I've never had a close friend since Junior HS. I am 27.

Former Member

I am 27 years old, never had a close friend, never had a bf.

I was very outgoing and gregarious throughout elementary school but in 7th grade, this girl I thought was my friend back-stabbed me and spread rumors about me. I was made into a social outcast. She stole all my friends.

I will admit that my social skills weren't that great to begin with because some people thought I was "weird" or that my conversations weren't flowing with what they were talking about. Therefore, even though I tried to talk to others, they either brushed me off, gave each other that weird secret look about me whenever I spoke, or didn't attempt to include me in their gatherings.

This made me extremely self-conscious with low self-esteem. In fact, I rejected others for the slightest reason before I could get rejected. I was scared to make friends because I was afraid of rejection. Guess what? I was right because I did hang out with a group during the beginning of high school but they thought I was weird, slightly immature so they didn't think of me as an official friend, just as a classmate who wants to hang out with them. I retreated into a shell and never attempted to make any friends again throughout high school. I ate alone in the library, bathroom stall, or hallway during lunch.

During the beginning of college, there was a group of girls I tried hanging out with but TO ME, they seemed to only talk among themselves and never invite me to hang out after class so I just left and started to hang out by myself. I hated feeling ignored or brushed off. I wanted to be the center of attention now but because of my low self-esteem and lack of ability to maintain friendships, it didn't work. Pretty much, I rejected them because I thought that they were brushing me off and not considering me a good friend.

I am in graduate school now and again, I forced myself to make friends but because I thought they brushed me off during conversation, I started completely ignoring them the next day. They don't talk to me anymore. I am exhausted. I pretty much give up now. Maybe some people are just meant to be by themselves...

Former Member

Well I do have friends, but many of them have girlfriends and stuff to do and since I am living alone I spend many days in a row with and by myself. I kinda feel you, but the only thing that will help is stepping out of your comfort zone again (in which you are not happy at all) and try again. I know it is hard, because you didn't have any success with it, but you sure as hell are not going to make friends by being by yourself. If you want things to be different, you need to change things up. It's not getting better by itself. Maybe you are weird. Spending a big part of your life alone just makes you weird, but you just have to give your best to be "normal" enough until you found someone you connect with. Once you have revived your social life the weirdness will go away.

Also, trying to join into groups of friends is often hard. Try to go for the lonesome people like yourself. Also, even if you are not actively trying to get to know someone, don't do stuff like eating on the toilet, that just makes you more whimsical. Just sit in the canteen and rock your solitude (I recently picked up my studies again and barely know the people there more than acquaintance level, so in the days I am at uni I don't feel very dissimilar, but I am not bothered by it). If someone you know comes up to and asks why you are by yourself, offer them a seat and say something like, "well, looks like I am not by myself anymore." or whatever.

Anyway, you kinda know what you have to do, you just dread it, because it failed so often. Be nice to people, try to arrange evenings out in a pub. Ask someone from the people you came with to play tablefootball or darts with you, or get them a drink when you both are empty (but don't insist that they return it). You know, just making the effort. Just sitting there in silence is not going to cut it. You really have to try. Involve yourself in conversations, say something about someone (a subtle compliment), ask what someone is drinking and if you can taste a sip. Talk about whatever, but talk. Also stay low on the alcohol, else you start yacking about whatever and weird them out again. I know how ergh it feels for I spend a year in solitude when I lived elsewhere. It becomes more and more difficult the more you don't do anything social until you give up and be miserable. It is really not difficult to do, you just have to suck it up and do it, even if it feels so off, because you've been out of the game for so long.

Former Member

Thank you so much for the sage advice. I really appreciate it.

Former Member

Sunrise16 wrote: »

Thank you so much for the sage advice. I really appreciate it.

I am sure someone more eloquent comes along soon and puts it into a less rambling response, but the jist remains the same: If you want a social life and friends, you need to act for it. Having failed a couple (maybe half-hearted) tries and then years of not trying again can absolutely discourage you from picking it up again (be it whatever, the dating game, making friends, leaving the house, finding work, it's always the same dreading feeling). I wish I had some advice or pointers or tricks to make it easier or to make success more probable, but I don't. Making friends is really not difficult. If worse comes to worst it's just a numbers game like dating, but you have to put some work into it and get back onto the horse right after it bucks you off.

Former Member

Hey there Sunrise!

I see where you are coming from. I too have had difficulties with making good close friends and sustaining that friendship. I still have not been able to make a close friend of my own, most of mine are family friends and family ect...

I got advice to join youth clubs or try volunteering to help to meet more new people. I have started volunteering in my area and I do actually have a few more friends, maybe you should try something similar too? As I have only just started they are not close friends, however, they could be in sometime in the future.

Being 'weird' is not a bad thing either. My social group at my college are totally weird! You just need to find people who can relate to you (and vice versa). And yes, this can be EXTREMELY hard.

In addition to what StrubbleS staid about being involved in conversations, music and television is a great topic to talk about. "Hey, did you catch [Programme] last night?", If someone's listening to music or the radio is on, "I love this song/band". It can be a really good conversation to be involved with, and it normally keeps flowing a so many people are into music and TV. Also if people are crazed over a new app (such as that stupid Flappy Birds Game), ask if you can have a go. Also, show your opinions; When everyone was playing Flappy Birds in my college, I kept saying it was a rubbish game It started off friendly arguments, which kept me involved in the conversation.

But do try to get more involved with the people around you. Sitting about will defiantly not help. :thumb:

Former Member

Thank you, Lottie Pottie. I will make more of an effort but I think the underlying problem with me is that I feel so insecure and afraid that people will brush me off or talk behind my back or give each other that 'look' once or after I speak. I have become paranoid because I've been hurt so much in the past. I cannot trust people anymore. I feel depressed as well. I get stressed out when I'm with others. I know how to make conversation but the problem is, I can't SUSTAIN that developing friendship. I get mad or offended at the slightest reason because I think I'm being looked down upon. I just ditch em before they ditch me first. Self-preservation technique, I suppose. I really have become comfortable being by myself. Almost too comfortable. I am close with my mother, she is my best friend so luckily, I have someone to talk to about my problems. However, this lack of social life will affect me when I begin working. I know how important developing good social relations is in work.

Former Member

Hi there Sunrise16 :wave:

It really does seem like this is deep rooted and, unfortunately, your insecurities that are mainly due to past experiences, are really blocking you from making those first steps. It's not something that can be brushed off, so know that we understand the difficulty of trying.

Its important to note though that it's great how aware you are of your feelings and your struggles - this gives you the tools and possibility to improve your situation :yes:

StrubbleS is right when he says it's a bit like dating - we try and try and the more we fail the more we get insecure, scared, defensive and bring our walls up. But is it always our fault and us that are "weird"? No its the combination of two people that just didn't match.
We can't fit with every person we meet, no matter how hard we try- but eventually it's possible to meet that one person/or those people that does/do fit.

Also, you noticing that you could possibly feel paranoid about what people think and say, is in a way letting you accept that perhaps not everyone doesn't like you or is laughing at you. It will be hard at first to believe and you will continue to doubt your thoughts occasionally - but gradually they will reflect reality more.

Joining volunteer groups or other activities such as sports etc can really help. Like you say, meeting someone isn't only the hard part, but sustaining the friendship/relationship is too - because it's also hard to trust. At the end of the day, we never really know what someone thinks about us or says behind our back...and assuming doesn't always help :no:
If you do meet someone and feel like they like you, or that you get on, try your best not to let your insecurities break this - even if you feel slightly offended or mad. And if you do, talking to them about it can actually help or bring you closer *hug*