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Mixed feelings....

*BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
in Health & Wellbeing
I am unsure of how to start this thread off, so maybe I will just explain what I am thinking/feeling.

I have messed up quite a lot recently, and I have lost friends, and said horrible things. I haven't meant any of those things though, I have been struggling with being paranoid and when people don't speak to me for whatever reasons I take it to wrong way, and I don't mean to be that way, I really want to change and fix things.

I am sorry for being a horrible person, and for having this personality, I dislike myself so much for how I have treated others recently.

I fully deserve for people to be disliking me right now, but trust me, I don't think you can dislike me as much as I dislike myself at the minute.

I guess I have been struggling with the person I am at the minute, I know that it's only me who can change the person I am. I accept that, I want to change and not be like this, I want to be a lovely person.

Everything is just really getting to me at the minute, my relationship with my mum feels like it has completely broken down, and I don't know what to do about it.

The harming is getting more often, I stopped taking my medication (I know it's a silly thing to do) but I have my reasons, silly reasons but I still have reasons. I didn't like how the medication was making me feel, I kind of wanted to feel more like others, without having to take medication. Even though I have realised that medication is needed to make me feel okay, and more like others. I have made the decision to go back on my medication now.

Just feel like I am living a big lie, and I can't open up and let people know how I am really feeling. Cos I have to be a okay and happy, for my job, my family.

Work is stressful, got lots to do and so little time to do it. I clearly need to learn how to manage my time better.

I just want to hide away, I can't.

I have to go to work, I have to be okay.

This is all my fault, I have caused all this.

I just want to know how I can fix things.
" And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
" So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
'' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think it's about deciding that you want to make a change and then taking ownership of making that change happen - by going back to the GP for a referral, reading books on prescription, being around people that help you feel better and stuff. Otherwise you're going around in circles.
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Thank you Miss Riot.

    You talk lots of sense and it has given me something to consider. I do want to get better and I am ready to take steps.

    Thank you for putting up with me as a friend. I know I can be annoying.



    Sent from my GT-I8190 using Tapatalk
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    plugitinplugitin Posts: 2,197 Boards Champion
    Miss_Riot wrote: »
    I think it's about deciding that you want to make a change and then taking ownership of making that change happen - by going back to the GP for a referral, reading books on prescription, being around people that help you feel better and stuff. Otherwise you're going around in circles.

    What Miss Riot said - great advice.

    When you're feeling low, it's hard to be positive about yourself, but know you are a lovely person and hating yourself brings nothing to the table.

    Have you got back on your medication yet?
  • Options
    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    plugitin wrote: »
    What Miss Riot said - great advice.

    When you're feeling low, it's hard to be positive about yourself, but know you are a lovely person and hating yourself brings nothing to the table.

    Have you got back on your medication yet?

    yeah back on it now.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    JamesJames Deactivated Posts: 1,706 Extreme Poster
    Hey everyone,

    I've deleted some of the posts in this thread as things were getting a little heated and off-topic.
    Let's remember that the boards are public - the whole world can see what's posted here, so it's not really the place for private conversations.


    BananaMonkey, it sounds like things are getting really hard and that you're quite tired of the way things are. But it also sounds like you've got a good idea of the way you want things to be, which can be a positive thing! Having something to aim for can be a great motivator and help us make the right decisions to get there. You've already started this by going back on your meds :)
    Can you think of any more next steps?
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    plugitinplugitin Posts: 2,197 Boards Champion
    That's a great first step, how are you feeling about it?

    I know for me I always felt quite torn about whether taking the medication was right for me, but in the end sticking with it really helped me get to a place where I could engage with therapy to try and make changes to my behaviours.

    What do you think your next steps will be?
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Thank you Jpick and plugitin

    I don't know what to do next, I am just taking it one day at a time.

    I feel okay about being back on my meds.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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    plugitinplugitin Posts: 2,197 Boards Champion
    One day at a time sounds good to me :)

    Baby steps x
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Thank you lovely x
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Options
    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Don't feel safe. Feel numb and empty and scared. :/

    Sent from my GT-I8190 using Tapatalk
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Options
    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Worst night sleep. Today is gonna be fun. :(
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Options
    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Thank you lovely. Hope your okay. ♡

    On the brightside all the toothache is for a reason this time, my wisdom tooth has started to come through on the other side now. Which means hopefully will come through fully eventually. I am in agony though. Been up pretty much all night. But its friday which makes me smile. :)

    Dosing self up to get through the day.

    Sent from my GT-I8190 using Tapatalk
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Options
    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Yay!! :)

    Sent from my GT-I8190 using Tapatalk
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Options
    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Not doing to good at the minute.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Options
    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Nope. But it's fine. It doesn't matter
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Options
    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    meh, had good news on Friday. I was happy at the time but now I feel really overwhelmed and rubbish, stupid head. :(
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Options
    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    I can't deal with this anymore, I don't know why I am even posting this :'(

    Just need an escape
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Options
    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    nothingw ill change how much I fucked things up tonight :'(
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Options
    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    I have. I have ruined everything, recovery is shit, everything is shit. I just want to disappear but I can't even get that right
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You are stronger than you think banana monkey you've proved that by still being here when you've not wanted to be that shows strength even if you think so otherwise.

    Recovery is never going to be easy if it was easy we wouldn't need help support or medication. It's a road that may take forever and ever or a shorted road. Take it one day at a time and remember each day is a new day :)

    Hugs


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    :( My mood is so up and down. I was low then hyper and now low again. I cant deal with it anymore. :(

    Sent from my GT-I8190 using Tapatalk
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Options
    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    I am feeling really low.

    Sent from my GT-I8190 using Tapatalk
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Options
    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    :'(

    Sent from my GT-I8190 using Tapatalk
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Keep strong banana monkey! 😊 recovery is a bumpy road but if you hold on tight and don't let go you can get through this feeling stronger than ever!!

    Hugs 😊


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Thank you.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Options
    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Really not doing to good. :(

    Want to harm, and I am on my own. I just feel paranoid and hate myself.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Options
    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    :'( Can't do this.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Options
    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Meh.. so scared of myself, have no one to talk too. In loads of pain and feel really disconnected.

    Sent from my GT-I8190 using Tapatalk
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Options
    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Thanks. Had a bad night due to toothache so really tired. Ill be fine. Always am. Just be glad when I wont be in pain anymore.

    Sent from my GT-I8190 using Tapatalk
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Options
    *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Posts: 5,462 Part of The Furniture
    Had a good day yesterday but when I got home things went bad, harmed and felt really alone and today is the same. I don't know what to do any more. I wish I could turn back time, go back to a time where I had people who were friends, and a time where I was okay. I feel like such a failure, I feel like I deserve every bit of pain I cause myself.

    All I do is treat people like rubbish all the time. The paranoid thoughts are too much and I wish I could make everything stop for a while.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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