What are "normal" sex acts?

Former Member

Hi, I am a 39 yr old female and I have a serious question that I don't feel I can ask people I know.

I have been dating my bf now for just over a year. He had told me that he was into kink and BDSM, but I didn't really know what he meant. I have grown up very sheltered and I had a hard time adjusting to intimacy even as an adult after a very bad experience at age 16. When we first got together we had great sex, what I now know is known as "vanilla." Then we went through a phase where we had no intimate relationship for months. It was very hard on me emotionally, and I stuck out the relationship thinking things would get better. Then the bdsm and kink was a topic and it scared me. I tried a few things and I was nervous and fearful, but certain things make me feel humiliated even though they aren't true "humiliation" acts. Certain things really turn me off, one in particular that I won't name at this time, but he says that plenty of women do this thing in "vanilla" relationships and that I'm weird for not wanting or agreeing to do it. He wants me to do as he says with no hesitation or refusal, but it doesn't feel right. I feel sad because to me, this isn't love-making. He tells me it is deeper than love bc of the trust you have to have. There is more to the story, but this is the heart of it.

I need to know if I'm being prudish or just standing up for myself.

Former Member

Normal depends on the person and their partner - if you aren't comfortable with a particular act then you shouldn't feel obliged to take part in it out of a sense of love or duty. Likewise if there's something that works for the two of you it doesn't matter really what other people think of it.

That said, for me "normal" sex acts have been very simple positions for vaginal intercourse, with masturbation (not involving any aids) and oral sex used mainly as foreplay for that.

Former Member

I agree with your "normal." He wants me to taste myself, and he says tons of women do. I never heard of it until he brought it up. I don't know if this is "normal" I feel like an idiot not knowing.

Former Member

I don't think there is anything 'normal' or 'not so normal'.

If there is something that doesn't feel right to you and you don't want to do, then don't do it. Do not let your boyfriend pressure you into something you don't want to do, you are allowed to say no and he should respect your decision one hundred percent.

Former Member

That is what I believe, and it is the advice I would give to someone under the same situation. I guess I just wondered if I was being too closed minded. I don't like the bdsm mentality of doing whatever the dominant says. I don't see how that is love. I've even tried to find someone in the same boat or on the other side of the fence that could help me understand or see things differently. I've been afraid to fall in love with him, and I haven't allowed myself. I know it's not the right thing to do, but I've told him I love him even though I have serious doubts. How can I really love someone who wants to treat me that way?

Former Member

Is it just the sexual side of things that make you doubt the relationship?

Have you actually had a proper conversation with your partner about the way you're feeling, and if not, do you think you could?

Former Member

Hey! Bit of a kinky person myself, and I just wanted to weigh in here. Your partner isn't demonstrating 'dominance' in the bdsm sense of the word- he's being emotionally manipulative and perhaps so far as abusive.

Yes, some people do what you've described and think it normal- but you're definitely not weird for not liking it. The true kink community is all about consent and agreement, and it doesn't sound like he's giving you any opportunity or information to be fully informed and able to agree.

If you do want more info about the other side of the fence, pm me.

Former Member

Butterfly, I have talked to him about it calmly and it usually goes badly. Just last night it seemed to carry over into other parts of our lives. We don't usually fight about other things, but we did. We had a horrible evening out, and he questions whether I love HIM or not. I guess I kinda wonder too, bc I didn't want to fall in love with him from the get-go bc I've been hurt so many times. We saw each other a year before he said he loved me, and I honestly never expected to hear it from him. I think I was semi-ok with a relationship that didn't include love. We got along, we had fun together. I accepted that it wasn't going to be love and now he wants it to be love and I don't know how to feel about that.

There are other things that have made me doubt the relationship like all of the above, the fact that he won't go to bed at the same time as me ever, even though I have asked him over and over to do so just a few times a week. Because we've had a bedroom issue I thought it would be helpful if we went to bed at the same time so there might even be the possibility of something. But he never does, and I am always asleep way before he comes up to bed as I have a job requiring me to wake early.

I'm pretty distraught right now, and he says he's the one who should be crying. IDK what to do anymore.

Former Member

As another kinky person (and I'm normally the dominant one) I'd agree with what purple_roo is saying. If someone I was with wasn't happy with what I wanted to do sexually then I wouldn't be happy either - it's about trust on both sides and also communication. He needs to listen and take into account the things you like and don't. If he doesn't that's manipulative and controlling

Former Member

Another kinky person here, and I'm a dominant male.

"If you loved me you'd do it" is not BDSM, it is not fetish, it is not dominance. It is manipulation and it is abuse.

He should be listening to what you do like, what you're prepared to try, and he should be doubly listening to the things that you will never try under any circumstances. It's a cliche but it is true that the person on the bottom is the one truly in control; it is your boundaries that are respected, not the dominant person's. When you say no it means no, it doesn't mean "emotionally blackmail me into doing it".

If you're not into the same things sexually and that is an issue for one or both of you, then perhaps the relationship isn't the right one. That's ok, but pressuring you into doing stuff you don't want to do is not ok.

Former Member

Hi there Skylar0,

Seems like this has been really hard for you and is making you doubt your feelings and what you feel you want to do sexually. Just wanted to highlight a few responses;

krng wrote: »

if you aren't comfortable with a particular act then you shouldn't feel obliged to take part in it out of a sense of love or duty

butterfly123 wrote: »

If there is something that doesn't feel right to you and you don't want to do, then don't do it. Do not let your boyfriend pressure you into something you don't want to do, you are allowed to say no and he should respect your decision one hundred percent.

Miss_Riot wrote: »

it's about trust on both sides and also communication. He needs to listen and take into account the things you like and don't

Arctic Roll wrote: »

"If you loved me you'd do it" is not BDSM, it is not fetish, it is not dominance. It is manipulation and it is abuse [...] When you say no it means no

You mention everytime you talk to him, it usually goes badly. It seems like you are trying hard to communicate, however he doesn't seem to be allowing you to express how you feel. You also say that you're unsure about whether you love him, mainly due to the fact you were hurt previously - is this the case or could there be another reason?

Perhaps writing him a letter (whether it be about your feelings towards him or what he is asking of you sexually) could help him understand better and perhaps take it a bit more seriously. The important thing to remember is to do what you feel is right and follow your gut instinct.

Have a look at our article on unfair sexual demands which could help.

Do let us know how you get on *hug*