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Triggering - signed a historic abuse statement

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've finally signed the statement I made about abuse I suffered as a kid at the hands of my father. It's a bit scary because I'm worried about what will happen next - it's all in the hands of the CPS once they've arrested and questioned him. I'm not really sure what the chances of it going anywhere is - I've been told there's some chance as otherwise they wouldn't have re-opened the case, but other than that who knows. I'm really scared about what would happen if it does go to court and what would happen if he was found not guilty. I know I'm guessing things which haven't yet happened but there's so many thing which I have to get my head around.

Help!
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You're so brave :heart:

    I really hope he is found guilty, and he gets what he deserves!

    I don't have anything helpful to say, I just wanted you to know that whatever does happen we will always be here for you *hug*

    What are you scared will happen?
  • littlemissylittlemissy knit chick Posts: 9,972
    I have no words of comfort and can't really comprehend your situation as I have never been in your position but I really do commend and admire your bravery in doing this. I sincerely hope it is the start of closure and that you get what you need from opening these wounds again. Good luck x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well done on signing the statement. I know it's hard bringing up the past. It was hard when my sister made a statement against dad and uncle for abuse and it was so hard for me as they hated her for speaking out I wish I did too but having seen how they treat my sister for it I can't :( luckily me and my sister are close knows how I feel and love her. It's history now as she made it a long time ago but I've had police reopen it when I spoke out but refused to take it further.

    Well done on your bravy! Stay strong, here if you would like to chat :) xx


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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm scared he'll be found not guilty and come after me or the same if they can't charge him. I'm scared of appearing in court and being smeared by the press or by him.
    I've been told to get hold of victim support but I live in a different county to where the offence took place
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You can still access victim support even though you've moved to a different country and they will have more knowledge on the process and your options.

    Well done for being so brave.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Brave for taking the steps, something that I'm sure was immensely hard to do.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey there Miss_Riot,
    Like others have already said I'm sure it was hard step for you to take; you are brave.
    Just picking up on what piccolo suggested, here are some details for contacting Victim Support - http://www.victimsupport.org.uk/help-for-victims
    Supportline - 0845 30 30 900.
    They will be trained to answer the type of questions that you are currently thinking through in your head.
    Keep us posted.

    :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks. I think my mum needs some help to because she's getting so many flashbacks just from thinking about giving her witness statement. It's really hard seeing PTSD in someone else that I care about, sometimes harder than jut having it myself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Miss_Riot wrote: »
    Thanks. I think my mum needs some help to because she's getting so many flashbacks just from thinking about giving her witness statement. It's really hard seeing PTSD in someone else that I care about, sometimes harder than jut having it myself.

    Have you managed to speak to Victim Support? As others have said, this could help to reassure you around some of the what ifs.

    Does your mum have any sort of support in place or might she be open to seeking some?

    It sounds like you're both doing your best to look out for each other but seeking support independently will be important too over the coming weeks where you can. It must be really hard to see symptoms in her that you can relate to *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I haven't manage to get it done today - it was another hectic day and I'm away 'til Thursday night now but I might get a chance to call them before then.

    She has got people to talk to but I don't think she will. She tried to talk to a friend when we were away last week but this friend is very busy and never seems to have that much time.

    As for me - I need to talk to my best friend more. I'm kind of waiting for the call telling me they've arrested him, and the anxiety of that is really hard at times. It's kind of got me by the guts.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    FFFS!

    I CANNOT get the number for my county victim support or find a non-0845 central number. Stupid fucking cuts making essential services totally inaccessible!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There is an app that makes them free to call from mobiles: http://mobile.pcadvisor.co.uk/how-to/mobile-phone/3471072/call-0845-0870-0800-numbers-free-from-your-mobile/

    Otherwise they should be local rate. You could also buy a small amount of Skype credit, which goes a long way.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Finally managed to get hold of them to be told that they can't help me and they'll have to find another charity that can - most of which I've already called and have said the same.

    I kind of feel I'm battling this all by myself again. Mum has gone into getting panicky about everything from parking the car without the right change to choosing what to eat of an evening and I'm not sure what to do about it all. She won't talk to anyone like a counsellor (partly because that's what my father was) and I can't get her to talk to her friends about how's she's feeling because they apparently either have enough on their plate or they're too busy. So I'm back to depending on my one friend who is miles away and who is finding things tough enough as it is.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Got a call from my case officer, no progress still but she's referring me to her county victim support because mine is non-existent! The waiting is hard I feel every time she calls it's going to be the call. She's discussing more with her Sargent I'm guessing as they might need to get other constabularies involved. Unless he's dead in which case I'm not sure how I'll feel.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Got a call from my case officer - They found my father, haven't arrested him as they need another statement from my mother, but that was not the news I needed to hear when I'm here on my own and having a really hard time of it as it is. I'm actually feeling very fragile right now...not sure what to do with myself
  • JamesJames Posts: 1,706 Community Manager
    That's big news MissRiot. It's understandable your feeling a bit fragile, especially considering you're still looking for a new PA and trying to cram so much reading in for your new course.

    How are you today - have you had a chance to start processing it? I saw that you said music isn't really working for you right now. How about your other techniques?
    You mentioned that your case officer is referring you to her county's victim support. Has there been any progress there?
    (I'll stop asking questions now!)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Very on edge again, my PA has wound me up again so I'm feeling really anxious now. I've just been trying to keep myself busy, using my language learning app and tidying the kitchen and the living room but I haven't really been able to process that much. I might get my copy of courage to heal out and do some of the exercises in that. I wanted to do some sewing but I don't have a pattern for what I want to make and I can't seem to find one online. Mindfulness right now doesn't feel like something achievable - I feel more like a hummingbird than a Buddhist nun. No progress with victim support I might try though and see if I can speed it up.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Things have progressed a bit - the case officer told me this morning (as they now have my mother's statement) that they are only a couple a weeks away from arresting him, and this is a case they are definately going to pick up. They are also looking into why the original police force that i reported it to did nothing about it nearly 15 years ago. So things on that front are going well but right now my EMDR sessions are about to come to an end and I don't really have the money to pay for private therapy and I'm not a fan of the local charity service because they use people who aren't properly trained. And my boyfriend doesn't seem to quite get it, he said something (I know he didn't mean to be hurtful) but it felt like he was suggesting that he didn't believe me. I've talked to him since and it seems I've got the wrong end of the stick, but I know he doesn't feel the same way as me - he thinks bad memories should be pushed down and not spoken about, where as I think thats a surefire way to a breakdown. He doesn't know a huge amount about my past really, just the outlines. I need to fill him in at some point but I'm not sure on the best way to do so.... ???
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Still waiting...it's horrible because I feel like everything is in limbo until a court date is set. I'm going back to check restraining orders are still in place from 14 years ago because if he gets bailed then he'll come after me I know that much, but that's all I can do to wait.
  • JamesJames Posts: 1,706 Community Manager
    Hey Miss Riot - thanks for the update. How horrible to still be waiting. It sounds like you're taking a sensible precaution, but it must feel a bit frustrating and scary that there's not much else you can do.

    Keep us posted :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Miss_Riot wrote: »
    Still waiting...it's horrible because I feel like everything is in limbo until a court date is set. I'm going back to check restraining orders are still in place from 14 years ago because if he gets bailed then he'll come after me I know that much, but that's all I can do to wait.

    *hug* *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Miss_Riot wrote: »
    He doesn't know a huge amount about my past really, just the outlines. I need to fill him in at some point but I'm not sure on the best way to do so.... ???

    Hey MissRiot, I just wanted to pick up on this. I don't know if you've heard of Scarleteen, it's a bit like the American verision of TheSite. Unfortunately it's really text heavy but this article on telling a partner about abuse actually has some really sound advice around dealing with people's reactions, being clear about what you need from them in terms of support and how to go about starting the conversation.

    I guess it's also worth thinking about exactly what you want to share with him and doing at a time when you won't be interrupted and you're both feeling at ease in an environment where you feel safe. Is there anything that's worrying you in particular about telling him?

    You can always ask for some advice from our relationships advisers too: http://www.thesite.org/ask-a-question/ask-about-relationships

    I hope you get some news from the police soon too *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If he comes to court with me (he's been told he can get compassionate leave for it for up to 5 days but no more) then I need to tell him everything because I don't want him to be shocked or upset by anything he hears. Right now everything is so up in the air with him moving this weekend and us trying to sort everything out that I'm not sure what to say or when to say it.

    My last EMDR session stepped on some very deep stuff I haven't dealt with yet, and it was so horrific I though I was going to pass out. It was really not good, and I had a good cry when I came home but since I feel like I've just boxed it up, but the box has a slow leak...I need someone to talk to, and right now he's the one person who isn't involved but actually cares and will just hold me whilst I cry even if it's for a couple of hours. But with the move he needs me to be strong so it'll have to be dealt with next weekend. The officer in charge of the case has said that this is her biggest case and they are looking at other possible victims (I'm guessing my cousins mainly) which made me feel sick. There's so many strings to what's going on and watching the news is impossible right now because me and mum are just getting triggered.

    Why have I had to wait 14 years for it to even be looked at by the police???? The fact that they would never listen to me or mum for years hurts. So I'm already starting to worry that all of this May come to nothing...again
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you hadn't done anything about this, then the justice system wouldn't ever have taken things as far as they have managed to. Things have obviously been tough and troubling for you, despite it continuing to be tough, you have done the right thing.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Still having issues trying to find out if there are still restraining orders on him or not. Any ideas how I'd find that out???
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You shouldn't worry about restraining orders. If he is arrested then his bail conditions will prevent him contacting you. If he tries, you would ring the police and they will deal with it. Attempting to get in touch with witnesses- especially to threaten them- could well be seen as "perverting the course of justice", and the police are more likely to pay attention to that than a restraining order.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Arctic Roll - tried to get info from the officer in charge and she's been totally unavailable.

    I spoke to Riotbf about it and he doesn't really seem to understand why I "think about things from the past". He couldn't seem to understand that it's like being surrounded by reminders of something horrible that happened to you and that it keeps coming back to haunt you like you're right back in that moment. He doesn't really get it tbh. That kind of upset me a bit, I'm not letting it mess things up but it made me feel a bit difficult. I get what he means about living in the moment and not trawling through memories but that's what I'm trying to do with mindfulness and I do anything but trawl up the old crap - the EMDR deals with the stuff that's already near the surface and features in flashbacks and nightmares. Not too sure how to go forward with that one. :/
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Finally - he is being arrested on Thursday. I'm hoping we can get a security check and a panic alarm fitted before then - there's a chance he'll come looking for us again.

    Its so hard not being able to talk to people about when they ask me why I'm down - my closest friend and mr riot and my mum know but no one further than that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm glad you've had some news and things are progressing in terms of an arrest. I hope for the sake of you and your mum that a panic alarm can be fitted, I know how crucial agreement to one can be.

    If you need anything don't hesitate in dropping me a message *hug*:heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm sorry to hear that ur going through a bad time miss riot. Not nice for u as being the youngest having all of this going on. Atleast u have got ur mum by ur side and if u don't feel like talking to anyo be then that's understandable.
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