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Rant about my family (mentions abuse)
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I feel a little annoyed about something, which I shall explain towards the end of this thread, so I just wanted to have a big rant and get it all out because I never talk about this stuff anymore and I've never explained the full story on here because it's long.
So, when I was younger I used to go to my nanna's and grandad's house every saturday with my sister. There is nanna and grandad in one house, then about 3 doors down to the right there's my uncle, my aunite, and four of my cousins, then around the corner to the left there's my other uncle, my other auntie, and my other three cousins. My mum, dad, sister and I have always lived about half an hour away from them. Nanna used to pick me and my sister up, we'd arrive, and then we would just go off and play. Of course, we all had our favourites. My sister would stay in the house with 2 of the cousins, then I would go out with 3 of them. The others would just tag along with whoever.
Things started to happen. We were all getting older, and I was 12 when one of my cousins started wanting to.. you know. I won't get into this too much because I'm already starting to get upset. It's like every saturday became an awful routine and every saturday he would.. have sex with me against my will. I'm not going to say the word, I hate that word. I kept getting older, I kept learning more about stuff in high school, I kept wanting to put a stop to this. He started making threats, what would happen and what he would do to other people if I said anything.. So I just kept letting it happen.
I was 17, nearly 18 when it finally stopped. I was hurting myself, and I finally told a teacher about the self harming. Then it went from there really. The self harm got worse, I was depressed, I didn't want to live anymore. I ended up getting referred to CAMHS. My worker was kind, I started trusting her and she would use this soft voice when she knew something was upsetting me. It came out in little bits. I told her someone did something, then I told her he made threats and what they were, then I told her it had been going on for a while, then I told her when it happened. Finally she guessed it was a family member. She got this other guy involved, the Doctor she worked with, because he had prescribed me medicine for my depression but it wasn't working.
And that's when it all kicked off.. The Doctor told my parents. I hadn't told anyone his name so they were trying to guess and then they assumed it was the cousin who is the same age as me (lets call him luke) My parents told my nanna and grandad, my nanna cried. I kept telling my CAMHS worker it wasn't luke but it didn't make a difference. So I finally told her who it was, my parents told my nanna. Do you know what my nanna said? 'Oh right, I didn't think luke would have done that.' That's it, that's all she said..
Anyway, there were a load of arguments in the family. I can't be bothered making up new names for everyone so my uncle (the dad of the cousin who it was) fell out with my mum and said he never wants anything to do with any of us again.. then he told my nanna that she had to choose him or my mum so she chose him. My nanna rang mum crying and said she's so sorry, that he told her to choose and she's choosing him and his family, but she still loves us lot..' And that was it, that's how it was for ages.
I was still feeling depressed, I was feeling guilty because I feel like I caused the arguments, I made everyone fall out and it was my fault my mum didn't have her mum and dad anymore. I should have kept my mouth shut. They all believe him over me. They still do.
Everything died down, nanna got in contact with my mum, I got asked if I wanted nanna and grandad back in our lives. I said yes so that my mum had her parents back.
And now we get to the reason for the rant. They hardly ever come to see us, but then act shocked if we never tell them anything about my nephew or whatever. They never tell us anything. When they do finally decide to come and see us they just drone on about their favourite granddaughter and grandson (two of the children of my other uncles) They turned up this morning, unannounced, and just walked in to our house!!!! Didn't let us know they were coming, didn't knock, they just walked in! Luckily I was still upstairs so I didn't go down until they went home but I was so pissed off! My mum wouldn't even be bothered now if they never came again. They only come when it suits them. They never ask us how we are. They just drone on about their favourite people for an hour and then go. Like nothing happened at all? They even say his name sometimes.. by 'accident' apparently but it's like they don't give a crap at all! Do they honestly think I lied about all of this? Why do they think I lied even though he went to court for doing it to someone else and got a suspended sentence! Even though the social services wanted people to sign something saying he isn't allowed to be on his own with my younger cousins. My nanna refused to sign that too. They don't love me, nanna and grandad. Not one bit. I'm always going to know that.
Sorry for the long rant.
So, when I was younger I used to go to my nanna's and grandad's house every saturday with my sister. There is nanna and grandad in one house, then about 3 doors down to the right there's my uncle, my aunite, and four of my cousins, then around the corner to the left there's my other uncle, my other auntie, and my other three cousins. My mum, dad, sister and I have always lived about half an hour away from them. Nanna used to pick me and my sister up, we'd arrive, and then we would just go off and play. Of course, we all had our favourites. My sister would stay in the house with 2 of the cousins, then I would go out with 3 of them. The others would just tag along with whoever.
Things started to happen. We were all getting older, and I was 12 when one of my cousins started wanting to.. you know. I won't get into this too much because I'm already starting to get upset. It's like every saturday became an awful routine and every saturday he would.. have sex with me against my will. I'm not going to say the word, I hate that word. I kept getting older, I kept learning more about stuff in high school, I kept wanting to put a stop to this. He started making threats, what would happen and what he would do to other people if I said anything.. So I just kept letting it happen.
I was 17, nearly 18 when it finally stopped. I was hurting myself, and I finally told a teacher about the self harming. Then it went from there really. The self harm got worse, I was depressed, I didn't want to live anymore. I ended up getting referred to CAMHS. My worker was kind, I started trusting her and she would use this soft voice when she knew something was upsetting me. It came out in little bits. I told her someone did something, then I told her he made threats and what they were, then I told her it had been going on for a while, then I told her when it happened. Finally she guessed it was a family member. She got this other guy involved, the Doctor she worked with, because he had prescribed me medicine for my depression but it wasn't working.
And that's when it all kicked off.. The Doctor told my parents. I hadn't told anyone his name so they were trying to guess and then they assumed it was the cousin who is the same age as me (lets call him luke) My parents told my nanna and grandad, my nanna cried. I kept telling my CAMHS worker it wasn't luke but it didn't make a difference. So I finally told her who it was, my parents told my nanna. Do you know what my nanna said? 'Oh right, I didn't think luke would have done that.' That's it, that's all she said..
Anyway, there were a load of arguments in the family. I can't be bothered making up new names for everyone so my uncle (the dad of the cousin who it was) fell out with my mum and said he never wants anything to do with any of us again.. then he told my nanna that she had to choose him or my mum so she chose him. My nanna rang mum crying and said she's so sorry, that he told her to choose and she's choosing him and his family, but she still loves us lot..' And that was it, that's how it was for ages.
I was still feeling depressed, I was feeling guilty because I feel like I caused the arguments, I made everyone fall out and it was my fault my mum didn't have her mum and dad anymore. I should have kept my mouth shut. They all believe him over me. They still do.
Everything died down, nanna got in contact with my mum, I got asked if I wanted nanna and grandad back in our lives. I said yes so that my mum had her parents back.
And now we get to the reason for the rant. They hardly ever come to see us, but then act shocked if we never tell them anything about my nephew or whatever. They never tell us anything. When they do finally decide to come and see us they just drone on about their favourite granddaughter and grandson (two of the children of my other uncles) They turned up this morning, unannounced, and just walked in to our house!!!! Didn't let us know they were coming, didn't knock, they just walked in! Luckily I was still upstairs so I didn't go down until they went home but I was so pissed off! My mum wouldn't even be bothered now if they never came again. They only come when it suits them. They never ask us how we are. They just drone on about their favourite people for an hour and then go. Like nothing happened at all? They even say his name sometimes.. by 'accident' apparently but it's like they don't give a crap at all! Do they honestly think I lied about all of this? Why do they think I lied even though he went to court for doing it to someone else and got a suspended sentence! Even though the social services wanted people to sign something saying he isn't allowed to be on his own with my younger cousins. My nanna refused to sign that too. They don't love me, nanna and grandad. Not one bit. I'm always going to know that.
Sorry for the long rant.
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Comments
These two things, they don't match up. You say your mum isn't bothered if she never sees them again, but you feel guilty for telling the truth and making this happen.
The second thing I think is really really really important for you to know, is that this is your cousin's fault. It's his fault. His fault, only his fault. He abused you. He's the fuckup, he's the criminal, he's dangerous, and it's all his fault. You haven't done anything wrong, and it's obvious that your mum and dad believe you and support you.
Thank you.
You've clearly been through so much. You are so strong for getting through this and even though it inevitably continues to be a tough battle to deal with, within yourself and with your family, try to remember that deep down you know the truth, and no one can take that away from you.
It's completely natural for you for feel angry towards the way the family and your grandparents have behaved, and are behaving :mad:
Feel free to rant anytime *hug*
Nanna and grandad just turned up, barged in with a few presents that I don't even want, and started moaning at us about how she misses her granddaughter who she hasn't seen for 2 days. I can't be bothered explaining everything now but it just hurts
When they went, which was about 5 minutes later, I just broke down. Not seen their favourite granddaughter for 2 days so they're really upset.. they hardly ever come to see me and my sister anymore and they don't care one bit, they don't miss us at all.
I never chose to be abused
It's inevitable that after what happens, seeing your grandparents and hearing them talk like this will hurt you. Its not your fault and of course you certainly did not chose abuse, and don't ever deserve it.
How did your mum react? You said sometimes it makes no difference to her if they visit or not, were you able to talk to her about how upset you were?
*hug*
Mum was a little wound up with them, but more trying to tell me that they do care, they're just not the best at showing it. I burst out crying so I had to tell her what was wrong, she agreed that they weren't very nice at all though.
So nanna text mum last night saying they're coming today, I didn't want to see them but thought I would have to as I thought they would already be here whilst I was getting back from physio.
They weren't. No text at all until not long ago, telling us they're going to come tomorrow instead. Mum said she's working at 12 so will have to be fore then, nanna said no then they will come on Friday instead.
My nephew is one tomorrow, your great-grandson is one tomorrow and you're coming after his birthday? The whole point you were coming today is to be in time for his birthday. Why bother!? Anyway, it's not like he knows you or would even recognise you.
To be honest, I wouldn't normally care but he is a gorgeous little boy and it really annoys me that they have seen him only about four times since he was born! Yet they pretend to love him? Why? Bullshit! You don't love me because I clearly fucked up the family, and you don't love the people that side with me.
It fucking hurts
But I have got the most beautiful nephew in the world and I can't wait to spoil him tomorrow on his first birthday. His love means so much more to me than anyone else's, and you're missing out. That's your problem, not mine.
Why am I the person everyone hates? Why am I the person that everyone blames? Why was telling someone about what happened, worse than what happened? I get it, I should have never told anyone. What I don't understand though, why do my grandparents hate me?
I wonder how they would react if they realised they are part of the long list of reasons of why my life is so hard. I don't think they would care. My nephew is keeping me here, that shows how much he means to me because my grandparents and everyone that 'disowned' me, they're all a part of why life is difficult.
I would be happy with even a text, or a phone call, or maybe a visit once a fortnight, but I haven't seen them since before Christmas.
I don't know how to feel anymore.
It's not easy to answer these questions. If you look close enough it's because there is no answer - they have no real/valid/justified reason to "hate" you or to "blame" you or anything else. The fact your mum sometimes agrees with you, and the fact that they even act like this with a cute one year old, shows that this is so much more to do with them and their issues/outlook/insecurities then anything you did.
I know it doesn't make it easier. Sometimes we still rationally know we are "innocent" but it doesn't hurt any less that people we wish cared, don't seem to.
One thing that sometimes can help at times like this, is to remember those that do care, that you love and that love you. Like your nephew
Are you able to speak to people outside your family about your feelings sometimes? Disconnecting and talking to someone outside that family circle (like when you post on here :yes:) can help *hug*
Thank you for your replies.
I don't really talk about this with anyone, apart from on here.
It's grandad's birthday today. I assumed they were going to nip up at some point earlier this week to get the card but they didn't. Mum posted the card the other day and we've not even had a thank you!
I really thought that nanna and grandad were going to come and see us in time for his birthday, which would of hurt because that's what they usually do, basically just using us.. but they haven't even text to say thank you or to even acknowledge the fact we sent a card. I feel like I don't even exist in their world anymore, like I never did, and I think that hurts more.
I'm actually trying so hard not to cry. I wonder if they even understand how much pain they are causing me, on top of the pain and feelings that I have because of what happened.
The least they could is send a simple text, even if it's just 'thanks'.. or is that selfish of me to want? I know this is my fault for ever telling someone about it but.. I don't know how to explain. I'm just going to say it really hurts. That's all I can say.. it just really hurts
You have the cheek to pretend you know him though, to pretend you see him all the time! No, fuck off! You know nothing about him, you have no idea what his personality is like, you have no idea of anything anymore and you don't even fucking care so stop pretending!
He wouldn't recognise you, he doesn't like strangers and he would cry of he saw you now! What does that say to you? Would you care? Would you be hurt? Good! You have missed out, you are missing out and you will always miss out and do you know what? I hope you have even a little bit of a heart to be upset about the fact that 'your' gorgeous and amazing great-grandson would not recognise you and would not like you.
I'm so fucking angry, and hurt, and a little bit shocked that they can act like fuck all has happened! They act like they've always been here, they act like the know us. No! No, no, no! You don't fucking know us anymore and you don't have the right to!
You've not spoken much about your mum, are you close? Did she say much else about the text?
Yeah, that's exactly how it feels. It's horrible.
I guess I'm close to mum. I do have a lot of grumpy times and I'm hidden away in my room a lot but when I'm in an okay mood or when my nephew is here, I'm lovely with everyone else so we do have giggles and stuff.
She didn't say much about the text. She told me, so I just kind of said urgh, then mum said yeah and walked off. I do moan sometimes but I don't give it away that it hurts or that I'm upset.
Seems like so long ago yet it's so fucking raw.
How are you doing? Feel free to have a rant if that would help
I read your rant and can say that I relate a lot but I won't get into that at the moment. What I really wanted to say is that you seem like a very strong person and it was very inspirational to hear that you've got through so much. The people that are in your life and that seem to obviously care like your mum and your little nephew are very lucky to have you in their lives. Keep going lovely lady and keep your head up *hug*
What the fuck?? I don't care whether or not you did forget but I don't think it's very appropriate to tell us you're going with his fucking mum anywhere. Especially when you have literally just asked to come and see my mum.
Another fucking stab in the stomach, a reminder that I did something wrong. I feel like I shouldn't care about them but I do and it fucking hurts. And my parents/sister did absolutely nothing wrong. I hate that I've done this.
You haven't done anything at all, I can promise you that. You are not to blame.
I really just want to say the same as Ella - you can't hold yourself responsible, even though I know that's really easy to say, but not easy to feel.
There are some really helpful replies on here, and I hope that you are ok? It's really hard when people you love and are close to, drop out of you life like that and it's natural to feel like you are and your family are being messed around.
Ranting helps get rid of the stress so please keep using this as an outlet; we're here for you, and will try to help you
Never mind
So, I'm not having this. They can do whatever the fuck they want with me but when they're going to drag other people in that have honestly done absolutely nothing to deserve this then how the fuck am I supposed to be okay with that? I'm not and I do not give a shit about trying to hide that, I will deal with this how I want to and hopefully this fucking twat will get the message once I'm through with giving him some home truths.
Hey butterfly, it sounds like you're filled with anger and frustration around issues in your family and that events of the past are still creeping in to every day life, making things really hard for you to cope with.
You're entitled to feel angry and upset. I'd encourage you not to make any rash decisions whilst your emotions are running high. It's not clear who's contacting who or what it's about but perhaps it could help to write a letter to the person you feel most angry at - get it all out of your system and then take some deep breaths, tear the letter up and see how you feel.
Is there anyone in your family that you feel able to confide in? Someone has told you about these emails, I wonder if you could talk things through with them and let them know just how uncomfortable it's making you feel?
*hug*
I haven't sent the email yet because he keeps using different email addresses to send them from but I think I have the right one plus I don't know exactly what to say. I'll try the letter suggestion for now as well. Thanks.
First of all, my dad's birthday was on Friday, it is now Monday. Secondly, why bother when you're clearly just trying to make it obvious again that you don't give a crap about any of us. I'm guessing you just felt obliged. I'm sorry we're so much hassle.