Home Sex & Relationships
Come and join our Support Circle, every Tuesday, 8 - 9:30pm! Anyone is welcome to join. Sign up here
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨

female wiith male friends question

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello,

I met a girl online, she is great I like her a lot.

She said she doesn't want no stress or anything rushed to be fair.

We get on great, I think I could settle down with her because I like her so much.

I met her for the weekend and it was incredible.

We did sleep together and was the best ever.

I have now found out that she has a few male friends, she said they are only friends from a friends website and she doesn't think there is a problem with male/female friendships, a man has met her for something to eat a few times and has gone round her house to watch a film.

This surprised me because I know that no man would be interested in taking a girl out and watching a film with her unless he liked her.

Its a difficult one because we are very early on, I don't want to get jealous or uncool, it could be completely innocent, but it does bother me that she meets male friends.

I wonder if I am as special to her as she is to me?

Maybe she only thinks I am a friend?

I do know if I should say anything, maybe its best to keep my mouth shut, keep our relationship what it is and next time we meet in person I can say something in the right way (whatever that is)

What do you think

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey localboy, welcome to the boards. :wave:

    You're right, it could be totally innocent. But if your gut is saying otherwise then it is best to broach her about it. Things like this can get real messy real fast if you're not careful - make sure you're both on the same level about things before you get too involved (especially given the way you feel about her). Go ahead with what you said; next time you meet try and say something in the way that feels best. Let us know how it goes. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    localboy wrote: »

    This surprised me because I know that no man would be interested in taking a girl out and watching a film with her unless he liked her.

    I agree that if you're uncomfortable about it you should tell her but I have to disagree with the above. There are many friendships between men and women that are just that, whats so wrong with just friendship. Are gay people not allowed to be friends with someone of the same sex?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You seem a bit obsessed, considering if settling down is a possibility before you even met. She wants to just get to know you (she said she does not want a rush) and you already got an issue with her male friends. If you want this to work out you need to chill out times 10 and see where this takes you.

    She could either see you as relationship material, but it is also possible that she just wants a no strings attached thing. Of course it's also possible that she has a change of heart and wants to keep this as a friendship (this is more likely to happen as an excuse if you come on too strong).

    She could of course also be lying and date several men. Only time will tell. Occupy your mind with other things and don't try to be so possessed about this. Then the chances of success are the best.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Lexi99 wrote: »
    I agree that if you're uncomfortable about it you should tell her but I have to disagree with the above. There are many friendships between men and women that are just that, whats so wrong with just friendship. Are gay people not allowed to be friends with someone of the same sex?

    Agree with this (didn't catch it when I skim-read your post).
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    You seem a bit obsessed, considering if settling down is a possibility before you even met. She wants to just get to know you (she said she does not want a rush) and you already got an issue with her male friends. If you want this to work out you need to chill out times 10 and see where this takes you.

    She could either see you as relationship material, but it is also possible that she just wants a no strings attached thing. Of course it's also possible that she has a change of heart and wants to keep this as a friendship (this is more likely to happen as an excuse if you come on too strong).

    She could of course also be lying and date several men. Only time will tell. Occupy your mind with other things and don't try to be so possessed about this. Then the chances of success are the best.

    Also, StrubbleS has a good point.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I thank you all for your replies, really I do!

    I know in my head you are right about male female relationships, but I cant help worrying, she said that she tells them that it is only friendship and I believe her.

    But I worry what might happen if one of them tries it on with her.

    Im not thinking about settling down now, we both have other stuff going on in our lives so if that happened it would be in the future, but I mean that I do like her, I don't see her as just a bit of fun or a friend with benefits, I really like her, which is probably why the thought of her alone with a guy made me a bit jealous.


    I have taken all your points on board and will leave with this

    'Only time will tell. Occupy your mind with other things and don't try to be so possessed about this. Then the chances of success are the best.'
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's a bit worrying that it's very early days yet you already seem a little controlling.

    Guys and girls can be just friends and you need to trust what she's telling you. If you don't trust her then what's the point in even trying to take things further.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Look, the whole thing with cheating is as follows. If she really wants to fuck these guys, you cannot stop her. So, your jealousy and trying to control her, later maybe try to limit or forbid her contact with her male friends won't work. She will either resent you, or meet them behind your back. So the best thing is, just trusting her she won't, as she says, as this is a fundamental requirement for a working relationship anyway.

    It is not unusual or unfair of her to have male friends. The problem lies within you and you alone. So deal with it by yourself.

    So what if someone tries to get it on with her? She is an individual with her own will. She can say "No, I am not interested, I have a boyfriend.". Why would someone else trying it on with your gf be reasons to distrust her?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just wanted to pick up on the trust thing... trust can be easier for some people than it is for others but as butterfly says, without it, a relationship isn't going to thrive.

    How easily you feel able to trust someone often has a lot to do with past experience and also with your own self-esteem. Do you think there is anything else going on for you here localboy? Anything else that might be influencing how you feel?

    It's natural in the early stages to feel a bit unsure, especially when you have to sort of go with the flow for a while without really knowing where you're going to end up! It's an exciting and fun time but it can also be a bit daunting and confusing! You don't want to come on too strong but you want to be sure you're both on the same page... it's a tricky balance sometimes.

    Entering into any relationship there is always an element of risk that you may get hurt if things don't work out but rather that focusing on the what ifs - it may help you to focus on the positives like enjoying the time you spend together, buildling on what you have (which sounds like it's going really well!) and being open about how you feel if/when the time feels right.

    If she's seeing a male friend one evening then why not take the opportunity to make your own plans, if you're sat at home pondering then you can easily turn something innocent into something else in your head.

    The question of male and female friendships is always something that people will debate and it often just comes down to your own personal experience. For example, if you don't have many female friends that haven't at some point been romantic interests then you're going to feel differently to a guy that has loads of female friends that he's never considered anything more than friends.

    Anway, let us know how you get on - cool to see you posting about this, welcome to TheSite.

    :)
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 3,590 Community Veteran
    it could be an innocent friendship with this guy ... i have male friends that i go out for food and movies with, we just have a good catch up ... but if you think that a guy wouldnt do that unless they liked her .. why don't you take her out for a meal or to the movies :) if you're uncomfortable with it you really need to tell her how you feel though
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    localboy wrote: »
    I have now found out that she has a few male friends, she said they are only friends from a friends website and she doesn't think there is a problem with male/female friendships, a man has met her for something to eat a few times and has gone round her house to watch a film.

    This surprised me because I know that no man would be interested in taking a girl out and watching a film with her unless he liked her.

    Define "like".

    I go out with my friends, go out for dinner or go round to their houses, share a bottle of wine, all that. Many of my friends are either female or gay men. It doesn't mean I want to go out with them or screw them or whatever. It means I want to spend time with them.

    It could be that you're jealous at the minute because you really want her for yourself, and you see these people as a threat to that happening. It would make sense. You want her and you don't want them to get there first. In which case you need to be more assertive, express what you want- "see you again" not "marry you and make babies with you"- and see where it goes. She might not want a more serious relationship, she might be happy with a selection of fuck buddies, and you need to be prepared for that.

    But you need to be aware that she will choose her friends over you. If you have a problem with your girlfriend having male friends then she probably isn't the right girl for you. But if you're just worried she'll choose one of them over you, that's a bit more understandable.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Define "like".

    I go out with my friends, go out for dinner or go round to their houses, share a bottle of wine, all that. Many of my friends are either female or gay men. It doesn't mean I want to go out with them or screw them or whatever. It means I want to spend time with them.

    It could be that you're jealous at the minute because you really want her for yourself, and you see these people as a threat to that happening. It would make sense. You want her and you don't want them to get there first. In which case you need to be more assertive, express what you want- "see you again" not "marry you and make babies with you"- and see where it goes. She might not want a more serious relationship, she might be happy with a selection of fuck buddies, and you need to be prepared for that.

    But you need to be aware that she will choose her friends over you. If you have a problem with your girlfriend having male friends then she probably isn't the right girl for you. But if you're just worried she'll choose one of them over you, that's a bit more understandable.

    Yes I am jealous and I hate that, I realise now I am being stupid to think a man and woman cannot be friends (im straight and got gay mates as well)

    It is because I never had a woman as just a friend probably why it seemed alien to me.

    I don't mind it now, this thread has been like a therapy for me, seriously, I am overwhelmed with the support here, I need to stop worrying and I will see where it is going when I see her next, not in a heavy way but just to get an idea of how she sees our relationship/sees me, and if she wants it to remain casual or if she thinks we can develop into long term.

    Thanks Strubbles as well, I love all of your straight talking replies, exactly what I needed to hear, im cool with it now and will just trust her.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Localboy,

    This is a difficult situation as it’s clearly bothering you but what you have with this girl is very new.

    Friendships with people of the opposite sex can be completely innocent. However I guess it’s how the friendships are formed (if either of them had/have feelings towards eachother)

    It’s a possibility that this guy may be romantically interested in the girl but without knowing what she wants or how she sees things with you then you are unlikely to know how she will react to advances from other guys.

    It may just be worth meeting her and getting to know her a little better and talking about the situation in a non confrontational way.

    I know its easier said than done when you have something in your head but try and enjoy it for what it is without getting so consumed about her males friends – beginnings of relationships are supposed to be fun and carefree.

    Hope this helps
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hello again guys and girls...

    I have a furthur question, I understand what some of you have said about her having male friends before i was there and that i cannot interfere with that, but what is your opinion about her making brand new male friends of the internet still.

    If she is still talking to new men online and meeting them just as a friend, would you think that is differant.

    I know she is not ready for a realationship, but I think it is going to screw with my head too much if she is meeting other new dudes, despite her telling me its just as friends. :shocking:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    how long have you been seeing her (offline)? It can very well be that she does not want a relationship at all but keeps you on the backburner with the added "not ready yet". All I can offer is what I'd do. Stick around a bit longer and see if things progress, if she gets in contact with me, if things just get more serious if you know what I mean. If it's always me initiating contact and the vibe remains casual, I would forget about it and move on.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't understand why you'd want a relationship with someone you can't trust. I've got many male friends who are also in relationships. We meet up and we do stuff. (go to gigs, meet up for lunch, etc) We have no interest in each other at all.

    I don't get the issue with her making new male friends. It's not as if she's still on a dating website is it? I met a lot of people online via mutual interests. (music, running, etc)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I get what everyone is saying about this and most peoples opinions seem to be on the same path as the rest of people's opinions. Choices that we make in life deflect on what happens next and knowing what choice we make is something we already know what might happen.

    There are a lot of assumptions over this to do with this girl. There isn't a clearer answer to say what everyone else is saying and that is she maybe seeing other guys whilst seeing u which is no surprise what u are saying but again how do we know, were only going by the story.

    For u to make it easier for urself u need to be completely honest with everything what's going on around u and wether u really do have true feelings for this girl. There seems to be a real problem here for u stopping to do this and from what it sounds like it could be u don't know what u really want eventhough u say u like her but at the same time u don't really cuz she's seeing other guys which could be completely incient.

    Make sure things are thought through before anything serious happens as there's only gonna be one person what will look like the foul at this u if u don't be careful enough to trace those steps in order to determine if this is right or if this is wrong. You can only make that decision but what everyone else is saying shows that she could be just taking u for a ride.

    I don't think ur doing anything wrong although looking at it now things can turn nasty before it's even begun so ask urself wether u can prepare itself for the worse cuz if not then ur gonna be heatbroken and feel worthless and that all depends wether ur take things to the next level or not.

    Don't know much about this girl and that includes everyone only if we were in it shoes this is what we would do. That's why thinking about it is virtually important now as I said before then u will know it answer and can go ahead with ur plan. I don't think it's a good idea to do anything just yet untill it absolutely sure that she's the one u want so for that instance I would go with flow in order to work her out for urself.

    I'm glad that u have been honest and open with not bottling ur problem up which is a big step to make when u dont know anyone so putting it into practice can only get better right?

    There anyone apart from us who u can confide in to make u see the bigger picture in all of this? Anyone at all? Worth speaking to a good mate or a parent gardiner? What do u think about that Mystery Person? That sound like a good idea or not? You can say no.

    Let me know :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hello!

    I am a girl who has dated guys who brought this same issue up with me. Growing up I had all brothers and many male figures in my life. Once I got older, I related with guys much better. My friend group consists of about 10 males and only 2 females. It is totally possible for her to have nothing but a friendship with these males. I have never once had any type of interaction with my male friends that was inappropriate as friends. We often go see movies together or I'll go with them to help plan for a date or even go out to dinner together if we haven't seen each other in awhile. luckily my significant other understands this and trusts me. The biggest part of your relationship is to trust her! If you have trust, you won't need to worry about her friends. Especially if you meet them, you may even become friends with them as well. (my guy actually thinks it's funny that I'm always hanging out with other guys...because it keeps any other guys from EVER approaching me. ;] )
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hello guys and girls,

    I just wanted to come back and say that I thank you all again for your advice.

    Our relationship is going very well.

    I was being too worried about it, my mind is at rest, I trust her completely, none of her friends were anything other than a friend.

    :thumb:
Sign In or Register to comment.