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Feeling Lonely

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi, just thought id try this to see if it can help. I'm 34 and have been divorced for just over two years (actually separated 2 1/2 years ago). Initially after the separation I felt ok, was going out and seeing friends, had no feelings of wanting to meet anyone and was enjoying my single life. Now 2 1/2 years later, still single, in a stressful job and gone from one bad relationship to another, I'm feeling so lonely and depressed. This has not been helped by having a difficult year so far, started a relationship in January that ended towards the end of March, then found out I was pregnant and is at the end of April had an abortion, which was very traumatic. Then towards the end of May met a really nice guy, had some lovely dates and I just thought things were going to start going right for me, but two weeks ago he decided to go back to his wife (they were just separated) for the sake of his three children. He's still in contact with me via text but I cant help thinking that this is making things worse because I really like him and therefore making me feel more lonely.

As I said previously, I have a stressful job and going home after a hard day to an empty flat makes me feel depressed again, sometimes I go to sleep and wish I wouldn't wake up...and I know that's an awful thing to say but how do I stop it!

I genuinely feel that I'm never going to meet anyone that will love me again and going to continue to feel this way for a long time

Any help would be much appreciated.

Thanks

A x

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi :wave: Welcome to the boards


    If he has said that he wants to go back to his family, then let him go. Move on.
    Maybe stop the texts? Block his number? Or tell him not to send you any more texts.

    I myself am 30yrs old and never had a girlfriend and I feel lonely and a little depressed because of it.

    Just keep reminding yourself that you'll find a decent guy some time. Don't just 'make things worse' with this one or you might regret it.
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    Danny!Danny! Deactivated Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    Hi alewis

    Sorry to hear you're finding things so difficult at the moment. It sounds like you've been through a lot with the divorce, a stressful job, the abortion and some bad relationships. It's no wonder that you're feeling bad at the moment, it's good that you're looking for help.

    It sounds like your job is a great cause of stress for you at the moment. It would be worth thinking about whether it's possible to change company or field - a great deal of life is taken up with work, and if you can find something that works better for you, you should find yourself feeling a better. A new job is also a good place to meet new people.

    If you've found yourself in a series of bad relationships, it might be worth having a think about why this might be. Of course it might just be bad luck, but if there's a pattern, there's often a reason. It's very common to have particular types of people we go for, and a lot of people find that the same patterns repeat themselves. On the upside, doing some work yourself on what your patterns are and where they come from can be really positive in understanding your own emotions and drives.

    It does sound like the text contact with the guy you were with isn't very helpful at the moment. If things can't work between you, it might be that you need some real space to move on.

    You don't say much about seeing your friends recently, but it sounds like you could do with support. Maybe you could meet them after work more often?

    In terms of the practicality of meeting someone - the more people you can meet, the better! As you're really busy at work, online dating could be a really good thing to try. There are lots of sites of different types including good free ones, for example OKCupid, PlentyMoreFish and the phone app Tinder. There are also options like speed dating and singles nights which you can look up.

    Sites like meetup.com put together people who you share a common interest. They have a lot of groups of all different types. These aren't specifically aimed at dating, but are a great place to meet new people, and that?s always the best way to start :)

    If you find that you're not manage to deal with your difficult emotions by yourself or with the support of friends and family, it would be worth considering counselling. It sounds like you've been through a lot, and while it's completely possible, it can take a lot of personal work to move forwards from those things. Counselling can provide a safe space to work through some of things that you're struggling with, and can have a really positive effect in terms of moving forward.

    I hope that's helpful, let us know how you get on.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Feeling really low tonight, been chatting to that guy and we've decided to delete each other's numbers,. Makes me feel so sad that I'm never going to see him again. Just can't seem to stop crying at the moment :(

    Sometimes I feel that work is the only thing keeping me going, if I consume myself with that, it'll block everything else out.

    My friends are all settled with families and have their own thing going on, they think I'm ok and strong, I can't show them how I really feel inside cos it's embarrassing

    And now I'm not sleeping either, it's just all too much to deal with :(
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    AuroraAurora Posts: 11,722 An Original Mixlorian
    Warm welcomes to TheSite.org message boards Alewis, it's great to see you posting. I've never been the best person to offer support when it comes to relationships, mine have been pretty awful, but I wanted to reach out to you, and let you know that you're not alone and there will always be a listening ear on here. I see you're still online, I'm ever so sorry to hear about you having to delete each other's numbers, it sounds like it was a difficult situation for both of you, would you be able to tell us a bit about why you've reduced all contact with him?

    Distractions can be really helpful when we need them, and it's good that you've noticed work is a massive help for you, however, with distractions, you're not really allowing yourself to face what's going on, and deal with it, and often you get into the routine where you block it out, but it comes back, have you ever opened up to anyone about how you're feeling? You're feelings are just as important as anyone else's and you're human, you should be allowed to express them without the added embarrassment

    I say it's okay a lot, I don't know whether it will be okay or not, but by coming on here, you've shown a great amount of hope, and were so proud of you for that. It's difficult when others around you are just 'Getting on' with their life, we can often feel lost, and not know who to turn to, it's a strange thought, have you looked into places you could volunteer though? Out of work hours? You're human though, you're going to have feelings that aren't always positive, and YOU have to tell yourself those feelings are okay to have, and their OKAY to express.

    Do you know what's stopping you from sleeping? Is it just over thinking? Using Mindfulness can help before going to bed, even though it takes years to get the hang off it, simple Mindful exercises can help in a moment, I'm not sure if you've ever come across mindfulness, or not?

    Do keep us updated on how you're doing Alewis :heart:

    Best wishes,
    WhispersOfTheHeart
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for your replies, it has helped.

    To give you some background with me and this guy, we starting seeing each other two months back, he had been separated form his wife for approx. 6 months, they had three teenage children together. We instantly clicked and got on so well, I had never clicked so much with someone. He made the mistake of telling his youngest daughter who was 12 that he had met me, she then told here mum and then his ex called him to day she was still in love with him and wanted to give things another go, he was very honest and told me all this, but we still continued to see each other, he hadn't told me how he felt about it. Anyway, three weeks ago was the last time I saw him, we had a lovely night together and were both really happy, but his son, who was 15 was getting himself into a little trouble and two weekends in a row had gotten drunk and had to be picked up by one of the parents (kids hey?) That was the Saturday, we were chatting fine on the sunday and he was going on about how much he enjoyed spending time with me the previous night, then on the Monday he went quiet and I didn't hear from him. It was then on the Tuesday that he told me all three of his kids had told him they wanted him to go back home, so he did. We stopped texting for a few days then he was back texting me, telling me how much he was thinking about me and this has gone on for the past two weeks, which has led to me going downhill and feeling very lonely, cos this guy is telling me he likes me but he's back with his wife. This is why we have had to delete each others numbers, because if im feeling down I will want to text him and that's not fair in him or his family, and if he has my number and is thinking about me he will text me, and that's not fair on me or his family either.

    I'm just so sad that I met someone that I really liked and I thought really liked me and then this happens, life has been so cruel to me the last 7 months :(
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    On a positive note, I have booked to go visit my step sister in Edinburgh over the new year, although only one day, New Year has been a very lonely time for me since my divorce x
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    Danny!Danny! Deactivated Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    alewis wrote: »
    On a positive note, I have booked to go visit my step sister in Edinburgh over the new year, although only one day, New Year has been a very lonely time for me since my divorce x

    That's really good you've got the trip to Edinburgh booked :) It's always nice to have something to look forward to, and it sounds like a really positive way to deal with a difficult time.
    alewis wrote: »
    Sometimes I feel that work is the only thing keeping me going, if I consume myself with that, it'll block everything else out.

    I can understand that feeling, and work can block other things out to a certain extent. But if it stops you dealing with what you need to, then it can end up being a vicious circle. Maybe you could try out just taking a little step back from work and giving yourself more time?
    alewis wrote: »
    My friends are all settled with families and have their own thing going on, they think I'm ok and strong, I can't show them how I really feel inside cos it's embarrassing

    While you might feel embarrassed, the fact that you're in a different situation to them doesn't mean that they can't understand you. Maybe you could try opening up to them a little bit and see how it goes? You might be pleasantly surprised.

    It's also worth thinking about meeting new people, who you deal feel share your situation more, both to share those feelings with, and to take your mind off things.

    It sounds like you're really struggling, so do keep trying to get support somewhere. It's always important to have an outlet for difficult emotions. If you don't feel you can speak to your friends right now, you could try a helpline like Supportline, where you can speak through emotional issues in confidence?

    Hope you're doing OK :)
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