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Another moan, may trigger.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I did try really hard to stop myself from posting on here again. Failed. sorry.
I feel so low, I've never felt this bad before. I've hurt myself, cut myself, doesn't feel enough, hasn't helped. I want pain, and blood, and relief.
I feel low a lot of the time but not like this.. I don't know why it's so bad..
Tomorrow I have physio, if I can actually drag myself out of bed to get ready. I don't like physio, it always makes my back worse. Uh, here's my day tomorrow..
I will struggle to actually get out of bed. I wake up early, but then I just lie in bed for ages. I know when I do get up that I'm going to have a 'fat day', I have them everday recently. I feel like every item of clothing I own just makes me look fat and I always end up wearing some really baggy trousers, then I feel manly because all of my clothes are too big for me. I can't win. I will go to physio, feeling like shit and looking like a man. I will do my physio exercises and come out feeling worse because my back pain will be worse. I will get home, come upstairs, and knowing me probably have a moan on here about my back. I will do sod all for the rest of the day and just sit here feeling useless. Maybe have my tv on in the background, or music on my computer, I don't know.
That is how useless I am, how useless my life is. I don't do anthing good, or productive. I am not a nice person, I'm horrible. Why am I here? Seriously? Who would care if I wasn't? Over a month ago I had so many responsibilities, now I have none. I had a boyfriend who I loved. Now I feel like even if I did meet someone else who I would want to be with, they wouldn't want to be with me. I have a horrible past, I have loads of scars on my arms and legs, I have aspergers, I'm ugly, I don't eat.
I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to wake up.
I feel so low, I've never felt this bad before. I've hurt myself, cut myself, doesn't feel enough, hasn't helped. I want pain, and blood, and relief.
I feel low a lot of the time but not like this.. I don't know why it's so bad..
Tomorrow I have physio, if I can actually drag myself out of bed to get ready. I don't like physio, it always makes my back worse. Uh, here's my day tomorrow..
I will struggle to actually get out of bed. I wake up early, but then I just lie in bed for ages. I know when I do get up that I'm going to have a 'fat day', I have them everday recently. I feel like every item of clothing I own just makes me look fat and I always end up wearing some really baggy trousers, then I feel manly because all of my clothes are too big for me. I can't win. I will go to physio, feeling like shit and looking like a man. I will do my physio exercises and come out feeling worse because my back pain will be worse. I will get home, come upstairs, and knowing me probably have a moan on here about my back. I will do sod all for the rest of the day and just sit here feeling useless. Maybe have my tv on in the background, or music on my computer, I don't know.
That is how useless I am, how useless my life is. I don't do anthing good, or productive. I am not a nice person, I'm horrible. Why am I here? Seriously? Who would care if I wasn't? Over a month ago I had so many responsibilities, now I have none. I had a boyfriend who I loved. Now I feel like even if I did meet someone else who I would want to be with, they wouldn't want to be with me. I have a horrible past, I have loads of scars on my arms and legs, I have aspergers, I'm ugly, I don't eat.
I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to wake up.
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Comments
Structure can really help with rough patches like this.making sure you're up and dressed and a tiny bit productive changes your outlook.
My appointment is in 20 minutes and I'm just sat here..
I don't even try..
I want to give up. Sod my useless, horrible self.
My back is killing me. I just want to cry.
back pain is awful, it can be really debilitating. I suffer with scoliosis so I know that myself. are you getting the best you possibly can from the doctors? I see you're having physio, do you follow up the exercises that they give you at home? even if they hurt at first they should hopefully get better with time. I remember I used to hate mine but after a couple of months they strengthened my back and I did see a difference. are you on the best painkillers you can be? I read you have sciatica, most doctors (and the NHS page here http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Sciatica/Pages/Treatment.aspx which I'm sure you've already read) will not recommend lying in bed all day, getting up and about is better to keep it moving. even though I know it can be tempting, especially on cold dark winter days, but lying in bed can often make mine hurt more, even sitting on the couch is better.
it can be hard to feel nice mentally when you're feeing awful physically, so it's important to try and get it sorted a bit.
I feel like hurting myself, and I don't think I can fight the urge.
I had a really good day today, looking after my nephew. Now that I don't have him with me anymore, it's like I realise it's not reality, and really 'reality' is shit. Can't explain what I mean properly. I don't know if I can do this.
There are painters and decorators working on my old house, my ex's house, because he has moved so they're doing it up before they rent. Seeing the painters is just making everything more real again, and it's making me more sad.
Sometimes I wish I could fall to sleep and never wake up. This is one of those times. Not just because of my ex. I just feel so horrible.
Everything is just making me grumpy. My back hurts, so I'm grumpy, then I want to bash the wall to calm myself down.
I must have deserved everything that happened when I was younger, even my ex said I did a few times. I must have deserved to be treated like crap by my ex. I must have deserved to feel this way all of the time. Everything is shit. I am horrible and all I deserve is pain, whether it's physical or emotional. That's all I deserve.
We don't ask to feel low and shit but what we can do is, change the negative thought pattern. You can be happy if YOU want to be. It may take work but if you start from now then anything is possible. You deserve to be happy.
How's your positive jar coming along?
Thanks Sophie, wise words, you deserve to be happy. I hope you're feeling a little better.
How are you feeling now?
I'm just very up and down today.
Why has everything got to be so crap? Hate life sometimes! Feel like necking a load of pills.
Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
I think being up and down throughout the day is worse than just being down. I have about 10 minutes of 'everything is fine' and then I just crash back down again to 'I want pain and blood'. It's horrible!
And I hardly eat, but when I do decide to try and eat I just feel iffy. Feel like I'm going to puke now. Maybe that's a sign.
Wanted to check in to see how you were doing. How was your walk? Sometimes getting out and getting some space can help - even if it is dark and cold while you're doing it. Now you're back, maybe a nice warm cup of tea and curling up somewhere warm?
It sounds like you're going through a really hard patch at the moment with your eating, the physical pain you're in, things with your ex and a really up and down mood. That's a lot to be dealing with - so try to be gentle with yourself. In a way it sounds like you're also angry with yourself that you are not dealing with things better - but that anger adds an extra emotion for you to try and deal with. Don't be cross with yourself for feeling bad.
I know you don't want to go and talk to your GP about the way you're feeling about food and your low mood - but it does sound like that might be the best next step for you - to help you get some more support. Maybe we can help you slowly feel more able to do that? We could start by you explaining what you find hard about the idea of talking to your GP. Maybe we'll have some suggestions that could help it feel easier.
It could be that a step by step approach helps. You feel able to open up here which is fantastic. If you're not ready to go to your GP yet, maybe the next step could be to try some online counselling.
I think that the main thing I'm trying to say is stay strong and don't give up. You're going through a hard time at the moment but it won't last forever and in the future you are likely to feel better in ways that you can't imagine now when you're in the darkness. There are options out there to help you - and even if they feel too hard at the moment, we are here to slowly help them feel easier.
Big hugs *hug*
My walk didn't last that long, about half an hour. I got scared, I always think that what happened when I was younger could happen. I went through the start of the torrs but then cut off up some steps and walked 'round the block. It was good to get some air though, I like the cold air.
I just ran upstairs when I got in, flopped to the floor and cried. I don't even know why. And even though I was home alone I ran upstairs because I didn't feel.. alone? I don't know, I guess upstairs I feel like I can be myself more, my bedroom is my safe place. I did calm down though, then I lay on the sofa and watched a few episodes of 'Miranda', then a bit later I had a mindful cup of tea. I've been up and down since, at the moment I just feel crappy.
What scares me about going to the doctors is aspergers related. I panic even when I have to ring the doctors, then I panic in the waiting room, then when I'm in with the doctor I don't really talk much and just want it to be over. People say that maybe I could write down what I want to say and show it to the doctor but I know I'd just look stupid and feel embarrassed.
I wouldn't even know where to start with online counselling.. I don't know if I'd be brave enough.
Thanks for the hugs *hug*
I'm so tired but I just feel really agitated. I know I'm going to be even more grumpy tomorrow, great.
It's frustrating as hell when you're tired and can't sleep, and even worst when you start getting agitated, you've been going on about Mindfulness a fair bit now, often when are thoughts overwhelm up, or leave us agitated to the point are thoughts of racing, Mindfulness can be very effective in allowing us to calm down, and feel relaxed, for example self soothing. What do you think you could of done to help you sleep last night?
Glad to hear you did some little things to help you get through the evening last night. Miranda is perfect gentle silly television for when you're feeling low. I love her mum the best. Have you read her book 'Is it just me?'- it's actually quite funny.
It's rubbish not sleeping - tiredness and not enough food will all be contributing to making your head feel worse and everything feel impossible. If you can, it would be good to try and have something to eat - something small you really like perhaps? The more nutritious the better - what about toast?
Did you have a look at the article I linked to about online counselling? There's a bit more information about how to access it on there - and remember you can always close your browser at any point if you panic.
Thanks for opening up a bit more about your worries about your GP. It still does sound as though that might be a good option for you, if at all possible. They are often the 'gateway' into a system of support. One thing to remember is that GPs usually want to help and will try and make it easy for you - it's not all completely down to you. If it helps, I wrote stuff down in a (long) letter to my GP when I was at uni and it was the best thing I'd ever done. It means you can just hand it over and let them look at it. You can even say 'I feel a bit stupid doing this but it's the only way I can get everything across'. They won't think you're stupid. Like us, they'll probably think you're really brave for giving it a go. Have you seen Doc Ready?
Do you have anyone who could make an appointment for you or go to the waiting room with you? If not, try writing a script for your appointment phone call and sticking to that. Or perhaps going in and making an appointment face to face then rewarding yourself afterwards.
When you are waiting for your appointment, you could tell the receptionist you get panicky and see if they can help make things easier for you? Or perhaps just plug yourself in to some relaxing music or a podcast and really focus on that?
Just a few thoughts of ways you could try and make it easier. When you're feeling low it is easy to reject everything because your mind is in a really negative place - but perhaps just don't decide one way or they other right now but let the thoughts and ideas sit in your head for a while before you decide.
In the meantime, try and have some food and focus on looking after yourself today. What about a Christmas film like Elf (I still need to watch that!).
You like Miranda too! I love Miranda and Penny, and sometimes Stevie and Clive make me laugh. I have all of the series on DVD, I'm watching series 2 today, I've watched two episodes already. I have read her book, I got it for christmas last year, it's great! I never actually laughed out loud to a book until I read 'is it just me?' My sister borrowed that off me, she hasn't give it back actually. I might ask her for it, and read it again. I'm going seeing Miranda live next year! :hyper: That's something I have to look forward to.
I like toast, it's quite filling though.. I guess I could try if not eating may be making my head feel worse. It worries me though, I feel so fat and I think that anything I eat will just add a load of weight. Sometimes I do try to eat but I just end up feeling sick. I could try.. I'll make some a bit later, when I'm getting the hunger pains I get. Could I cut the crust off though and just eat the middle of the toast? Would that count? I feel like the crust is the most filling bit.
Sorry, I didn't even realise 'online counselling' was underlined! That's how not with it I am. I've just had a look. I like the fact that I wouldn't be face to face and that I could leave at any time if I wanted to.
I guess there's no harm in writing a letter out, and then deciding whether I'd be brave enough to actually give it to my doctor. I've never actually seen the Doc Ready site, I've tried to have a look a few times before and I've just tried again but I can't see anything, most of the screen is just black. My laptop is rubbish.
I don't want to ask mum to make an appointment for me because she'll start asking me a load of questions.
I might watch elf today actually, I do love that film! Fostress, I still can't believe you have never seen it!
Nice one on being so open to some of my suggestions, even if you don't feel up to it right now. Writing something out for your GP seems like a good first step.
I tried to get Elf on Netflix and iTunes but it wasn't available. The world is against me!
Def get the Miranda book back too, thats a good relaxing read
I tried registering on 'living life to the full' and have struggled signing up. I clicked something, and it was like 'no, go here instead' but nothing came up. It was a fail, I tried to do something positive and it failed.
I felt okay, so I thought I would go down for a bit and be social.
I went down and got told that I'm moody and horrible a lot at the moment. Wish I hadn't gone down because my mood has dropped. I really thought I felt okay, so why did I still seem moody?
I try so hard to pretend I'm okay, to pretend I'm happy when most of the time I'm not. It's tiring and draining. I'm sick of pretending now. I'm sick of feeling so crappy all of the time. I seem to be getting worse recently and I can't stand it. I can't cope with all of this. I tried so hard yesterday to fight the bad things.. what was the point?
And I have a headache AGAIN :banghead: