boyfriend of a year has depression and s.a.d. wants to be single..for 2nd time.. help

Former Member

Im a 43 year female and been seeing a 36 year old male ( he suffers with S.A.D. and struggles with his emotions ..been going out for a year everything’s has been great with the relationship, but we are an hour away from each other, we have been seeing each other mainly every 2 weeks but sometimes it was ¾ weeks due to life getting in the way iv always tried to understand. He doesn’t work right now but has been trying to get work.
Yesterday, 1 day before our year anniversary he decides to say he wants to be single, but cant give me an explanation at all, he cares about me, wud kill for me, wants to be with me. Doesn’t want to lose me or couldn’t bare to see me with anyone else..but he doesn’t think its an idea we should be together due to he’s not in a position to be going out with anyone.
its too much pressure ( but doesn’t explain what pressure). Cause he has a billion things etc.. doesn’t think its equal in feeling etc..he says there’s no one else and he hasn’t gone off me, but doesn’t think its fare but he contradicts himself constantly with no real reason that he want to be single, he doesn’t think things will get better and even if he worked it wud be worse due to more hours.. he repeats saying he has nothing to give feelings wise but i ask is it cause he has no feeling for me, he says no he has strong feeling for me.i said he just wants to scrumple me up and throw me away by dumping me, he said im not doing that. I said but that’s what ur doing.
he said im just saying i don’t see a future in it, well for the majority of 2014 anyway while he sorts out things.. he repeats over and over iv got nothing to give, iv got nothing left to give, he says he cares about me and im cool we get on etc but he says im just in no situation to be with anyone..its not that i want to throw it away, iv just got nothing left to give, what u want i can’t give u that???Feelings and stuff..when i ask what feelings he has for me he struggles saying i care about u, of course i have got feelings for u, good ones, the good kind, i like you but struggles with saying any more, yet he says he wud hate it if i was with someone else and wud kill for me. He says he not pushing me out of his life, but he is. And doesn’t want to be in any relationship at all.. and says over and over im not going anywhere.
I’m so confused and put a year into this relationship and my heart and soul is with him even with his faults, but so confused in on hand he doesn’t seem to want to lose me but he’s dumping me.??
Please help me ...i don’t know what to do..
p.s. he also dumped me in oct similar reasons but blamed it on S.A.D. and wen we spoke 4 days latter seamed to understand me and we were ok again, but i don’t think it helps he was drinking a lot at the time also and this time was the same he had drunk a lot of alcohol.
thanks

Former Member

Hey welcome

Sorry to hear ur having a bad time at the moment . Have u tryed speaking to him about how ur feeling again

Here's some links that could help u
http://www.thesite.org/sex-and-relationships/relationships/how-to-talk-to-your-boyfriendgirlfriend-3508.html
http://www.thesite.org/sex-and-relationships/pregnancy-and-parenthood,relationships

Former Member

Maybe it would help both of you if you went on a break? Not so much breaking up again; but he sounds as though he needs space to sort himself out.

Former Member

Hi lonley21,

Welcome to the boards :wave:

It sounds like a really difficult situation and seems very upsetting for you

Unfortunately, you say he suffers from depression, and it seems like this might be a factor in his decision making. He might know what he wants sometimes, and other times might not feel good enough or feel confused. The problem is that you are at the other end of his confusion.
Is he seeing anyone to deal with his depression and s.a.d?

Have you spoken to him about this while he was sober? You mention when this happens he usually has had a drink, perhaps talking about this while both of you are sober can be a lot more helpful. Have a look at Bubbley-Heather's link on communication, which can help guide you. Could also be worth thinking of taking a break, as Melian suggests?

Do let us know how you get on, good luck :yes:

Former Member

Hi Christele

I only know that he?s seen a doc before who was not helpful and laughed at him, he did offer tabs for depression but he doesn?t want to take them I think because it might come back on him somehow when he?s working again.
He has done research himself and has a lamp and tries to control it in other ways but a few weeks ago his bulb broke and was without if for a week or so, I?m worried this could be the cause and after effects?? But don?t know.
I was so distraught after the phone call him dumping me, he was getting rude and nasty threatening to hang up on me so my stupid pride got in the way and I hung up on him in tears. We haven?t spoke at all since and he never called me either etc.. I?ve been doing research and found a site called "how to get a ex back.com" I?ve got it and trying to follow a 14 text message program to see if I can get him to respond positively and hopefully open up but I have enough trouble with him doing this and he hates talking about the sad so you can see my difficulties.
I text him for the first time today he text back but just said he was sorry for us parting?? So hurt me so much.
Yea he haven?t drunk for months proper just once or twice but I think it?s when he?s on his own he drinks a lot more and gets down cause of stuff in his life I think and stuff in his head etc..
Break wise I have no choice, so its finding a way to get the gorgeous man I love and admire back to his usual stuff and wanting me again.?? I just don?t understand. How he says I?m the only positive thing in his life yet throws me away?

Former Member

hi Bubbley heather

Thanks for the links etc.. Iv just posted the information above on whats happening at mo.. if u can suggest anything else id be very grateful.

Many thanks again