Home Sex & Relationships
If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨
Options

Very unhappy with sexuality and sex life

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello,

I am new to this site and have been struggling with a few things. I have sought help from Doctors and had therapies quite a few times. I know why I am unhappy but every solution makes me more unhappy????

Basically, I am a 24 year old guy and I don't really know my sexuality. I am also a virgin but have done oral sex, mutual masturbation etc. I have had a problem with my sexuality ever since I can remember. Also I have never really had proper friends as I am different to other people, or so I am told. I have a history of depression as I do not produce enough seratonin. Apparently some people just don't.

I have moved to London from Scotland and studied in Edinburgh and Copenhagen and am now a Business Analyst. I have been lonely for probably over 10 years but just got used to it. The last few years I have been feeling more and more desperate and went to the doctor where I ws treated for depression. I saw a psychiatrist and a therapist who I spoke about my behaviour with due to specific life events which are too long winded to go into otherwise I would have a novel here. So I went through a programme to change behaviours and learn more about the reasons for my behaviours. I now fully understand the reasons for behaviours as well as what causes them. But all the solutions I have tried leave me more and more unhappy.

I am not sure if I am bisexual or gay as my attraction constantly changes. I also really don't want to be gay. Of the sexual stuff I have done I have been told I am very good at it and considerate, but I found it kind of boring with both guys and girls. No one has ever been able to make me cum no matter what they have done. If someone else touches my dick its literally like all sensation is turned off and i feel nothing. The trouble is I know this now, and know that people can't satisfy me so what do you do???

I also don't find people particularly attractive, I find what you see in films and magazines attractive but I am offended by human bodies because of their unsymmetrical and flaw nature. I live out lots of sexual fantasies in my head and when a few years a go I came to try things for the first time, as well as kissing, I was disappointed. It was clumsy, dull and basically not very interesting but I really wanted it to be. I found that i was actually much better at getting myself off than anyone else and there is only so many times you can tell people to do things differently before they get pissed off.

I also find sex kind of grubby and slimy and unhygienic. But I also feel very left out as everyone else has been enjoying sex for almost a decade and I have just been on my own, doing things on my own etc. I am told that I appear very confident, and that people have never met anyone like me but even when I am laughing and telling jokes with people I feel desperately lonely.

I now find that am so jealous of others my age that I find it very difficult to be friends with them as they have so many things they have done with friends, on holidays etc. and I have not one memory like that. In the last few years I have stopped seeing myself as human and see myself as something other, just watching a strange world that I don't have a place in.

I can't bear to walk through London as I get very down seeing all the people having fun. I have tried lots of dating sites and networking things to try and meet new people but nothing ever sticks. I am also quite sociable but feel totally alone all the time.

I am now starting to run out of energy with life, and half of me is waiting to die, the other half just living in its own world. I also feel old and tired, like I have wasted my life. I have no memories of any shred experiences and as such don't have any significant memories. I don't really know what to do.

I have told professionals all of these things but they have said they don't have and answer. There is a lot more to explain I guess to give context, but I know this is already very long.

Does anybody else feel like this and feel like no matter how they try and address a their situation it just gets worse? Plus being bi makes it difficult to make friends as they are always also potential friends + something else.

What do you guys think?

Comments

  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey,
    Ok, so before I say anything else I'd like to point out that I'm only 16 and haven't had any experiences like that so this is probably going to be useless, but the last thing you said:
    cnor wrote: »
    Plus being bi makes it difficult to make friends as they are always also potential friends + something else.
    made me want to say something.
    I don't think that being bi would make it any harder? The same way that being straight doesn't mean it's hard to be friends with someone of the opposite sex, not everyone is a potential for something else

    Sorry if this isn't what you were looking for and is just a waste of time to read, but I just wanted to say that
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    From my impressions of reading your post, I feel like you're looking for a medical diagnosis almost, a reason from professionals which justifies how you feel and are dissatisfied that they have no solution or diagnosis? I may be wrong but I feel like you want a label to kind of identify yourself as you're not sure where you stand.

    The thing about sexuality and sexual experiences is that they can be a mixed bag. Whilst you've had some sexual experiences, you've maybe not had enough experience, or had enough great experiences to make sex or people appealing to you possibly? When I think about my first experiences kissing, they were mostly humiliating, pretty gross and dissatisfying. A number of years down the line and I've found someone in particular who I adore kissing; I've enjoyed kissing others but you tend to perfect something like that with experience. I think the same goes for sex; some of the first experiences can be clumsy, awkward and humiliating, especially if you're not engaged in a relationship with someone and they are isolated sexual occurrences without the warmth of knowing and connecting with that person, then it can take the edge and pleasure out of those experiences.

    The thing about not making you cum and losing sensation sounds like a mental barrier. I had the same issue with my gf when we were first together, having in the past never really had someone who had made it their focus to take me there, so it was only me who knew how...and it became her mission! It took a lot of time, learning about each other and trying over and over for us to reach the place we're at now. But we're in a loving relationship; we dedicated that time to each other and now the mental barriers down and I don't have that issue any more. I know I wouldn't have achieved that if I wasn't in a relationship and just having isolated sexual encounters.

    I suppose part of your issue also may be related to wanting to find out what's 'wrong' with you and whether, if you find out, whether you will use it to excuse for not going out and doing things that may, at first, be uncomfortable. I've been told I can be socially awkward...and sometimes, especially when I feel low, I'll use it or justify my stubbornness to get out of talking to others.

    I think you need to let go of trying to figure out the problem and work harder on the solution. Whether you are gay or bi is doesn't matter;I would probably be designated as 'bi' due to having a gf and only ever having past bfs BUT I've not met another woman who has any impact on me; nothing like her so if she wasn't there...would I still be looking for another woman? Probably/possibly not. So am I bi/lesbian/straight? Who knows; I don't really care. Nor should you; it may be about the person you meet as oppose to their (or your) sexuality.

    I feel like you need to seek social situations. It feels like the negative experiences are sitting heavily on you and now you are looking to avoid going out and seeking experiences as you see so many happy others around you. You need to look for social opportunities such as hobby/interest clubs, using dating sites, speed dating - get out there and be open. Don't necessarily disclose all of your thoughts, feelings and confused thoughts, or your background of therapy etc... immediately as this can put a dampener and can feel a bit like too much information when you're first meeting people. Find out about others and be open I suppose!

    Sorry if this isn't helpful! Just some thoughts as aside from meeting others, you need to just get out there and not search so much for definitive label or diagnosis for yourself.
Sign In or Register to comment.