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Don't know what I am- extreme anxiety
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi everyone,
I'm just new to this forum and was told it was really good for working through these types of issues.
I feel extremely confused over my sexuality, I get these anxious cycles where I fret and worry myself sick over whether I am bisexual, or lesbian when have considered myself straight otherwise. I also just came out of a long term relationship, and this anxiety went away for a good bit but has now returned.
I was exposed to same sex pornography (by accident) at a young age, and I sometimes still get off to it. It's confused me as I do like it, but have never had any relationship-py feelings towards other women, and now I'm analysing whether I check them out, asking myself could I label myself as lesbian and never look at men again, and the thought of doing all that is really scary. I also feel as if porn has done some harm in that when I get myself off, I can't do it without thinking of porn I've watched rather than letting my imagination involve me. I still like straight erotica though, and it's exciting to imagine me being in the lead female characters position and being pursued by some hot guy!
I've always felt a little different from other girls, in that feeling I don't have some allure that they have which attracts nice blokes. But then I feel really comfortable around LGBT folks, but a bit afraid of it going into the romantic areas! Crazy!
Basically, I don't feel like I can do anything normal at the moment without feeling some stab of guilt or worry, and makes me want to avoid sex/relationships altogether. And if what I'm feeling probably means I'm in the closet and will have to be different, will no longer be attracted to the opposite sex, will have been lying to myself all this time. It took a lot for me to admit I didn't love my first boyfriend and terrified this is the same. Has anyone else ever felt this messed up?
:banghead:
I'm just new to this forum and was told it was really good for working through these types of issues.
I feel extremely confused over my sexuality, I get these anxious cycles where I fret and worry myself sick over whether I am bisexual, or lesbian when have considered myself straight otherwise. I also just came out of a long term relationship, and this anxiety went away for a good bit but has now returned.
I was exposed to same sex pornography (by accident) at a young age, and I sometimes still get off to it. It's confused me as I do like it, but have never had any relationship-py feelings towards other women, and now I'm analysing whether I check them out, asking myself could I label myself as lesbian and never look at men again, and the thought of doing all that is really scary. I also feel as if porn has done some harm in that when I get myself off, I can't do it without thinking of porn I've watched rather than letting my imagination involve me. I still like straight erotica though, and it's exciting to imagine me being in the lead female characters position and being pursued by some hot guy!
I've always felt a little different from other girls, in that feeling I don't have some allure that they have which attracts nice blokes. But then I feel really comfortable around LGBT folks, but a bit afraid of it going into the romantic areas! Crazy!
Basically, I don't feel like I can do anything normal at the moment without feeling some stab of guilt or worry, and makes me want to avoid sex/relationships altogether. And if what I'm feeling probably means I'm in the closet and will have to be different, will no longer be attracted to the opposite sex, will have been lying to myself all this time. It took a lot for me to admit I didn't love my first boyfriend and terrified this is the same. Has anyone else ever felt this messed up?
:banghead: 0
Comments
The way I've gotten over it is basically... to decide NOT to label myself.Not restrict myself to one or the other gender or indeed both or all gender identities. I've no clue what I am really in terms of sexuality but it doesn't bother me so much anymore. If I'm one way or the other, I'll find out when I find someone special to me. But not before.
If we fall in love with someone, gender and sex ought not to be an issue (but is because of society's 'norms' which shift CONSTANTLY). If you care for someone, let them know without worrying about what the world around you thinks. Don't let gender or anything related to it hold you back.
I mean, I'm female. Consider myself that mentally and am biologically born that way. But I've never let being female define me. I'm everything I am and just happen to be female. I've taken this thought-pattern and applied it to how I see people. I try to try not to let their gender shape my judgements...
Ugh, this is a mess of thoughts but... yeah. I don't know. Maybe it helps? >.<;
EDIT: Grouped my thoughts.
tl;dr: Don't someone you love pass you by because you're worried about not being 'true' to whatever sexuality you think you might be. Just go with it and enjoy being loved.
It can feel a bit weird sharing your thoughts online, and you're really brave for doing it. Nobody here is going to judge you for what you write or how you sound.
You ask has anyone else ever felt like this? And, I'm sure more TheSiter's will share their thoughts and feelings to confirm this, but basically, yes. Questioning your sexuality and getting anxious about what your sexual thoughts mean is really natural and normal, although knowing that doesn't make it any less scary!
Have you read our Exploring your sexuality article? You may find it helpful, we also have an article about masturbation too. Particularly in regards to watching same-sex porn and worrying about what this means, this crops up so much on TheSite that is one of the main reasons we created these articles. I hope that gives you some comfort.
Do keep posting and let us know how you're getting on.
Bigs hugs *hug*
Holly
Your thoughts are perfectly normal. Believe me.
Yes, I agree with that!
I guess because it's part of who I am and feeling like you don't know or frightened about denying an integral part of myself is horrible.
I've grown up believing sexuality is either one thing or the other. My parents are very clear cut on what they are, so I fear any of my thoughts are denial, and I'm trying to rationalise them like many people would
When you say "one thing or the other" what do you mean by that? Do you mean you have to be male or female, gay or straight etc?
I mean you are either gay or you're straight. My family are not homophobic but believe any curiosity or hovering in between means that you are probably gay and just frightened to come out! Even I'm struggling to convince myself you can have same sex romantic feelings and still be straight.
I've had worries over my sexuality for a number of years (they come and go), even though I've never had a crush on another woman. I've only ever had one relationship, and when I told my parents I might be a bit bi-curious, they said I probably just needed to go out with more people. My mum always shudders and says she could never go out with another woman and knew from a very young age she was straight, which really annoys/offends me for some reason!
A friend of a friend who is now married was once telling a story about how people now said that she was straight because she'd married a man. She said "I'm not heterosexual just because I'm in a committed relationship, it doesn't change my orientation because I'm committed to one person, if anything it makes me bob-sexual" (bob being her husband's name).
It's ok to be bi.
I've actually gone cold turkey on relationships now, just don't look anymore or feel any interest, plus not really over my ex of 3 years.
One of the best nights out I had was in GAY in London, I'm heterosexual. Infact I don't even know why it is necessary to state my sexuality, it doesn't really matter
I'm just so scared and I'm pretty much avoiding anything remotely to do with checking other people out, even avoiding thinking about celebrity crushes, any romantic future. I'm trying to tell myself it's fine if I want to experiment or just see what happens but I feel stuck, and just want to avoid anything romantic completely
I do understand that (I also admire and get on pretty well with most non heterosexual people I've met!). But I'm even trying to make myself more comfortable with the idea of not being straight, but don't want to come out because everyone would expect me to actually be that way! Wanting a same sex partner, what type of girl do you like, and so on.
I'd hate to think all my previous sexual interests and crushes meant nothing, that I'm actually not bothered about men, and even just trying to tell myself it's ok to be somewhere between hetero and curiosity makes me panic, feel sick etc. My mum joked earlier saying this guy on the tv was a nice bit of eye candy for me and I nearly burst out crying, but basically just shrugged it off cos I genuinely couldn't tell if he was cute or not.
I know I sound like a emotional-fireworks-teenager (I'm in my early 20s), it's so ridiculous! My mind says, for goodness sake just come out if it makes you feel better, admit you might subconsciously like women if you have to, do something! Anything to stop feeling this way. But thinking of going down that route seems very narrow, and like I'm leaving behind all previous feelings for something I'm not even sure about.
I know there's no magic solution and "relax" must sound a bit simplistic but it seems like your anxiety is disproportionate. Do you often experience such high levels of anxiety?
I used to get them when I was in my relationship, sometimes over this issue of identity, and other times over whether I actually loved my boyfriend, whom it turned out I didn't. They're like cycles that come and go, and when I relax eventually, everything is normal again and I wonder what on earth I was thinking
I have to say I agree with piccolo and think that if you can "go with the flow" that might help you to figure out more about your identity. If you think you fancy a guy and they feel the same way go for it - just because things haven't worked out in previous relationships with men doesn't mean it will always be the same for someone new. By the same token, if you think you fancy a girl then don't be afraid to explore that - maybe it will feel more natural (or maybe not but at least you'll know).
Sometimes it does feel natural but then I'm not surprised because once you've turned something over in your mind so many times, it will start to feel normal!
I've been telling myself that whatever happens, I should do what makes me happy, there's only one life and doing what you enjoy is no crime. Even my parents have told me to chill and it's my life, I can do what i want.
I guess a root reason is because I am not exactly repulsed by the idea of having physical sexual relations with someone of the same gender (I would read that and think gay), but the idea of being romantic, basically like a hetero couple but both girls makes me uncomfortable. But, I've calmed down and told myself there's no point in worrying about what might happen, being extremely distressed of one possible outcome, cynically doubtful of another, because only time will tell. I do want answers now but I realise that won't happen, and need to learn to control my obsessive behavioural tendencies.
I do hear you don't need to experience an encounter to know what you are, but I have only ever had one relationship, I know very little of what I want in detail, so think I need more regardless. Kiss a lot of frogs.
I was engaged before my break-up, and doing what I thought made me happy, when it turns out it didn't really and I was lying to both of us. That event in my life, and the same sort of behaviour I engaged in, basically worrying I didn't love him which turned out true, I think my sexual orientation must be the same. But realise it may, but may not be as simple as that.
I just hope whatever conclusion I arrive at will be clear and I'll be who I want to be, and happy.