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Problems Getting Over an Ex.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm kind of ashamed to be writing here, but I do need advice since I think my inability to get over a previous relationship is screwing with my mental health.

I was in a very intense relationship with my ex for several months, but due to my depression/mood swings and his mental health issues... it meant we were like Jekyll and Hyde with each other. Obviously, this took its toll and he grew to resent me because I was making his mental health worse, but he was too scared to leave in case I hurt myself (which I know was incredibly cruel and unfair of me to behave in such a way that he'd believe this). Any way, despite my ex being incredibly supportive, I was still drinking and overdosing and so eventually I was placed in hospital and he broke up with me- this was over 8 months ago.

When I was discharged from hospital, we continued talking and I suppose... we were still having a fling but it just wasn't official. However, after I was raped by my housemate, it completely changed things. He said that I deserved it and he acted as if I had cheated on him and so this was when I decided to move back to Scotland to get my head sorted out and perhaps things would be better later. Except it didn't get better... and my mental health got, dare I say it, worse. My ex eventually had enough and he cut all ties with me completely in December. He has ignored every attempt I've made to talk to him since then, and I know this is probably the best thing he could do because I clearly was making him worse.

Except I'm really struggling to accept it. I'm trying incredibly hard to keep myself on a level keel, but I feel that because I'm still hopelessly in love with someone who is no longer interested in me, it is screwing with my emotions and thoughts. I have no interest in dating any one else because I don't think any one else can compare. I'm still crying every night over him, and I often find that the only way I can manage to sleep is to pretend I'm still cradled against his chest. I've found myself having incredibly disturbing thoughts, of literally stalking him at his work place (as I don't know where he now lives as he moved house) in order to see him. I have thoughts of seriously hurting him and then myself. The only way I've been able to manage to cope with these feelings is to write him a text explaining how I feel, but then to simply save it and not send it (as I know that by sending him messages I am harassing him).

I'm just really terrified of the intensity of these emotions and the thoughts I'm having. I literally do feel like a crazy stalker and I'm terrified that these thoughts are going to get worse and I do eventually do something bat shit crazy. I'm aware everyone here is going to say that "these feelings will pass", but I've been trying to get over him since June and it's simply gotten worse, not better. I'm just completely at a loss at what to do to get over him and just need some advice/support... and for someone to tell me I'm not crazy for having these thoughts (though you probably all think I am...).

I appreciate any one who bothers to read this. Sorry, for coming across as properly mental.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Niet,

    I do think your thoughts can be a little intense but I do not think you're 'crazy' or 'proper mental' at all. I wondered if you had thought about talking to a professional about your thoughts and feelings? I'm not sure what thoughts and feelings are 'normal' when getting over an ex but I don't think thoughts of harming him and yourself or stalking him are 'normal' and I'm worried you may want to act on these. Nobody will judge you and professionals are more qualified to better help you whilst dealing with these feelings.

    I wondered if you have heard about the Ask Thesite Service? It may be worth asking them a question about your break up? It can be as long as you like too.

    I wanted to comment on what you said here:
    Nietzsche wrote: »
    after I was raped by my housemate, it completely changed things. He said that I deserved it

    I know how much it hurts when somebody who is supposed to care about you says something like that *hug* It was not your fault and never will be. You did not know it was going to happen so you could not have stopped it.

    Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Feelings will most likely diminish in time. That's not to say that it will be quick, or that they will go away, but when someone is completely removed from your life chances are one day you will realise that those feelings aren't what they once were.

    Speaking from experience, over 2 years on from someone breaking up with me, and who I'm probably still not entirely over myself...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I wondered if you had thought about talking to a professional about your thoughts and feelings? I'm not sure what thoughts and feelings are 'normal' when getting over an ex but I don't think thoughts of harming him and yourself or stalking him are 'normal' and I'm worried you may want to act on these. Nobody will judge you and professionals are more qualified to better help you whilst dealing with these feelings.

    Sounds like you went through a really rough time *hug* and the fact you are posting here is a really good sign that you want things to feel better, and we're all listening.

    Have you been able to talk to anyone about all this? Whether it be family, friends or a professional, it could really help to have someone there for you during this tough time.
    Butterfly123 also correctly said that being raped is not and never will be your fault. Have you been able to talk to someone about what happened?

    Break ups are always really hard, and take time to get over, so try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Sometimes things need to get worse in order to get better. However it does seem like it might have become overwhelming. Its understandable that you feel the need to see him and the need to speak to him...perhaps whenever you have an urge to text him, call him or see him, you can text/call/see a friend? The more you get through these urges, the easier it will get.

    It's a great idea to express yourself in these texts and then not send them. Maybe you could start writing a diary or letters "to him" - that you keep for yourself - as it could really help you get all these feelings out (and posting here is always a good way too!).

    Good luck and let us know how you are doing *hug*
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