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Friendship trouble

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm new here but found this forum through googling stuff, basically just needed somewhere to let it all out and hopefully get some advice.

I've fallen in love with my best friend. I'm 20, he's 23. He's like, my life. We met a year and a half ago and work seasonal jobs abroad so while we're home in the winter he lives 200 miles away but I live with him for most of the year. We do everything together, know each other inside out, been on 5 holidays with him, became roommates and eventually started sleeping together. About a year ago we bought a house together in Spain and now talk about business plans for running a b&b. We're "just friends" but now I feel I could never love someone else like I love him.

Found out a few months ago that he's in a secret online relationship with a 14 year old he met where we were working. I told him it's wrong and he should stop, but he didn't and conversations got worse, they send each other very sexual stuff. I've spoken to him, sometimes in rage and disgust and said he can get in serious trouble, it scares him but he still won't stop and it upsets me. He knows its wrong. They only physically met for 1 week so have never had sex (though I think they would if it wasn't for distance) but have been talking online ever since and have been "together" for a year. I don't want him to get in trouble but was urged by a close friend to report it to CEOP as the only way he would stop is to get a scare. They forwarded it to the police, but this was a couple of months ago so pretty sure nothing's happening with that. The main reason I did it was probably jealousy. Sounds silly because of their ages but they say they're "in love" and make future plans together, so I can wave goodbye to any plans I have with him. He tells me he'll never let anything get in the way of our friendship and I'm his best friend, but tbh I feel like I can't be happy knowing what's going on and can't seem to get past it.

I'm also being let down by friends at home and have a close friend who doesn't live near me and she's always a great support but being at home with no-one to chat, laugh and socialise with is driving me crazy!

Sorry for the long message. So, does anyone have any thoughts?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, despite unique circumstances, what it boils down to is that are you in love with a man who is in love with someone else. You let him know of your feelings, but he does not reciprocate so there is nothing you can do except move on. Btw. I don't know where his love is located, but many countries have age of consent limits of fourteen, so the whole "this is so wrong" is a bit subjective.

    He made you a fair offer or being a good friend to you, but if you cannot live with that, there is probably only one solution. Which is, to cut contact and get over him, if this thing is making you so miserable.

    Also, reporting your best friend and "life" to the police, because of jealousy? Come on...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She is from belgium, where the age of consent is 16. Others may disagree but I and the few others I spoke to believe that 14 is too young to be engaging in stuff like that, and especially with someone so much older than you. If they were closer in age it would be another issue.

    I had spoken to a couple of close friends, and online support and they had all told me to report it . It was no easy decision and the thought of it was sickening. At first it wasn't jealousy but simply wanting to protect this girl and him. He gets around quite a lot, and I've never had an issue with that, as much as I'd want to be with him, if he was with someone and I liked her and appreciated their relationship then that would be ok. But in this case I don't think I'll ever be alright with it
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, the sad thing to say is, that it does not matter to him if you agree with his view or not. I guess you are distantly aware of it, but maybe are in denial about it: There is nothing you can do to make him love you. If you can't bear the thought of being only his friend, the only course of action is to break off contact with him I think.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well I've spoken to him about it and it does matter to him. I've said to him before that I would break contact with him because I figured it would happen in the future anyway. Though I was kinda upset and didn't seriously mean it, that upset him and he said he would be fucked without me. I know he thinks a lot of me as a friend, even his dad told me that. I am ok with being just his friend, I'd rather be that than nothing. And as I said, if it was someone else he was with, and it was legal, I would be ok with it.
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    hey rockingrappunzel, cool name - and welcome again :)

    It sounds like you have a pretty intense relationship with this guy and that regardless of where things might go in the future, right now you're struggling to come to terms with the fact he's having a relationship of sorts with a 14 year-old. You took the advice of friends and reported him to CEOP, but you're not convinced this will go anywhere.

    Have you talked to him about the report - is he aware of it? I guess I'm asking because at the heart of any friendship is trust, and if you feel that at this point in your relationship with him you've stepped outside of the friendship and are acting objectively and against his wishes, then it might just be feeling really odd trying to carry on as normal - there's no getting around the fact there has been a significant shift here, regardless of the outcome. You also mention that he pretty much knows what he's doing is wrong, but he can't stop - do you think he would take-up any confidential support to help him get some perspective? You could sign-post him to our expert relationships Q&A if you think it might help him? http://www.thesite.org/ask-a-question/ask-about-relationships

    Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you've acted badly in this scenario - you've done exactly what you felt was right in context and we can't really know enough to say if this young woman is vulnerable or at risk (although there's a strong likelihood she is). However, at this point, you may want to think about whether trying to maintain the same kind of relationship you've previously had with this guy is actually possible.

    This doesn't have to be about forever, it could just be about you putting yourself first and weighing up the pros and cons for yourself in taking a step back. It doesn't have to be saying goodbye to him fully - just maybe having more distance than you do now This could give you the opportunity to explore new friendships and relationships - and also get some perspective.

    On the flipside, you may be struggling to visualise life without this guy - how would you communicate your stepping back to him, how do you fill your time without him, who else is important in your life?

    Another thing to think about is your discussions with him about it - you said you've got quite angry and have communicated your 'disgust'. Do you think he knows your true feelings for him? How do you think he might react? After writing your dilemma out here in full, do you still feel the same way?

    Lots of questions and these are all things we can continue to talk about here, depending on how you feel about the situation and what you're looking for going forwards...

    Hope this helps a little :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for your words Helen.

    No he doesn't know about the report. I couldn't bring myself to tell him, but he's fully aware that he can easily get in trouble and has even told this girl that he's worried about that. I also don't think he would seek any confidential support.

    The main thing is that whatever happens I don't want to lose this guy as a friend, and you're right, I wouldn't really know what to do with myself if he wasn't there. However we are now being separated unintentionally because he didn't get his job back where we were working before, and I did. We don't know why this happened as we were pretty certain we would both get it, but it has happened and he's very angry and upset about it and it means we won't be working together next year. This happened for about 5 months last year and we both found it pretty tough and missed each other. So, who knows what the distance from him will be like this time knowing what I know about him now.

    He kinda knows my feelings, we've even talked about being a couple before but he says he doesn't want to ruin it because we both know what he's like and he doesn't trust himself to be faithful - at least at this age in his life. Which is fair enough, I'm ok with that. He does get around a lot and even though he's with this girl he's been cheating on her like there's no tomorrow. He says he's not ready for a girlfriend, which is perfectly acceptable, yet he has one anyway.

    Sometimes I think I'll just let it go and ignore it, nothing bad has happened with our friendship yet so I'll embrace it if and when it does. But then most of the time I get upset and I think whats the point. Writing it all out did kinda help, I just needed someone to talk to about it because although I talk to my friend about it, I don't want to feel like a burden for her lol
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