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First Relationship Worries

Starry nightStarry night Incredible PosterPosts: 674
So this is a kind of rant, because it's about a few things that I feel low about. They are embarrassing but I'm looking for a honest opinion, even if brutal. I know there are far greater issues in the world and this probably sounds pathetic, but I feel really crap and want to try and make this better.Sorry if this is long.
Best friend admitted romantic feelings for me and he and I are taking things slowly and don't want to make it an 'official' relationship for a while, and to keep it quiet anyways. I've never been great with the idea of a relationship and feel very little attraction for people but am trying it out. We live very close to each other and have similar friends. I have feelings for him and he says he loves me(in a different way to anyone else he has met since day one we met) and finds me attractive. But, I sometimes feel too emotionally fragile to deal with the smallest thing which I can twist (or of course it could be real) into a sign he doesn't want me. I'm having counselling for my problems but during the christmas holidays and between sessions it's difficult.

One of the things that eating away at my confidence is that I don't feel sexy at all. He's on anti-depressants and when I give him a hand job he can't feel much, although he can make himself cum. Recently he says this has improved but I still feel like a failure. If it doesn't feel good now, then why should I make a fool out of myself in the future? It's embarrassing. I want him to be happy, but am thinking I should just quit now. He talks about what he finds attractive and that does seem to be the opposite of me. I'm a healthy weight, but he told me (nicely and honestly) that I had put on weight and this made me 'not as attractive.' Also, he told me that he had been way more attracted to other women recently. I'm glad he told me this, it's honesty. Of course, I don't expect him to think I'm the only woman in the world, nor am I good/the best looking. Attraction is a natural instinct, I can't expect him to switch it off. Now, I don't want to be physically close/sexual with him because I feel unattractive.

I can't see why he would want anything to do with me at all, but I know that in thinking this it's a turn off in the first place. Confidence is apparently attractive, but why delude yourself into thinking you're attractive? I feel ridiculous.
I didn't worry about these things but now they are very hurtful and my low mood affects other areas of my life. Before I left for home, he cried because he said he would miss me so much, but most of the time around him I don't feel like the fun, sexy and attractive girl he wants and deserves. I don't know how to be that, but don't think the person I am is good enough anyway. I'm trying to improve and stop thinking negatively but today I saw my best mate who is so happy with her boyfriend, and they clearly deeply love and want each other. I felt so pathetic in comparison.

So, really I am asking is his behavior an obvious sign he doesn't like/love me? Any ideas/advice on what may help any of the issues here? Am I just being way too sensitive?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Starry Night,

    It's understandable that you're feeling the way you are if this is your first relationship. It sounds like you have a lot going on too.

    Do you like him in that way? Do you feel you could like him in that way? Would you rather just be friends? That's completely up to you. Don't feel pressured to do anything, if you don't want to be in a relationship with him then that's absolutely fine.

    I don't think he should be saying some of the thing he has said. You say he told you that you have put on weight and this has made you not as attractive. It's understandable that this has knocked your confidence a little and I don't think he should be telling you that he has found a lot of people to be more attractive than you recently.

    In other ways it's clear he likes you, but I'm not sure if that's enough for you? I know it's hard when you don't feel attractive, or fun, and you say you sometimes feel 'too emotionally fragile to deal with little things'.

    Have you tried talking to him, openly and honestly, about the way you're feeling about all of this?

    It's not all about trying to make him happy, you're the most important person in all of this.

    Hugs, you're not alone *hug*
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear

    Do you like him in that way? Do you feel you could like him in that way? Would you rather just be friends? That's completely up to you. Don't feel pressured to do anything, if you don't want to be in a relationship with him then that's absolutely fine.


    Have you tried talking to him, openly and honestly, about the way you're feeling about all of this?

    It's not all about trying to make him happy, you're the most important person in all of this.

    Hugs, you're not alone *hug*

    ^ this. It sounds like there's quite a lot of emphasis in your thoughts about 'am I good enough for him and does he deserve better' when what's equally important is what you deserve and your needs in the relationship. Sometimes we can skew things in our heads, but keeping a journal of how you feel after you meet, might help you to get some perspective on the balance between feeling good and feeling hurt/undervalued.

    I don't think his behaviour is a sign that he's not into you, it sounds like he really values your company and that you guys generally speaking have a good chemistry. I guess what might be worth thinking about is if there's enough there for a relationship or if you feel that it's putting undue pressure on the pair of you? It might be that he feels strongly about you and wanted to see where things might go on a romantic level, but isn't genuinely ready for a relationship? Sometimes we can think we're ready for one, but selfish urges get in the way and it turns out the timing just isn't there.

    Anyhow, sometimes it can help to think about the sliding scale of happiness when deciding whether or not a relationship is giving you what you need... It's not the best video in the world, but I've found that having an awareness of this can really help get some perspective.

    Really pleased you've felt able to post about this issue, don't be afraid to come back and express more of your thoughts and feelings on it.
  • Starry nightStarry night Incredible Poster Posts: 674
    Thanks for your replies :)

    I do have feelings for him, sometimes I've wanted to say I love him but wouldn't dare make myself feel vulnerable. Sometimes there are some really good times when we're close, although I'm not really attracted to him. Yet, I've never been sexually attracted to anyone. I'm the one reluctant about a relationship, but I'm not sure what are warning signs that things aren't going well and what is just my anxiety/paranoia blurring my vision.
    He says he loves me frequently and he told me those things mentioned in original post because I've wanted us to just be really honest with each other. About being attracted to other people it's that he finds me attractive, but some other people more so, but because he loves me, prefers me. He would rather be with me because loves/wants me rather than someone who is just attractive. He said he loved me because he can be himself around me, that we accept each other and have great chemistry.That's what he said anyway.
    I've thought about keeping it as friends, but it would be very painful and I think I would miss him. I don't want to give in and then undermine my judgement.I told him over xmas to think about all the worst aspects of what we have and to see whether he still thinks it would be worth it. Immediately, he said he is sure that he wants to, but I still told him to think about it. Currently, the great moments are amazing but I feel very fragile because of it, eg. feeling very unsexy and unconfident. I want to speak to my best mate about it, but feel way too embarrassed, I feel that she would feel superior to me. With my mates at home, I was always the single
    /happy and independent one. I feel like I should be a stronger person than this.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Starry,

    It might be worth having a read of this? http://www.asexuality.org/home/general.html#ex1 and this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality it might help explain your lack of sexual attraction, obviously only you know if you want a label/if you fit into the asexual label, but it might help you feel better knowing there are other people who don't experience sexual attraction either. It's a perfectly natural way to feel, and you shouldn't be pressured into performing any sexual acts if you don't want to.

    Also, you deserve to feel confident and happy in a relationship. And he needs to know this. If he is making you feel shit, tell him. If my boyfriend told me he found someone else more attractive I'd be furious, yes it's honesty but there are some things you just keep to yourself! I'd never tell him something like that, because I know it'd upset him and there's no need for it. It doesn't matter how I want him to look, or how he wants me to look it's more important that we are both comfortable in our own skin. The same goes for you and your guy, you are a beautiful young woman. So what if you've "put on a bit of weight" he doesn't need to comment on that, it's not bringing anything to the relationship and it shouldn't matter anyway!

    Hugs to you, always here if you want a chat.
  • Starry nightStarry night Incredible Poster Posts: 674
    Thanks B-A :heart:


    In his defense, I have told him that I'd like him to just say, he says it in a nice way. The attraction to other people thing was because I had asked why he had been a tad distant for a few days (I was worried because he has depression), and he answered that he felt guilty about his attraction for other people, but decided he was happy with me. I can see what you mean though. If it becomes a thing where I have to be some high standard, he can go fuck himself really. He says what he loves about us is that we can be ourselves, so I think he would recognise how hurtful it would be if he wanted me to be different.

    As for asexuality I have always had a suspicion, and I told him this when we were just best mates. He's told me that even if I never loved him/wanted him as much as he says he loves/wants me then it would be alright, as long as there was something there, which I feel there is. I have feelings for him, but there is a sexual disconnect. I'm not turned on by him personally, but the romantic feelings are for him.He's ok taking things slowly.

    What's upsetting me the most is that I don't feel attractive or sexy at all. I know this is my self-esteem issue, but seeing my nearly perfect best mate and boyf hurt me really bad. It's like things could be so much fun, if I was different. I don't how to solve this, but it seems the more I try the more stupid I look.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just in response to your opening post. What you - and everyone for that matter - has to learn (or keep in mind), is that other people see you differently as you see yourself. Commonly the image you have of yourself is worse than others have of you. Now multiply that with whatever kind of issues you are in therapy sessions with and you suddenly think he feigns his attraction for you, which is the death of every relationship. Because not only don't you believe in yourself, you show him that you do not believe in his feelings, which is a very hurtful thing to do. Maybe you cannot see yourself through his eyes, but sometimes you just have to trust someone that this person likes what they see in you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think it might be worth having a read of things like this http://www.thesite.org/mental-health/body-image-and-self-esteem/building-self-esteem-5940.html and this http://www.thesite.org/mental-health/body-image-and-self-esteem/how-can-i-get-more-confidence-6049.html for some tips on building your self esteem.
    I have to say, one thing I have learnt is that you need to be happy in yourself before you can be truly happy in a relationship. Or you end up hanging onto their every word for something to build your confidence, or shatter it, which isn't a healthy way to be :heart:
  • Starry nightStarry night Incredible Poster Posts: 674
    The past few days things had seemed to improve, but the slightest thing has thrown me again. I have an exam and coursework in a week and a half, I can't let silly thoughts get in the way. I've been leaving it for him to speak to me over christmas because I feel too nervous (I know this sounds stupid). He text me and it's shaken me up. I'm a bag of nerves. I feel too fragile for all of this. I know this sounds silly. I'm anxious about going back to uni because he'll be there and I feel so vulnerable.

    Uni feels more like a cage sometimes because of my feelings about him. I am going to book more counselling sessions but that'll take a few weeks. I'm worried about my work and what he''ll say when he comes back.
    Really appreciate your support btw :)
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