Uncomfortable

Former Member

Another broken record post from me.

I'm fed up. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. Disgusted with myself and who I am. Stuff I've done, stuff I continue to do. I'm selfish and a horrible person. I feel like I don't belong amongst other people - my mind and head just can't work in a way that allows me to function in a normal way. I feel like there's always something missing, something that will never be right. And that's on a good day. I don't want to live like this. It becomes more and more painful the longer I feel like this, and the whilst a couple of years ago I had the hope of getting 'help' to keep me pushing on, that isn't there anymore as I've learnt that help for people like me just doesn't exist.

I don't even know what I want from other people. I don't want you to tell me that I'm not the things I think I am, because it doesn't help. I don't want people to tell me I should seek further help, because I'm at the end of the road. I'm not eligible for any sort of one to one therapy, and the group therapy that I'd been recommended for hasn't existed since the start of the year. What I really want is for someone to say that they'll help me take all the pain away.

Former Member

What are these things you do that make you feel this way?

Former Member

Hi I doubt we have done the same things as I dont know what you've done , but I feel the way that you describe, I have for a long time
I'm not going to lie , I don't know how long it takes for it to get better or if it does and I can't take the pain away. But your not the only one out there. And im sorry you feel that way. It sucks, but I really do hope it gets better

Former Member

Hey yellow, how's this week been so far? Have you managed to find any ways of coping in the last few days?

It must be really really hard to feel you're at the end of the road with what support is on offer for you. Have you ever tried calling Mind infoline for some advice - they may be able to recommend some options that you haven't thought of as well as look into what might be available locally to you. I'm not sure why you're not eligible for 1-2-1 therapy, has this been explained to you though? Is it something you might be able to challenge? It could be worth chatting to Mind about too.

I also just wanted to let you know, and I'm sure others here will agree, I've seen so much evidence to the contrary when it comes to you feeling selfish and horrible - my experience of you has always been someone who has a huge amount of time for others, is thoughtful and has an awful lot to give. You're smart, kind and funny and although it may not change how you feel, it's important to remember that how others experience you doesn't match up to what your head is telling you about yourself. Try and hold on to that compliment rather than dismiss it if you can :yes:

Let us know how you're doing, sending hugs *hug*

Former Member

Thanks for the replies.

I have been in contact with Mind before and there really is nothing. I'm not eligible because I'm not ill enough - there's something like only one therapist to cover the whole of the county. I'm moving soon so they are just waiting to hand me over to someone else. Has been like that since I got here 18 months ago.

I am coping. But I hate it. I'm desperately unhappy. I've tried talking to friends, family, professionals multiple times, trying different methods etc. Nothing works. I'm just not cut out to live in the harsh reality of real life. I don't know what else I can say.

I'm not saying my life is totally awful. There are moments that are really great. And I know people say to focus on those, but I can't. It's too hard when I have this ache of unhappiness in my chest. When I can feel myself being burnt from the things happening around me. When I do something stupid and can feel the heat of regret, guilt and shame. I really feel crushed by negative feelings.

Former Member

Hello 4th CPN in 18 months.

Former Member

Keep trying, honey. You will get there xx

Former Member

I'm struggling so much. Just saw this 4th CPN and I don't think she could have been more arsey. I've asked to be discharged - I don't see the point of turning up again and again just to hear about all the things I can't be offered and asked the same questions.

I don't even know what I want - nothing is helping so I just want to be left alone to get on with destroying myself.

I'm a waste of space

James

hey ysh - that sounds pretty horrible, and not what you needed to feel when seeing a CPN. It can't be easy feeling that you're at the end of the road, and it must be difficult to think anything positive about the future when it just seems like a dead end. You do deserve a future, and it's worth fighting for yourself.

When you said she asked the same questions, do you mean the same questions as the last 3 CPNs? If so, could that just be a standard set of questions they ask in the first meeting? Maybe she's trying to get to know your situation. Do you think a second meeting could be different?

Were you able to try the Mind Infoline that Jo suggested?