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Confused ranting owl

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I really never thought that today would have affected me like this... Not one bit, I feel so broken :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    People are gonna worry about u SuzyOwl there not just gonna stop caring and let u put urself in more danger. As I said, a lot of people are ur friends on here and they wanna make sure u are alright even if u don't want anyone to do that.

    You are going through a lot so I know u haven't been thinking straight because u stressed and tired so it saying things that u don't mean. What ur are saying is all in it head and not really happening even if u think it is. Would just like to know that u are safe and not in danger cuz we can't hear no more about u doing something I know u may later regret even if it don't feel like it now but in time I know it will.

    Please don't suffer in silence cuz there are people waiting for u to talk to them and help u. Why don't u want? I don't get it. You can't do this all on ur own, u seriously needs help. Things won't improve if u let them carry on. I care about u alot and that won't change. I want to see u getting it confidence back and it life to how it was before when it was more stable. I want to see the day when ur happy and everythnng in it life is going well because u really do deserve to be on this planet and u were here for a reason and that's that.

    Will take time and it is a slow process but with the right path then in no time u will see things changing dramaticly u couldn't once see so u need to give urself a break and more time to adjust to everything. You have to stop and look around u and say u haven't got much but it's ok and ur gonna keep on moving anyway when it down.

    I thought owls never gave up? I'm sure they don't. When they try to fly they really do fly everywhere and that's like u when u try u really do try but owls ding learn to fly unless they get help and that's what u need help.

    A wise owl never gives up on there own without a fight and we wont let this owl give up.

    Your doing the right thing by talking but I don't think it's enough what u are capable of doing. Get back up when it feeling down. Nothing gets passed a wise owl without another fight.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    People should not worry... I'm not worth the worry. I'm always in danger. I don't have friends here. I have no one.

    I am thinking straight, i do mean the things i say. Ill not saying anything now... That way people wont worry, ill keep quiet.

    My English is horrible that's why i don't like talking yo people. Things will never improve, i deserve all this i deserve all of this.

    Sometimes owls just need to fly away and everyone will be happy that way.
    Sent from my RM-914_eu_euro1_337 using Tapatalk
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No I don't think u are thinking straight. Ask anyone on here that u deserve everything u get isn't true. Why do u feel so sad? You shouldn't have to feel sad, just don't do it to urself. I'm sorry but I do care and u can keep saying that I and others shouldn't but we're down to earth people and we will be with u towards the end.

    I know u have had a really bad time and u not seen an escape untill now but doing what u feel u think is right isn't the right way of going about things and that's why I said it not thinking straight. I'm still not gonna let u do this to urself. I don't know why u hate urself so much? Why? Don't listen to other people what bring u down ok, they are not the ones u should be listening to and if it is people what have made u feel like this then u need to focus on the ones what care about u like us for example.

    I maybe be wrong but if u were maybe someone who got bullied at school then that can be an effect on it life, u was saying people are aganist u but it could be one of those reasons why and they really arnt worth it or it could be also had a hard up bringing so that can effect u for life two, theres no surprise there but it's what u do now what counts.

    Owls are usually wise and smart so u must not be an owl if ur thinking about that and for u to say that some owls need to fly away is my true as when owl goes they always come back but it's good to see u come and go so maybe u are a wise owl after all.

    Remember that someone has more of a worser life then u and u just need to think to urself that u got a chance to turn things around as they can't.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know what I deserve more than anyone. Let's see why do I feel sad... Well I lost my gran a year ago, my heart is broken into a million tiny pieces that will never be fixed, my family hate me, I run the risk of being hurt cause of what my uncle does, I'm not allowed any contact with my brother, is that enough?

    Why do I hate myself? well I'm a stupid cunt that allows everyone to walk over her, I deserve everything I get, what I say here is only have I have heard after fucking years of abuse of my parents, people who are supposed to love me. Parents tell me all the time I'm an accident, I was not planned, they tell me I was adopted, the hit me, yell at me, and so on. These are the people that are fucking ment to love and care for me. That's why I hate myself! They hate me! Everyone fucking does and I don't fucking blame them!

    Yea I was bullied at school, that's normal, what they did to me at school was no different to what I was getting at home. I'm not worth nothing, I'm not worth the air that I'm even breathing. Well then you said it, I'm not an owl then, I guess I must be right, I must be a stupid cunt that deserves no one, that's who I really am.

    There is no way this can be turned around, if it was just as simple as turning things around do you not fucking think I would have fucking done it years ago? like really. Agh!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    After reading back that from last night, that sounds horrible. But its just how i feel. Sorry not sorry.
    Sent from my RM-914_eu_euro1_337 using Tapatalk
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You don't have to say sorry SuzyOwl, that's how u feel. I'm not trying to get u to think that u should just move on and forget about what's happened to u and focus on the future as that's what I don't want u to think about me but knowing that this has happened to u, how come no one in ur family knew what was going on? I don't know how no one stepped in and made the abuse stop. Why?

    There has been a lot going on in it life to make u feel like u are today and u most proberly been that way since this started happening to u so yh u can't change into someone else by night. Knowing that these problems occured during an amount of time there are ways which we start to realise that what happened wasn't a mistake and it was all going on. There comes a point that it already damaged and that there's nothing u can do but u can only pray and hope that things will get better in time and I really do believe that.

    What I think what's missing is the stage it at now and going through all of this has impacted on u a lot only u seem to of got through the worse and had to carry on for a long long time which not many people could do so for u to do that has been a lot of encouragement to see. People deal with problems in their own way and u know that and I know that now although where there is a way there is a problem and I think the problem still lies here and that is not being able to talk to someone u wished to of wanted to speak to before but having no confidence to.

    That's where u start thinking that it is never to late but there is time so for the person we can let them know that there's support so it's up to them to take it or leave it. Hopefully we can pray that they will take the support and open up to someone like it doing now and it takes guts only what if there isn't anyone there for them? That's how the support comes in.

    There's no right or wrong way in life but u do have choices u can make and it could be a good choice or a bad choice and whatever we go with will change our life forever. Though we know what we are doing when it comes to the fact that we atop and think about what we are doing and hopeing for change but change is never easy so taking it in our stride is the only way we can determine things will get better.

    I have to say that ur the only person that I have ever met who has gone through so much in a short space so that is speechless to say the least. There's so much what's happened that we can't say what the future will hold for others, again though we do have a future but it's what we do now what counts.

    Have to live in the present not the past or future and we can all easily make this mistake but knowing how much we have been through or hopeing life treats us kindly later in life will give us what we see in the end but we shouldn't be thinking about it and we can easily do this though we don't have to. Just got to take one day at a time.

    Feel free to be u and don't change u but become a better for u so don't think about anyone else but u unless they truely care about u including u two. Think about that :)

    Hugs x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My family don't care, they where all in on it. I had Social Workers and stuff when I was younger after the primary school I went to noticed the marks and stuff that she had left, they referred us to Social Services, social worker came out and my parents said that there were doing nothing to me that I made it all up, it was left at that.

    Shit happens, by me leaving this place I leave everything behind and that's me happy. it's a fact of life that I'm hatted everywhere I go, here is no different.

    I don't talk about stuff that's happened or that I've been through unless I'm comfortable in the place I'm in so I guess that's say's something I know what people here think of me, and there's only so much a person can put up with. It's just pointless now.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Leaving sounds amazing. Bye.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My arm hurts from harming, im tired, im not at home, u want to go home. Iim so scared. U don't know what to do anymore. My chest hurts, my head hurts, everything hurts, my head keeps spinning.
    Sent from my RM-914_eu_euro1_337 using Tapatalk
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,221 The Mix Elder
    Big cuddles being sent first class to you right now my lovely!!

    Sorry to hear how your struggling.

    You say your not at home.
    When can you go home?

    We are all here for you and care about you lots. :heart:

    Stay strong lovely one. :)

    Sent from my GT-I8190 using Tapatalk
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I walked out.. Arm really really really hurts this moring... I'm so stupid :(
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,221 The Mix Elder
    Sorry its taken me so long to reply to you lovely one. I hope you are okay sweetie :heart;

    Sent from my GT-I8190 using Tapatalk
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm sick and tired of work making me cry... William (member of staff) is fucking horrible to me, I can't take it anymore. Three times this week I've been reduced to tears over it.. Him and Ciara where horrible. William was the worst tonight, just all night he has given sly digs, then today when we where cleaning up he screamed in my face over not being able to life a bucket... Despite my knee having gone out of place about 3 hours before... I was lucky this time Matt (Another member of staff who is like a Granddad to me) He heard what William was saying and told him to fuck off... He left at that, I then locked myself into the store and cried... Refused to come out untill everyone was gone. I'm sick of this :(

    What's the point in anything anymore, I don't even want to go into work now... I can't do this :( I can't.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm done. I'm not doing this anymore, I can't.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry... Bye.
  • casscubcasscub Posts: 138 The Mix convert
    Hello Owl,

    You may remember me from chat on here. And I have been reading this thread and my heart goes out to you about how much you have been open about how the fact that you have stayed as strong as you have for as long as you have and it amazes me so much and makes me see that deep down in your heart you still have the strength and courage to continue. I understand what your going through with loads of pain and with your knee popping out really i do. And i really really really do care too. If it had not been for you in chat i would have quit about a week ago now but because of you being so inspiring you kept me going and thats whats kept you going i think. I really care and i would be really really really sad if you left us i really would be because i care about you and i want you to stay as well your our owl who makes us all realise and see that you are our guiding light and i am sure everyone else would agree too.

    I hope you are okay angel really i do because your an amazing owl who is an amazing person who has loads of courage.

    Take care of yourself sweetie *hug*

    Casscub
    "Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose" 
    Lyndon B.Johnson 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fucking done! :( I knew I should not have bothered tonight! it's the forth night I've been reduced to tears over work :( There where horrible, the customers picked up on it, Willy was horrible, screamed at me so did Caria... I can't do this :( Paul just glared at Willy when he started at the start and he just ingored it after that... There's only so much I can take.

    At the end of the night Paul kept me back after the others had left, according to Caria and Willy I've been saying that someone is gonna be getting fired... From my reaction Paul knew this was not true... He then called Caria and Willy back, and spoke to them they addmited to telling lies in the hope 'It would get the wee shit fired' (their words) I walked out after that was said... There's only so much I can take, I can't do it :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Still super tearful after that... My legs are super painful which is making everything even harder... Tempted to do something that I know I should not do.. I just I don't know :(
  • JamesJames Posts: 1,706 Postholic
    Hey Suzy :)

    From what you've been saying, it sounds like work has been horrible lately.
    It's good to hear that you have Matt, but there seem to be lots of people making your life a bit miserable. I can only imagine how much harder it must be with your legs the way they are.

    As casscub and Bananamonkey said, we do care about you here :)
    From the sounds of it, so does Matt. Have you ever had the chance to talk to him about what you could do?
    No matter what happens at work, we'll be here to listen. Keep us updated :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey James,

    My legs are just being very leglike... I found out shortly after posting that from Gavin(another member of staff) that before I went in at 7 both Willy and Caria where taking the piss out of me...Gavin found them with a photo of me that they had printed out, and they where throwing stuff at it.. Sticking gum to it... Spitting at it, saying 'this is what we will do to you some day'

    It's just weird being somewhere where people do care I guess..

    Matt's lovely, me and him get on so well... Paul does not like us working togther cause of the way he acts around me... When he came in on Thursday he gave me a hug cause he knew what Thursday was... Paul hatted that...Matt knows how much I hate working there, he also knows that I'm looking for another job, I can't keep working there.. I just can't. I'm so scared to go in now :( Sorry D:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Feel like shit, trying my hardest not go give into the urges, they just keep getting stronger... Giving into them sounds like a much better plan.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Family are all yelling at me cause I've got no money to buy food... Oh I'm sorry I don't get payed till Wednesday, the freezer is empty the fridge is empty so is the cupboards. I can't fucking do this... I can't keep being the main person who brings in the money... I can't do this on my own :(
  • AndyAndy Posts: 185 Two little ducks
    Hi Suzy,

    That sounds really tough being the only person in the household who brings in money, especially with what's going on at work at the moment.

    Have you been able to chat with Matt about everything? You said he knows you're looking for another job, it's good to have a buddy help you along when looking for work.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hate it... They don't understand how hard it is... If money grew on trees it would be so much easer, I have a full 2p in my bank account... And they are still yelling at me calling me useless, stupid a waster... I can't do this for much longer, I'd happily buy them food if I had the money...And the fact that it's only Monday don't really help matters.

    I don't see Matt again till Saturday night just with the way our shifts work, he knows how much I hate it there... I just want to leave but I've got the family to support.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm not doing this anymore. Fuck the full fucking lot. Fuck it all. What's the fucking point in anything? like serious? I do everything I can it's it's fucking pointless! Just done with this. Simple. *vanishes*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm not doing this :( I'm not :( I'm so fucking stupid... I hate doing what I just did, I've lot everyone down... Why do I keep relapsing? Just why? I just want this pain to end :(

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Woke up this morning, cried cause i was still alive... Oh :\ My uncle made the paper, full named and everything. Our names where included. Everyone is going to know what hes done, everyone is going to know that we are related i cant do this i cant. In so fucking stupid :(
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm such a fucking tube...

    Was in work, Paul asked me Stephen and Gavin to clean the windows... He told me to stand on the chair to reach the top.. I looked at the chair and was like there is no way in hell that will support me.. Still he made me stand on the chair, as soon as I my weight on the chair, my leg went through it.. My leg is currently very multicolored and swollen. I can't put any weight on it.. I just tried to walk and I'm now on my bedroom floor in tears :( Worse thing about it... My leg is the one with the super bad knee...

    I'm such a fat horrible human..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Meh :(
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