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Funeral..

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey guys

I found out on sunday I think it was that one of my friends was found dead in his flat. We knew each other well.. I hadn't seen him since me and my ex split up.. he was a mutual friend of ours. I haven't really been out much to see our mutual friends because of all the lies my ex has told.

I'm not really sure how I feel about this guys death.. it's like my head forgets all the important stuff recently and I don't know how to feel.. it has upset me.. I don't know how to describe the way I'm feeling.

The guy I found out off rang me before and told me his funeral is tomorrow and said we're all meeting at the royal oak and then he's going to drive us to the funeral in his car. I have no idea whether I should go or not? I don't even know why.. my head is so messed up and confused and as I'm typing this I'm starting to cry so I'm going to leave it at that now.

Please help me..

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think there are two things to deal with here. First, whether you attend the funeral. Secondly, how you grieve.

    With regard to the funeral I've found instead of a pro/con attitude to decision making, a careful and realistic "what's the worst that could happen" view is more helpful. So, what's the worst if you don't go, and what's the worst if you do?

    Grief is a complicated thing. There's not a right or wrong way to feel about a person's death in my opinion. I've even been told that some professionals don't say "I'm sorry to hear that" anymore in case the person telling them is pleased. So take your time to adsorb the news and don't judge yourself on how you react, especially in these early days.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks fiend..

    I guess worst if I don't go is will I regret not going.. The worst if I do go is what if I all of a sudden pour all of my emotions out? If I was still with my ex we would go together and he'd be there to comfort me.. Hearing about this death is just mixing up all of my emotions and I keep trying to block everything out. I'm really easily set off at funerals.. what if tomorrow is too much to handle? Like all the stress and the crappy feelings and the thoughts of everything just mixes up with the thoughts of the death and the funeral and ahhhh. What if I just have a breakdown?

    I'm so confused and upset at I don't even know what and there's too much in my head :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What do you mean by breakdown in this case? Because I think if you mean have a jolly good cry and then go home then that would be fine.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah bursting into tears. What if I cry, then realise (like usual) I'm crying because of how crap my life is, how crappy I feel. How selfish would that be? At someones funeral.. at a friends funeral. Then what? Just lie to everyone there and pretend to be crying like that because he's dead? that would go down well.. I feel selfish now even thinking like this!!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Everyone does that at a funeral. That's part of grieving.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fiend_85 wrote: »
    Everyone does that at a funeral. That's part of grieving.

    What, cries over their own lives and not the fact it's someones funeral, then lies about it?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes, pretty much. Industry knowledge (my mate the funeral director, and also chaplains/priests).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This doesn't sort out my confused head and I still don't know whether to go.

    Just want everything to be the way it used to be. So much has changed since me and my ex broke up. He's gone, the kids have gone, I never see the mutual friends, one of them just died. What if I went to see him more? What if I could have stopped this?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This is clearly a difficult decision for you and as much as I wish I could tell you the right thing to do, you are the expert on you and only you can decide.

    As Fiend says, I think it's quite common that at a funeral we can end up reflecting on our own lives and grief can become mixed into whatever else you're feeling upset about too. That's okay.

    If you do feel it is going to be too much to bear then you could have your own goodbye in a way that is personal to you?

    Change can be a scary thing but you're doing really well.

    See how you feel this morning and do whatever feels best. *Hugs*

    Sent from my Nexus 4 using Tapatalk
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Jojo :heart:

    I had the worst nights sleep last night. Uh. I haven't been up that long and I already have an overwhelming urge to cry. It's actually hurting a bit trying to hold in the tears. If I'm like this now then what am I going to be like later?

    I don't think I can do this.. that makes me feel more selfish but.. I'm going to do what you suggested and have my own personal goodbye but when I'm not feeling so horrible.

    Ah I need to stop myself from crying now.. not sure if I can even get through today. Last night was horrible and I thought I would wake up at least feeling a little better but no :(

    Thanks again.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It must be a really hard decision. You need to do what is best for you and that is not being selfish as everyone says goodbye in there own ways. Did you look at the links sent in chat last night? Don't beat yourself up for getting upset about it as everyone grieves in their own way.

    I think the idea of doing your own memorial/send off is a really good idea but do agree with you need to feel a bit better first. That way you can take your time without the added stresses of other people being there. *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Lauren..

    I looked at the link fostress sent..

    I feel like I'm not going to feel better. It's like I've hit a new low. I should have died instead.

    I'm not sure how our other friends are going to react when I tell them I'm not going. I feel bad for not wanting to go. I'm sorry, I'm just droning on again.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Butterfly please don't think you should have died instead. It's a horrible situation where unfortunately your friend thought that they had no other way out. It's not that you don't want to go though it's that you don't feel it is good for you. Could you not tell them you have physio or a doctors appointment?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    But I should have died instead.

    They know I don't have an appointment because when he told me about the funeral I said I would go.. I'm just going to ignore my phone and ignore the door.. or is that worse?

    I feel so.. stuck. Just drained. Really drained.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    3 missed calls and a voicemail which I am not even going to listen to yet. I assume they've gone to the church now.. I feel so bad for doing this. I think this proves that I am an awful person.
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