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a mess

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I don't really know where to begin.. For background my brother is 29 and has struggling with his mental illness for around 10 years. He has a history of OCD and currently could be described as having extreme anxiety, severe dyspraxia as well as depression. He lives on his own but relies heavily on my mum for support. Sometimes he is so anxious he has to ring my mum to talk to her whilst going down the stairs in his flat.

Me and my brother have an up and down relationship. I have got really frustrated in the past because I feel he takes advantage of my mum and doesn't try to do much for himself despite insisting on moving out of the area and further away from my mum so she has to travel on the train a lot. But in the past I have supported him; I've dropped everything in order to go see him when he was having a panic attack, I've talked on the phone with him during a panic attack, I've stuck up for him when others don't understand his condition.

Romantically.. if you could call it that he always seems to get a girlfriend. Tell her how amazing she is and then dump her telling us she was 'psycho'. Me and my partner both get that the problem is probably with him and not previous girlfriends because they can't all cuckoo but have been able to be quietly exasperated at this pattern of behaviour that he has with girls.

Now the current situation.. A few months ago he told us he had a girlfriend, a few weeks later he tells me and my mum that this girl is pregnant. My mum's reaction is disappointment because we all know he isn't recovered. He doesn't have a job, doesn't work and is agoraphobic. My reaction is surprise and then 'congratulations'. There isn't anymore I can do right? He asked me to add his now pregnant girlfriend on facebook.. let's call her Amber because she wants to ask me a few questions about the local hospital and what it's like because I gave birth to Baxter there. So we chat a bit online and I say congratulations. It's obvious she's head over heels with him because she keeps telling me.. This is when I find out she has 6 kids already. I'm not a judgemental person but my brother had only mentioned her having one kid who is Baxter's age. It was just a bit of a surprise I guess because she's only 29 too.

Literally the day after I get a text from my brother telling me that this girl made the entire pregnancy up and do delete her on facebook. Hm. Amber messages me on facebook asking me how my brother is because he's blocked her from everything. Apparently they said the usual goodnight in a lovey dovey way.. when she woke up he had deleted and blocked her from everything and she has no idea what she's done. I ring my mum and she is just siding with my brother which is pretty confusing because my mum is a usually sensible person and didn't seem to want to believe that things weren't making sense. I spoke to Amber a little bit more and she insisted that she's pregnant and even said she'd take a pregnancy in front of me if she had to. This is where it gets REALLY Jeremy Kyle by the way. So back to my brother I go.. next line 'It's not mine, she cheated on me with her ex'... my mum is apparently content enough to believe this even though he has changed his story :confused:

I meet up with Amber because at this point I'm feeling pretty bad for her. Everytime I ask my brother further questions he gets defensive and says he doesn't want to talk about it and my mum kept telling me not to push him. Amber tells me that she'll take a DNA test and it's definitely my brother's baby. She also tells me that this isn't the first time that he's dumped her, that he said 'don't worry' about using protection and is just blows hot and cold with her. He's sounding like the biggest dirtbag imaginable and I'm feeling just a tad embarrassed but then of course she says 'she loves him' and would forgive him for everything.

I go back to my mum with this story and she gets defensive as well as arsey at Amber who she has never met because 'what's she playing at? she knows how fertile she is with 6 kids already!'. Yet what is her son/ my brother playing at???:confused:Anywho all hell breaks loose and my mum is still siding with my brother and that we'll see once a DNA test is done on this poor baby. I ring my brother and tell him I don't believe him, that he's changed his story twice now and that he needs to man up and speak to Amber because what else was she supposed to do after finding out he had blocked her from everything?? Of course she was going to contact me on facebook to see what the hell is happening.

My brother is still insistent that the baby isn't his. Cue fireworks from me and... he's blocked me on absolutely everything. There is no way to contact him. My mum said she didn't want to get involved until last night when I spoke to her she said that she'd bring it up with him and of course she wants him to contact me but at the same time doesn't want to push him because he just really isn't well. This is when she tells me about my brother having to ring her just to get down the stairs because of his anxiety and the failure of the mental health team in supporting him. Basically the jist was that she has enough on her plate stress wise and would prefer not to even think about this potential baby right now.. I feel bad for my mum I really do. Her stress levels are high enough but this is still down to my brother and he needs to take responsibility (in my eyes) but my mum says he isn't well enough to..

Ok so today.. she spoke to him and he said that me and him 'rub eachother up the wrong way' and so the blocking continues.. And I guess I'm just supposed to accept I no longer have a brother for however long he decides..?? I know it's a bit babyish to say but it's my birthday next week. He already refused to come to my mums on Christmas day because of this (yeah that's another thing..) so I guess I have to accept this estrangment?? :mad::confused:

Sorry this is all just a big emotional blah. Thanks for reading if you made it through


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Wow that is a bit of a pickle! Not exactly sure what I can say to be helpful, I think leave your brother to it for a while and support amber as much as you feel able. Hopefully your brother will see sense. Plan some other things for your birthday, nice day out with friends. Big love to you :heart:
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Warming up? Posts: 16,688
    As far as I can see you're doing the best you possibly could. Even if Amber is the one lying he's not being very sensible, is he?
    I think you should leave it at that for now. Just make sure he knows (through your mum, probably) that you'll be there if he needs you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks. I agree there isn't anything else I can do. One mild frustration is that Amber and my brother are back on from what she's told me and my brother is appreciative that I offered to go to the scans with her.. Which I did when I thought she'd have no one else to go with.. :rolleyes: I'd be *appreciative* if he'd man up and make an effort to go with her himself. I realise he has anxiety attacks but I know that my mum would go with him if he asked. I even offered myself (through Amber). Now I can't retract my offer to go with Amber because it's unfair on her but I'm kinda annoyed that she seems okay about it all.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She sounds like she needs to grow a spine and your brother needs to pull his socks up. My only suggestion is to just stay out of it, it's their mess so let them lie in it!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ball's in your brother's court now, but best to try and stay out of it as best you can. Amber isn't your concern, nor is your brother and who he chooses to shag.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    True. I just felt that if everyone in our family turned our back on Amber then understandably she'd probably want none of us to see the baby plus I felt particularly shit for her. An update is that he is no longer wanting a DNA test. :rolleyes:

    Biting my tongue against saying 'I told you so' to my mother..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi clementine_the_tangerine,

    It's so hard isn't it, to be in this type of situation. You started being on your brother's side, then because you felt bad for amber and he disappeared, you kind of had to be her support, but now he's fine and happy with her, and you're the one he's mad at. Doesn't seem very fair :no:

    Not sure how your previous experiences usually are with your brother, but maybe he is just trying to blame this on someone, because he's probably a bit lost and overwhlemed about the whole thing. Perhaps he knows this isn't a great idea, and knows you were unsure about it, and thus shutting you out makes the reality of it not real...?
    Has he ever done this before? Does he usually shut people out as a defense mechanism?

    As everyone said, you really did your best, and you were trying to be supportive. Do give him some time and hopefully space can help him realise you are an important part of his life. And that in fact, like you said, being there for her was actually being there for him and the baby. It's very likely that it's actually you who enabled them to be back together, and you who kept this baby part of your family.

    Good luck and do let us know how things go *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks cristele. I felt really good after reading your reply earlier but a new development has happened. Amber text me today to let me know that my brother has gone and done it again- he's deleted her from everything and she has said that was his last c hance and he will not be seeing the baby because he clearly isn't ready to be a dad. She did say that I can still be in the loop and me and my mum can see baby.

    I really do despair of him. I know he has problems but I can't see how any person with a tiny amount of decency could do this to a pregnant girl :eek2: The whole thing is just jaw droppingly bizaare.
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