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Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi, so i've been lurking on the live chat for a few weeks (As just Holden) and finally signed up to the boards.

So I find it kind of difficult to talk to my friends about anything. I know that sounds really exaggerated but I do. I'm really good at having conversations and listening to them and talking about school and weather and stuff but I can't really talk to them about anything personal. Even stuff like what music I like or books I've read I just start to clam up and get super stuttery. Which I know is stupid because I love my friends and I know they wouldn't judge me for anything like that, and I'm not even worried that they would. I just cant do it.

I dont even have anything specific I want to talk to them about. Like, most of my problems are just ones I've worked up in my head out of nothing. I dont feel the need to talk about them or anything. And one of my friends have actual problems and stuff, and now whenever I talk to her in particular I get stupid and cant say anything at all because I clam up. It's not even about her problems or my 'problems' necessarily, it can just be normal light-hearted chat. But you can kind of see it in her face when you start stumbling over words and stuff, because she thinks that I'm uncomfortable when I'm around her. Which sucks because I dont want her to feel that her problems or whatever make me uncomfortable.

So to avoid that I try to spend as much time on my own, because that way i don't stutter and stumble and I feel healthier and stuff. But this in itself upsets my friends because while they respect I need space or whatever they get upset because i'm not talking to them about whats wrong and they think i'm avoiding them. When I'm not. I dont have anything I want to talk to them about, I just dont want to be around them and annoying them and feeling bad for it. but now i feel bad for not being around them. So i'm now stuck in an infinite loop of feeling bad no matter where I am and I'm not sure my heart can take it for much longer.

Sorry thats a super long explanation, I was just wondering if anyone had any advice?

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Maybe just explain to them, what your issue is. I am sure they are understanding if you tell them, that you would like to discuss things with them, but usually don't because you get very nervous and clam up. Once they are aware that it is difficult for you, I am sure they help out, like asking you questions about the topics, so you just have to answer at first etc.

    This is a typical problem, where you just have to do it. If you go bungee jumping it's not gonna get easier or better by standing a top, wishing you could jump. You just jump.
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    JamesJames Deactivated Posts: 1,706 Extreme Poster
    Hey Holden - good to see you on the boards! :)
    We've talked a bit in chat (though I may have been called JPick then).

    First of all, well done on posting. I realise it might not have been the easiest thing, but it's great that you're reaching out here.

    What's really clear from your post is that you're a great listener and you're friends really care about you. You said that you're really good at having general conversations and that they get upset when you retreat for too long. Clearly, you're important to them and it sounds like they get worried when you step away.

    At the same time, it seems you're quite uncomfortable talking about yourself. As you said, there seems to be a lot going on inside your head, which must make it difficult. Do you find that you tend to analyse things a lot? Things people say, their reactions to what you say etc? Considering this, it's even more impressive that you've posted here :)

    I think I see what you mean by an infinite loop. You don't want to make them uncomfortable by clamming up and stuttering, but you don't want to upset them by spending more time on your own. Is that about right? If so, has this been happening for a long time, or is it something more recent?

    Let me know if I've understood correctly, and feel free to keep posting :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Holden,
    You have some great advise already, but I thought I would give a bit more advise in case any of it is helpful. It seems that your situation is really tricky and it is making you feel bad. Social interactions are hard, some people seem to be great at them but like any other skill this takes time and practice, like learning an instrument.

    You seem to have supportive friends, as you say they are not judgmental. However they maybe feeling that you are avoid them, and this may lead to you being in a more an more isolated situation, in which you'll find gradually learning the social skills so that you are more comfortable with your friends more difficult.

    It sounds from message that you are worried about talking to them about personal thing. This may be a bit like trying to run before you can walk, and you may be getting anxious about this when you first need to try talking and feeling comfort with topics like what is your favorite computer game? What did you watch on TV last night? etc before building up to the more challenging topics of conversation. Hope this helps :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I just wanted to thank you all for being so nice about everything.
    I think StrubbleS - your idea about the question/ answer thing is something I will definitely have to try and start doing I just need to figure out a way to let them know they could ask. None of my friends really talk to me about myself anymore because I irritate them but I don't even really know if there's any point because a lot of the time, most of the time, I feel fine. I don't want or need to talk about myself at all. I don't even really like normal small talk like you suggested blackcanary, about TV or whatever. Even if I got the opportunity to really talk to my friends, I wouldn't know what to say because there isn't anything to say, kind of thing. So it seems pointless saying anything at all because then i'm just wasting their time.
    Erm in answer to your question James/JPick I guess for maybe 2 and a half years? its nto really constant but i don't remember a time when I felt comfortable talking to people about personal stuff, but definitely in the last two years or so I've started stuttering and really clamming up about normal stuff to. It's a lot easier on-line because there's more processing time and you can kind of filter, I don't worry about saying the wrong thing or upsetting people because I can look at what i'm saying over and over until its right.
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