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Christmas Complications - Wakeup Sex

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey everyone. I'm usually one to find myself on such sane forums, I usually spend most of my time online in the bowels of the internet, but this afternoon I find myself in a situation that I don't think 4chan will be able to respond to productively.

tl;dr I feel like I inadvertently made my girlfriend feel violated by partially undressing her while she was sleeping to try and wake her up by eating her out. She won't talk to me about it and I feel like the scum of the Earth and I don't know what to do.

So, this story begins Christmas Eve in the afternoon. My girlfriend (who is 19) and I (I'm 20) decided to go out in the evening and just cruise for a bit to get out of the house. Nothing abnormal there. She was pretty tired after a long day at work and I wasn't super alert either, but we decided that we would both stay up and finish wrapping presents and stuffing stockings. I had to anyway, but she told me if she fell asleep to wake her up. Anyway, I got a Facebook message from a distant relative that frazzled me a bit so I decided to go home and talk it out with my parents to see what to do (not relevant to story arc). When we got home I went to chat with my folks and she immediately went up to my room. After a brief conversation I followed her upstairs to find her fast asleep.

As per my instructions, I tried to wake her up. I poked her, moved her around, kissed her a couple times, made noise...nothing worked. She goes on and off from being a heavy sleeper so the lack of response wasn't actually a cause for alarm, but I was fairly determined. The last time I tried and failed to wake her up I had gotten a gentle but genuine telling off from her, so I wanted to wake her up for both of us, not just for me.

After exhausting all the normal measures by which I thought she could be woken, I eventually decided I'd get creative. We had casually discussed waking each other up with oral sex or other sexual shenanigans in the past, but I had never actually woken her up by doing so. Generally in the past she would be at least half awake before I actually did anything sexual with/to her. So, I unbuttoned and systematically removed her pants. This process was quite difficult (tight jeans she wears at work) and the jostling around from my efforts eventually woke her up a little bit. She was awake, but still kind of dazed and experiencing some grouchiness from being disturbed from her nap.

At any rate, her reaction upon becoming vaguely aware of her surroundings was not what I had expected at all. She sort of looked around and mumbled about being cold and wondering where her pants were and such. It was a little bit uncomfortable but not immediately awful; I apologized and after a bit more somewhat awkward cuddling, we got up to do our Christmas errands.

After finishing all that had to be done, we ended up cuddling on a couch downstairs watching the lights on our tree. I still can't remember exactly what she said or even how it came up, but something she said seemed to imply that she had felt a lot more uncomfortable than I had thought about being woken up and discovering that she had been partially undressed. At this point, I felt (and feel) like a total creep. I thought I was doing something kind of fun with/for someone I cared about and now I feel like she felt violated.

It's a horrible feeling. I explained how I was feeling about it because I started freaking out a little bit and she immediately shifted to trying to convince me it wasn't a big deal and I shouldn't worry about it. However, she is notorious for not telling me how she really feels, and I often feel like I have to fill in the blanks myself. I have no idea how good I am at doing so, but I have to try or I would never get any real feedback about anything in our relationship.

In the end, we went upstairs and went to sleep, still in the same bed, but I felt like something was different. I felt like I didn't have permission to touch her in the same way I had before, and I felt horrible. It seemed like she basically felt like she had almost been raped (or at least violated in some way) and the knowledge that I had made her have that experience is still physically sickening to me. She still maintains that it is no big deal when asked directly, but I'm still constantly picking up vibes that something deeper is going on and she isn't comfortable talking to me about it.

I didn't mean to take advantage of her in any way. I don't think that's the kind of person I am. I thought I was maybe taking a little bit of a risk but we had discussed it before and we are very sexually active so I was really caught off guard by the reaction. Nonetheless, the reaction happened and I can't shake the feeling that it is still there and she just won't talk to me about it.

Am I just thinking too much? Did I overstep more boundaries than I thought I did? Should I just swallow my paranoia and take her word for it that she really doesn't mind? I don't know what to do but I don't know if I can live with myself feeling like a rapist who didn't even mean to be one. I have never told her I love her but I absolutely do and the thought of losing her scares me even more than the way I feel about this situation.

Any thoughts or help are more than welcome.

Thanks in advance, and Merry Christmas everyone!

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would just take her word for it. You said you talked about it before, but maybe when it actually happened she did not enjoy it that much and felt weird about it, but she decided not to be mad at you, because it's something you previously considered. You tried to talk it out, she said it's no big deal. The only thing you can really do is let it blow over and not do it again without her explicit consent.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Isn't that a little bit risky though? My worry is that I do that and we go on in a relatively normal way and then somewhere down the line I discover it's a huge deal and it needed some kind of resolution.

    Thanks for the comment though, just hearing anyone else's thoughts on the matter helps.


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  • *Holly**Holly* Moderator Deactivated Posts: 140 Settling in
    Hi anonimoose

    Firstly, it's really positive that you're analysing what you did. This is exactly the sort of thing where it is beneficial to 'overthink' as it seems like - with or without meaning to - you've stumbled into a very grey area that it's important to make black and white.

    You sound very distressed, and it's understandable that you're worried about your girlfriend. However, she is the one this 'happened' to and therefore she will process it in her own time and her feelings are the priority.

    As I said, it's great that you've come here, that you're talking about what happened, and that you're analysing the situation. You probably want reassurance and to know what you did wasn't a terrible thing. Unfortunately, even with the best of intentions, you shouldn't have done what you did. I think you realise that yourself - which is brilliant. But what happened did happen and your girlfriend needs to deal with it. There's a big difference between fantasy and reality. And though you may have discussed giving each other oral when sleeping, that is no green light to actually do that to her. An unconscious person isn't capable of giving consent to a sexual act - despite whether you're already in a sexual relationship and you've discussed such things before. If she's upset, that's a totally normal and appropriate reaction to your behaviour. And - if she's not upset either - that's fine too. It's up to her to decide how she feels and what she thinks as she's the one who had this happen to.

    Try and put yourself in her position. You're the one who did something, while she was asleep, and you've said she said she felt uncomfortable and maybe quite upset. You're now trying to get her to discuss it and get reassurance from her that's it's OK as you're feeling terrible yourself. So she's the one now trying to make 'you' feel better, because she cares for you and doesn't want you to be upset, but she's the one who had this happen to her....

    In terms of what to do from now, I think leaving it be - if you've discussed it a lot already - may be useful short-term action. Then, in the future, if she ever raises it, then you can discuss it further then. If she does bring it up, it would be helpful if you didn't try and justify your actions in any way as that maybe confusing to her. Just listen, hear what her feelings are, and tell her that they're valid.

    Also, as StrubbleS says, don't do it again without her explicit consent.

    I know this is a long response, and maybe not the one you wanted. I'll repeat what I said at the beginning though - it's a really positive thing that you're opening upon here and that you're thinking through what happened. You are welcome anytime in our community and you're welcome to keep posting about this situation where you'll be supported and heard. :)

    I hope you had a good Christmas and take care

    Holly
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Exactly the type of response I wanted. Thanks for taking the time to post it.


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