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Struggling to stay alive.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Heyy...*waves*

Ok... I don't know why I'm still alive... There's no need for me to be on this earth, there never has been and never will be. I don't know how much longer i can be this strong owlie that everyone thinks i am. It hurts everything hurts:(

I'm tired of fighting this feeling... Trying to stay alive... I messed up big time last night... I was a month clean, im not anymore:( im such a failure. Everyone would be disappointed, my gran, Thomas everyone.

My family are never done maki g me feel like shit for the want if another word, they constantly call me fat,ugly,freak,twat and others... They wonder why I hate myself so much... They wonder why i refuse to eat... I can't do this anymore...

I'm sorry all.
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Comments

  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Hey owly :heart:

    Firstly I am sorry to hear how much you are struggling at the minute. *hug*

    I am glad you are still around, cos you have lots of friends in this community and we all love you.

    A relapse is part of recovery and a month is a big achievement, don't be so hard on yourself lovely one

    People wont be disappointed, they will be proud of you for writing this thread and reaching out for the support that you do deserve. I know you don't think you deserve the support but you do and I will continue to tell you that every day if I have too.

    You shouldn't have to listen to what you family are calling you, and I can honestly say that you are none of those things, you are amazing and beautiful and you are so caring and kind, and you don't deserve any of this.

    I am here for you always, remember that. :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey lovely,

    I'm not glad I'm still around.. I don't want to be anymore. I can't be anymore.

    Relapse= in my mother's words 'You fat fucking failure' sums it all up I guess.

    She's disappointed everyone will be. Paul will kill me.. And cause it's so warm I can't even wear long sleves D: I'm such a knob.

    My family have called me stuff all my life, it's just a part of it now. Everything that they are saying is true anyway.

    I'm always here for you too, but I'm not going to be a bother or a pain to anyone anymore..

    Take care.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    *hug*

    What your family are saying isn't true lovely.

    I am really worried about your safety.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It is.. Promise.

    Don't be worried.. Please :/
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    It's hard to not be worried about you. I can't not worry, I can't just leave you alone knowing how you are feeling. I care about you, and I don't want anything to happen to you.

    You deserve the help and you need the help lovely. You mean a lot to people here, and your safety is important.

    I am worried.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Please, just don't be worried.. I'll be ok.. Promise..
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Even though you have said you will be okay, this thread says otherwise.

    *hug* Please try and get some support that you need and deserve
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Mm.. Sorry. Wish I never said anything now.. :/

    I don't deserve help or support, I'll be fine sonner or later.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Suzy

    Hi Lovely :wave:

    I am sorry to read about your struggles Suzy, but I am proud of you for taking the time to focus on writing this too - I can imagine it's not easy for you.

    You've been through a heck of a lot, not just recently, and so I really think you should give yourself some credit where it's due! I know I can speak on behalf of so many others and say we are proud of you little one - you've come a long way.

    I can't imagine how you're feeling totally, but I do know how it feels to not want to be around anymore and I know what it's like to go through tough things and times in life. I'm sorry you're experiencing tough times at the moment. I can assure you that these times are only momentary and they don't last forever (even though right now it feels like a lifetime already).

    As Claire has said, you've gone a month clean and that's a great achievment - honestly :yes: we wouldn't lie to you. If this was someone else, you'd tell them they've done really great right? Claire is right, relapse is a big part of recovery - please try not to be so hard on yourself Suzy. It sounds like others are tough on you enough without you being hard on yourself too. You honestly don't deserve to be spoken to like that and I can understand it's even more true when it comes from family. I remember when my family would call me horrible names and say awful things to me (it still can hurt now at times) but I found it really helpful to say to myself quietly inside the truths instead of listening to the lies. so for example 'I am great just the way I am' 'I am not fat I am healthy and that's what matters' 'I am beautiful inside and out' etc etc when your parents are saying you're fat and ugly and a failure etc (they are definately NOT true at all).

    Have you ever been able to speak to your parents about these hurtful words Suzy? I think it'd be helpful if they understood how these things make you feel. Also, have they ever chatted about your self harm to you in a calm way? Sometimes parents really don't understand and just really hurt due to the fact their child is hurting and their feelings can be displayed in different ways (some more helpful than others) and I guess it's just like us (we express our thoughts and feelings and emotions in differnet ways, some more positive than others) so it's really tricky. Your family must be hurting too with everything that's been happening recently? It's no excuse though I know, it's not your fault and you don't deserve this.

    I am glad you have us here. We are your friends and we care a huge amount. I know you've felt this low for a long time now, but something is keeping you fighting and keeping you going (and i'm so glad) and so I think it could be really helpful to write down a list or mind map of all the good things in life (there's lots honestly - just have to think hard!) and that way you can focus on the little things that keep you going - this helps me when I feel like there's no point anymore and feel like life's too much now. There's always a point and a reason to keep going!

    You will get there sweetie, you just have to keep strong and lean on those around you from time to time, we want to help - just let us :)

    Apologies for a rather long post!!

    Hang in there lovely *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Rach lovely,

    So I went and wrote a super long answer to this and my flipping power went out and I lost it:(

    First things first, thank you, I re wrote it about 15 times before posting it.. Just to make sure it was ok, then I was lie aghhD: should not have done that.. You tube Suzy.

    The feelings won't last forever.. I'll shut them up before then. It's scary to be feeling like this.. I just want to end it to make it all shut up. Only hanging around for my sisters.. They don't need anymore upset this year, they have had enough to deal with without me adding to it.

    I was proud of being a month clean.. Then boom, shit went down, my boss is going to kill me.. It's to warm to wear long selves.. I don't flipping think about anything!:( Guess I'm letting myself in for even more shit this weekend from the other members of staff over this.. I'm such a tube. Other people are different to me though.. I can't put it into words but they are just different.

    My family have spoken to me like that all my life, it's a part of it now, from the moment I wake up till I go to sleep (when ever sleep happens that is) Mother does it everywhere, has done it infornt of staff in my old 6th form, safe to say there where shocked.. Ended up walking out in tears after my mother told my two travel and tourism teachers that I was stupid and horrible and more.. Spoke to them before about it, they just said 'What we are saying is the truth, we are your parents so what we are saying is true' and that if I did not like it I could ' Get my fat arse and horrible face out of their house' Speaking to them about the Self Harm is pointles, they just laugh and say even more hurtful things, it's just easer to hide away from them and tell them nothing. I must deserve it though? They are my parents who are ment to love me and support me and they are doing this? I must deserve it. I have to.

    You have no need to say sorry for the long post, if anyone has to be sorry it's me:)
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Sending you big hugs

    Sent from my GT-I8190 using Tapatalk
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm with Rach, here. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Woke up and feel horrible.. My arm kills, ears are ringing, head is banging, knees are in so much pain.. To the point it's making me sick. Can this pain just end? I've got work in a little while.. I'm super scared to go in. Meh. Sorry..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Leaving this all behind is a much better idea.
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Work was horrible... Everything was horrible.. So many urges right now.. So tempted to give in to some of them.. Have give into a few now.. I'm just tired, alone, extremely scared and veryy panicky..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Really don't know why I bother anymore.. *vanishes*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Forget it... I'm done:( i deserve all of this... Promised a friend id stuck around for 3 weeks... What was i thinking :(
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  • JamesJames Deactivated Posts: 1,706 Extreme Poster
    Hey Suzy,

    Things still seem to be really tough at the moment and it doesn't feel like you've got the support to help you through it all. Does that sound fair?
    I know it might feel like you don't deserve any support, but you do :)

    Can you tell us a bit more about what's going on?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    James wrote: »
    Hey Suzy,

    Things still seem to be really tough at the moment and it doesn't feel like you've got the support to help you through it all. Does that sound fair?
    I know it might feel like you don't deserve any support, but you do :)

    Can you tell us a bit more about what's going on?

    Hey James,

    I've got an online counselor, but I finish with her in 3 weeks. I don't know how I feel about finishing.. Once I finish I know then I have to do it on my own, and I don't know how I'll cope with that. Well I know I won't cope well.

    I've spent the night in hospital because of what I did last night, I'm such a knob. I don't know when I'll be getting home.

    I'm tired of always having to be the strong one, the one that everyone comes running to if they have a problem, but as soon as I'm not dealing well with something, well that's a different story. It's just a repeat of last night, when there's no one that I can talk to when I really need to.

    I can't deal with this all on my own anymore, I'm breaking and no one can see it, no one can see how much I'm struggling. When my mother found out when I did last night, she screamed at me, ended up making my own way to hospital, I've just asked and she's not phoned or nothing to check how I am.. Me and her have never really got along. But I though me being her daughter she might have wanted to check that I was still alive... Maybe she's right, maybe I am just a useless waste of space?

    I don't deserve to be living here anymore, work is shit, the two members of staff that I've had problems with, they seen a few of my cuts.. And well shit went down. What's the point anymore? There is no point.

    Sorry.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I wish i had someone who cared :(
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    SuzyOwl wrote: »
    Hey James,

    I've got an online counselor, but I finish with her in 3 weeks. I don't know how I feel about finishing.. Once I finish I know then I have to do it on my own, and I don't know how I'll cope with that. Well I know I won't cope well.

    I've spent the night in hospital because of what I did last night, I'm such a knob. I don't know when I'll be getting home.

    I'm tired of always having to be the strong one, the one that everyone comes running to if they have a problem, but as soon as I'm not dealing well with something, well that's a different story. It's just a repeat of last night, when there's no one that I can talk to when I really need to.

    I can't deal with this all on my own anymore, I'm breaking and no one can see it, no one can see how much I'm struggling. When my mother found out when I did last night, she screamed at me, ended up making my own way to hospital, I've just asked and she's not phoned or nothing to check how I am.. Me and her have never really got along. But I though me being her daughter she might have wanted to check that I was still alive... Maybe she's right, maybe I am just a useless waste of space?

    I don't deserve to be living here anymore, work is shit, the two members of staff that I've had problems with, they seen a few of my cuts.. And well shit went down. What's the point anymore? There is no point.

    Sorry.

    Hi Suzy,

    It's good to hear that you have an online counsellor, have you be finding it useful? Holding on to the things you learn and maybe making a notebook to help remind you could be something to consider. It will also be a good idea to make sure you talk to your counsellor about how you feel about the sessions coming to an end soon. You could work together to think about what self-help strategies you can think about putting in place to help you cope. Losing that support won't be easy but you can build on what you've learnt from it.

    Sorry to hear that you had to go to hospital and that you mum isn't able to support you in the way that's helpful for you. For a mum to call their daughter a waste of space, it's not only hard for us to hear about but it must be even more upsetting and confusing and horrible for you. Especially given that from what you have told us, without you the family would struggle as you work so hard to support everyone.

    A few posts back rach had some ideas about having some internal mottos to say to yourself - have you been able to have a think about those?

    We can see that you're struggling Suzy and although we are on the other side of a computer screen we do genuinely care - it was great to read the general chat from last night and see how it lifted your mood, you're clearly amongst friends here and that comes from us seeing the good in you :)

    You have 3 sessions left with your counsellor so how about focusing on really making the most of them and seeing if you can come up with a plan so that you can continue to have some level of support, that might be looking into a referral for more sessions or looking at other options that he/she should be able to help with.

    Is there anything that you're looking forward to this week, even something small?

    *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Jo7 wrote: »
    Hi Suzy,

    It's good to hear that you have an online counsellor, have you be finding it useful? Holding on to the things you learn and maybe making a notebook to help remind you could be something to consider. It will also be a good idea to make sure you talk to your counsellor about how you feel about the sessions coming to an end soon. You could work together to think about what self-help strategies you can think about putting in place to help you cope. Losing that support won't be easy but you can build on what you've learnt from it.

    Sorry to hear that you had to go to hospital and that you mum isn't able to support you in the way that's helpful for you. For a mum to call their daughter a waste of space, it's not only hard for us to hear about but it must be even more upsetting and confusing and horrible for you. Especially given that from what you have told us, without you the family would struggle as you work so hard to support everyone.

    A few posts back rach had some ideas about having some internal mottos to say to yourself - have you been able to have a think about those?

    We can see that you're struggling Suzy and although we are on the other side of a computer screen we do genuinely care - it was great to read the general chat from last night and see how it lifted your mood, you're clearly amongst friends here and that comes from us seeing the good in you :)

    You have 3 sessions left with your counsellor so how about focusing on really making the most of them and seeing if you can come up with a plan so that you can continue to have some level of support, that might be looking into a referral for more sessions or looking at other options that he/she should be able to help with.

    Is there anything that you're looking forward to this week, even something small?

    *hug*

    Hey Jo,

    I really loved having an online counsellor, it helped so much, I've had her for around 6 months. I know it's coming to an end and that's so scary.. She's always been there for me when other's have not been... And now I know that in 3 weeks I've got to do everything on my own and deal with everything on my own, I don't know how I'm going to be able to cope with that. I was always able to talk things though with her..

    I've thought about what Rach said a lot the past few days, but I can't think of anything. I know what my mother is saying to me is correct, I've got it most of my life and it hurts so bad, I'm just used to it now. I guess it's just a fact of life. She says these things that hurt I deserve them for being in her life. I was an accident child. Unlike my sisters and brother who where planned. I've always been the black sheep of the family. I've been working from I was 12 years of age to get money for my mother. My sisters who are this age now have to do nothing around the house, they don't even have to run their own bath! I have to do it!

    General Chat last night was amazing, I loved it so much, it's the first time I've ever really got involved with chat as such, but was not just me, if it was not for Tues and Nina I would have said nothing...

    I'm hoping to hear from brother owl this week.. Just need the Scottish police to pull their finger out and get back to me! So hoping I can get a phone call from brother owl this week:)

    Sent from my RM-914_eu_euro1_337 using Tapatalk
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Counselor told me last night, that next week is my last week with her... I don't know how to feel about that..I'm scared to do it on my own.. I don't know how I'm going to cope without having that weekley support with someone that I know won't judge me.. I'm so scared.. I'm sorry..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    SuzyOwl wrote: »
    Counselor told me last night, that next week is my last week with her... I don't know how to feel about that..I'm scared to do it on my own.. I don't know how I'm going to cope without having that weekley support with someone that I know won't judge me.. I'm so scared.. I'm sorry..

    Hey Suzy - it's natural to feel scared about this. It sounds like you've really valued your time with her which is fantastic. What you have learned from her will always stay with you so finding ways to hold on to that could help? Did she talk about what would happen in the last session at all?

    I wonder if you would you be up for starting a new thread about 'coping with counselling coming to an end' - I imagine there are a few people here who have been through this and it would be a great way to bring together some experiences and support around this that could help you.

    What do you think?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We have like a form to fill in and things like that, but i sent her a really long email about when i came out to my family... I feel disgusting that i cant love a boy... The family hate me for it... If feel horrible. I hate the fact that i can't love a boy.. It would make the family happy...

    I don't know about making another thread... I don't want to be a bother and get in the way...
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How you doing Suzy? Just dropping in to let you know we care lots and do hope you are okay :) *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *rach* wrote: »
    How you doing Suzy? Just dropping in to let you know we care lots and do hope you are okay :) *hug*

    I'm still alive... Just if that helps? *hug*

    I had post this morning from the hospital, got super excited thinking right good, this will be positive news about these stupid knees. Letter was the normal you have been refferd blah blah phone to make an appoitment. Got mother to do that cause of my fear of talking on the phone. Turns out I'm being sent back to the person in my town.. That looked at my knees and went 'Oh that's a bad job' I SHOULD have been refereed to the specialist knee place in Belfast. I got mother to question it, the girl on the phone said 'Oh we see that you should have been sent to Beflast' and cut the phone off!

    Work is even shitter than before, it all kicked off last night, Worker C was a twat towards me, she made a mistake with the amount of tokens she give me, so I fixed the mistake and passed her the left over tokens back and said she made a mistake. She said that I've got an attitude problem, and that I should go cut myself some more. Safe to say the members of the public where horrified by what she said, I calmy just stood there and said ok. It pisses me off to say that she got her wishes last night. Now have to face her on Saturday with my arm covered in marks:( Such a twat Suzy.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's amazing how shit and worthless some people can make you feel...:(
  • AuroraAurora Posts: 11,722 An Original Mixlorian
    SuzyOwl wrote: »
    It's amazing how shit and worthless some people can make you feel...:(

    *hug*'s - It sounds like you had quite a tough day, what's been going on?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *hug*'s - It sounds like you had quite a tough day, what's been going on?

    Work was shit. Two members of staff made me feel like I should not be breathing anymore. And they are right. I should not be breathing anymore. What's the point in anything. There is no point.
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