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I just want a 'normal' family

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi sorry I am new to this, and this is my first post and it may be a bit long sorry!
And sorry about grammar I'm dyslexic

Me and my parents have a bit of a formal/weird relationship they are from a much older generation with much stricter up bringing. As all kids/teenagers do, I pushed the boundaries a bit or made mistakes, this always resulted in either being hit or having something thrown at me. One particular vivid memory I have is of when I was 8 years old I was doing a school homework project and accidentally squirted glue on my jumper, my mum was livid and was screaming at me kicking and punching me until I curled up in the corner crying and my sister and nan dragged her off me.

Moving on from that as a teenager I was never given any privacy mum would continually root through my room, read my diary and go through my things. Which just resulted in me constantly feeling like I just couldn't have any space of my own. Even when I was working she would go through my bank statements to see what I was spending and where, always so controlling. She was never happy if I spent too much (i.e over 40 pounds on clothes or anything like that) I was only allowed 1 night a week to see friends even when I was 18 and wanted to go out drinking and was spending my own money and working hard for it.

Relationships wise she has Never accepted any boyfriend I have had there has always been some problem or another. I was not allowed to make my own mistakes to learn from, for some reason I had to learn from hers. She will constantly try and set me up with people who she thinks I should be with (and still tries it now!). I know that parents only want the best for you, as people always say but she really goes to extremes. I am a young adult now in my early 20's I have been with my current boyfriend 4 years yet she still cannot accept him. She tries to make him feel singled out, will talk really negatively about me to him, wont include him in things (recently her and my dad wouldn't even wish my boyfriend happy new year at a new years party yet she did everyone else).

Every aspect of my life has been controlled by her until I moved out 2 years ago, but now it has left me struggling with confidence and self esteem. She still causes problems even through I live nearly 300 miles away, I get phone calls moaning about my boyfriend, my weight, our house, money. They constantly try to get me to move back home using anything they can as 'levarage' Yet still they are family and I will always love them no matter what they put me through I am the kind of person that forgives easily. I would feel lost if I cut them off.

Both her and my dad moan that I don't visit enough, yet I visit them more than they ever bother to visit us. We don't have much money as it is the first time we have rented a house and we are just starting off, my boyfriend needed us to mover here for his work and it is a lovely area which many people come to for holidays. We even have a spare room which they could stay in to cut the cost, yet every time there is always an excuse: weather, our dog, their dog and the usual "it would just feel awkward" (mums favorite excuse).

I had depression recently partly because of this and a situation at work and not being able to cope with so much stress going on. I just don't know what to do anymore I hate not seeing them and part of me feels sorry for them as now they are older they seem so fragile. Its as if that vision you see as a child of your parents being strong and unbreakable has just vanished.

My half brother now lives closer which means he can make sure they are ok and he has a better relationship with mum than me and my half sister, however it has taken him a long time to get the relationship like that.

I just wish things could be 'normal' our family is so disjointed I hardly even speak to my half brother and sister, they are so much older than me so I didn't grow up with them. I feel like I hardly know them, yet as a child my half sister was more like a mother to me she was my role model, supportive and caring.

This all just makes me feel like I am alone, my boyfriends family are lovely and so supportive. But still that's not my family :(


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    Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    Sorry to say this, but you make me think of an alcoholic saying "I don't want to stop drinking all the time, I just want it to stop being bad for my health".
    It can't be done. Some people are just unlucky enough to be born to awful parents. The best you can do for yourself is to stop thinking about them. You can't have a normal family (with the meaning that the word "family" has for you) any more than someone born with one arm can have two. At best they can get an artificial one, or even possibly a transplant.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hate to say this to someone but your mother sounds like a vile person who physically abused you as a child. I was abused by my father and had to cut ties with him and his side of the family, which has left me with just my mum and friends who I would consider as good as family.

    Personally I would cut ties with your mother especially and try to create a good support network around you of friends and people who may as well be your own family. For your own sake!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there Jellybatt6,

    Welcome to the boards :wave:

    It's completely understandable, that after all you've been through you, you wish you had a "normal" family. From your post, it does seem like you've had a really tough time with your mum, and her being controlling has affected you and is still affecting you.
    It's amazing though that you are able to recognise this and able to look back and notice that the way your mum was/is acting and behaving towards you, isn't right.

    You mention you have had depression, have you seen anyone about this? Perhaps talking to a counsellor about what has happened can help?

    Do you feel able to talk to your boyfriend and friends about how this is making you feel?

    You say you used to see your half sister as your "mother" figure and she used to be caring and supportive. Of course the age gap must mean your lives could be very different, but perhaps its worth reaching out? Sometimes the "normal" family we want, we can't have - but sometimes it's worth looking further for family that we can have.

    Do let us know how you get on *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My brother was the one who took me to one side and said look you do realise that this isn't normal, parents don't usually act like this. By the sounds of things him and my sister had it a lot worse than me.

    I went to my doctor about my depression and did some CBT not too sure if that actually did anything for me though. I think talking to the therapist was the most helpful part I just needed someone to talk to that wasn't family or my boyfriend.

    My boyfriend knows about all of this we've had quite a few long conversations about it. He knows to ignore what she might say to him because she is only trying to stick a knife between us. Usually he avoids seeing her if possible, he would rather be at work than have to listen to her. Unluckily having moved to this area not so long ago I don't have a friendship group around me, and thanks to my parents I also don't have many friends who I have known that long or that I am that close to.

    I talk to my sister a bit more at the moment, she is just about on speaking terms with mum after a major argument. My boyfriends mum knows a little bit about my family and she is very supportive, warm and kind :)

    I think at the moment I just need to work on getting some friends in this area, I have tried a few things such as an art club and walking club but so far it just tends to be much older people, I would really like friends my own age.
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    JamesJames Deactivated Posts: 1,706 Extreme Poster
    Hey Jellybatt6,

    It sounds like you've got a pretty good grasp of everything and are working out ways to build a network that your mum can't control. I can imagine that talking to therapist was useful. No matter how supportive the people around us are, sometimes just being able to talk to someone new can really help.
    Jellybatt6 wrote: »
    I think at the moment I just need to work on getting some friends in this area, I have tried a few things such as an art club and walking club but so far it just tends to be much older people, I would really like friends my own age.

    This seems like a great idea! Meeting people in a new area can be tricky, but it can be done. Do you have any other ideas, volunteering for example?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi i have a similar problem with my mother and her over controlling behaviour. I feel like she genuinely doesn't want me and my boyfriend together, ok so maybe he's a little lazy but so am i but he's really loving, caring and understanding. I like you don't know what to do except in still living at home. It would be great to talk to you more about our problems with our parents if you'd like. I don't know anyone else who has these issues as most people i know my age are independent unfortunately due to my circumstances i cant just live completely independent and cut myself off from my parents. I hope that you are able to work it out somehow, sorry i cant be of more help! But i send best wishes!
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