I need some help...

Former Member

Hey guys, I thought this would be the perfect place to get some advice on a situation i am in at the moment.
For the first time in my life i have found a guy that makes me feel comfortable and sexy around him, that i trust 100% despite my rocky past so i could use some help when it comes to having sex for the first time. I'm 20 years old and he doesn't know i'm a virgin as i am too embarrassed to say, he respects the fact that i have wanted him to get to know me first before i give him my body but i'm nervous about having sex for the first time because I know it'll hurt and i don't want to be embarrassed by saying stop. (writing this is very embarrassing!!!) I know that a women's body can expand to accompany any size but I'm scared that my body won't, we've been intimate with each other and i was very tight when things happened I'm not very experienced in the bedroom so if anyone could give me some advice on how to make my first time more comfortable i would be very grateful.
Thanks guys!

Former Member

My first suggestion is to breathe.

You need to be calm and relaxed when anything happens, particularly penetrative, as being tense will only make it hurt.

He sounds like a nice guy so I'd say just go with the flow. I would recommend telling him, but only so he knows that he needs to be a bit more gentle and let you get used to the sensation. I don't know if your hymen is broken or not, but if it's not, you may want to do some mess prevention and again, that's something that will be easier if he's aware.

Do you masturbate or use any toys on yourself? If not, maybe give that a go. Getting used to the feeling of having something inside you can take time, and when you're on your own, you're much more likely to be relaxed.

Mostly though, just enjoy yourself. Penetration isn't always the best part of sex, especially for a woman, and usually I find the foreplay (which I'd recommend lots of, and also lube!) to be much nicer, even when I don't get off. The more fun you're having, the more relaxed you're going to be, and the less it will hurt.

Former Member

First of all I would absolutely recommend telling him. I didnt tell my then boyfriend because i was 17, he was 21, soo much older and cooler to me, what would he possibly want with a virgin, and although it was all fine I wish I had told him. My friend didnt either and lets just say the guy kind of didnt hold back when caught up in the moment, not what you want on your first time! Trust me, he is not going to mind one bit.

Also it sounds like you are already very nervous about it all which is completely normal, but anticipating pain and getting yourself worked up about it will usually make it worse. You'll tense up which hurts alot more. I dont know about anyone else but the times that have hurt for me were because i was all nervous and clenching everything.

Also, if this guys knows you're a virgin he'll understand your nerves and can help with making sure you're as relaxed and comfortable as possible. There is nothing wrong with starting off slowly with some touching at first, then moving on to more, it doesnt have to be full sex straight away. There is also nothing wrong with saying stop at anytime, even if you've already started. If you say it and he doesnt stop, he should be the one that is embarrassed, not you.

Former Member

Thank you for replying to my post, it means a lot. I don't really masturbate or use toys, even when alone i feel tense and awkward. We've started with foreplay and every time i've said stop he's respected my decision fully, i guess relaxation is the key but every time i think about having sex i freak out. I've been attacked by a few men in my life which is the root to my panic and that makes everything harder. I'm really nervous about telling him, i don't think he'll laugh or be funny with me as he knows a lot about my past but i'm 20 and it's a little embarrassing

Former Member

There are other people on here who can probably help you better than I can on your past but as for your age, 20 is not that old. There are some things I only recently did and Im 23.

Former Member

Lube lube lube! When you're ready for sex (and I'm not sure it sounds like you are at the moment) lube can be your best friend. I've had sex with quite a lot of people, and I still use lube otherwise it's uncomfortable. I've been abused, and I assume some of this pain is psychological, but lube really does help me.

On the "ready for sex" thing, don't feel you have to have sex just because he's not a virgin. I think it's important you are comfortable with your own body before you can be comfortable with other people touching you, especially after being assaulted. Maybe buy yourself some new underwear, some lube and some bubble bath. Have a nice bath, shave your legs if that's how you feel happiest, use a face mask if it helps relax you and then when you get out sit in front of the mirror. It might feel a bit weird at first, but sit in front of the mirror and get to know your body. When you feel ready, put a bit of lube on your fingers and just touch around and see what feels good.

Former Member

Thank you for that advice, i'll try the bath and mirror idea as i do need to get to know my own body :thumb: