason, it really made me feel... sad. I guess. I felt emotion, something I almost never feel, and something I NEVER show. As I was going back inside, I punched the wall, hard. I wasn't mad at him, I just felt like I needed to. I got up to my room, and I immediately began to bawl.
I. Never. Cry.
I am a logical, cynical, insensitive, unemotional bastard. Sometimes I wish I understood my emotions, what I felt, but I never do.

Anyways, a few hours later, I messaged my girlfriend, and she reassured me about her faithfulness and other shit I was insecure about. I've never felt so weak before. Emotions made me feel so weak and pathetic. But she made me feel really good.
I was feeling really good.

A few hours later, in the evening, I felt happiness surging. This would be great, except my sister and my mom were having a really bad fight. Like cursing and stuff. My mom does that a lot. She is most certainly mentally unstable, but that's a question for later. It was pouring rain by this time, and I heard my sister muttering some stuff about our mom making her want to kill herself, and she went out into the pouring rain. In my elevated state, I didn't see the red flag at first... I told my mom what she said, and my mom screamed at me, she told me "WHY THE FUCK DON'T YOU GO OUT THERE AND GET HER IF THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID?!" and then my sister came back in.
That didn't ruin my good mood.
I was listening to music, singing with it really loud, feeling so so good, I felt like doing stuff. Except I wasn't really even singing along lol, I didn't even say the lyrics right. It just felt so good to like open my mouth and roughly sing the music.

Sometimes I feel like that at school, when I'm not depressed about my girlfriend. I feel like I'm the king of the school, like I can do anything, and I did really well in my classes. Those feelings lasted way less than the depressed feelings. The way too happy periods were only for like an hour.

I don't know what the fuck is going on.
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