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I'm just so scared...so down...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I feel like this is all coming to a close. No, not by death, but it feels like this is all just going downhill again.

My life is just like an emotional rollercoaster...up, down, up again, down again...and I don't know how much more I can take. I've been left emotionally (and physically) scarred by so many things, maybe it doesn't help that this time last year was a hard time. But I just don't know what to do anymore. I've lost the interest to even get up out of bed, let alone leave the house.

I know depression is getting a lot lot worse now, I can feel it creeping up on me...but it's just a mixture of things. If you imagine having an eating disorder screwing up your mind with confusion and unwanted thoughts, then imagine with that you are living in a world cycling between paranoia and inescapable sadness/depression, then you might have a small idea as to what my head feels like right now, and you may even be able to understand the reason behind my meltdowns and frequent anger. And there is still so much more than just that.

I'm just so lost...confused...and simply done with trying. :'(
Even interacting with people, online or real life, has just become a chore. I simply don't care about many things, when I'm not feeling this bad I'm just feeling numb, empty and broken. So it's just like there's no escape. And yesterday was such a good day...the best day I've had in 5 years, and it sickens me to see how much I've destroyed my emotional health just within this one day.

I'm sorry for the long post, but I just wish there was a way out of this.. I'm still crying, and have been non-stop for the past 2 hours... and I think I've already explained how hard it is for me to cry.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Caitlin,

    Good on your for having the motivation to write all of this down, did it help getting it off your chest at all?

    I wanted to pull out a couple of the things you mentioned.. firstly this..
    I know depression is getting a lot lot worse now, I can feel it creeping up on me...

    Depression is a serious and very real illness and the way you talk about your mind and this idea of 'unwanted thoughts' I think is something that anyone with depression will be able to relate to. As hard as it will feel right now to reach out, you've made a great first step by sharing things here - how would it be for you to reach out further to a professional like your GP or even just to a good friend or family member that you trust? It does sound like you're on a rollercoaster and that can't be easy but it's certainly not a ride you have to take alone.
    And yesterday was such a good day...the best day I've had in 5 years,

    This ^^ sounds really really positive :) Even though you may feel upset that the feeling didn't last, do try to hold on to the positive feeling from that day. Do you want to tell us what made the day so great for you?

    We're here to listen if you want to keep talking, how have the last couple of days been?

    Big hugs *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you for replying. :) Really helped to get that off my chest...the day I wrote this I was feeling very low.

    To be honest the reason I've held off seeing my GP is because I'm worried of being judged, or not taken seriously, or that I'm wasting their time etc, I had a bad experience when I reached out for professional help the first time. But thankfully I've got a few good friends who do know about this, just not very many, so if they're not around I can end up feeling quite alone.

    And yeah, on Tuesday I went to the HP Studio Tour. :) I know it sounds quite little for something that would have given me the best day in 5 years, but well escaping into a magical land is something I've always wanted to do, so this was kinda like a dream come true, haha. :D
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    Hey Caitlin.

    *hug* So glad posting has helped you.

    It makes sense that you don't want to go open up to your GP if you have had bad experiences in the past- sometimes it can be difficult to build that trust up again.

    It is good you have some close friends, is it possible to take them along to your GP with you for support? It sounds like they are a positive part of your life. Which is nice to hear.

    Aw I am glad you had fun at Harry Potter Studios. I have always wanted to go there. It doesn't sound little, it sounds like it was an amazing day for you and you deserved it.

    Keep us posted on how your doing.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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