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A thoughts and feelings ramble

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I’m unsure on where this should go so please move if necessary…

Having just sat my retakes for uni and having found myself in very new and challenging situations recently, I have been doing a lot of reflecting and re-evaluating.

Firstly, I am really beginning to learn who my real friends are and this is something I am really struggling with on top of learning just how little I really know about certain “close” family members. I am frustrated by how people can just turn on you and not realise what sort of consequences that has. Also, as I mentioned about my family, I have learnt recently just how manipulative and self-centred people can be. This really winds me up when you think about how much we have lost as a family already.

The second thing is just how angry/disappointed/sad I’m again feeling about my Dad’s death. He was the one main support/encouragement I had during school/college/uni and now he isn’t here, I am finding it really difficult. I’m angry that he isn’t here and I am disappointed…but I’m also angry and disappointed with myself…because I should be independent enough to do it on my own. The time spent waiting for results is daunting and he would have just known the right thing to say and do to make it all ok…he would have made me feel like no matter what happened it didn’t matter because he was proud of me anyway…he stopped my perfectionism/self-doubt/self-criticism from eating me up…but he isn’t here to do that now and I just miss him…a lot…

I feel stuck at the moment between trying to continue my life as it was pre-2012 but wanting to move on/away from the crap post Feb 2012 to start again. But how can I do that when I don’t know what I want anymore? Everything felt simple before. Any new thing wasn’t considered as much of a risk as it is now…now I have no financial security to fall back on should I have ever needed it.

I dread getting up in the mornings because it’s the same old…I am trying my hardest to make an effort to go out with friends more, look for a new job, etc to get me out of this rut but there is only so many times you can hit your head against the next brick wall before enough becomes enough. Every night I go to sleep wondering if tomorrow will be different, believing it will be and doing everything in my power to make it so…but it doesn’t mean anything/it doesn’t change anything…

I’m doing the whole “being kind to myself” thing which again is something I’m not familiar with as I tend to spend most the time beating myself up! I joined the gym again but as a stress relief not a punishment and a good excuse to go swimming more often, I am trying to make sure I have me time for at least 30 mins each day and I am trying not to get mad with myself about being so emotional lately and keep reminding myself its ok not to be ok 24/7.

I think right now I do just miss my Dad and really struggle with this when I feel I really need him…

I don’t actually know what I expect from this post…I just wanted to get it out of my head…

Comments

  • Danny!Danny! Deactivated Posts: 560 Incredible Poster
    Hi WhiteLillies

    Thanks for sharing that with us. It's emotional reading. It does sound like you have a really good grip on what's going on for you though, and what you need.

    I'm really sorry to read about your Dad. You're right about being emotional, it is natural and it is OK. It sounds like he was a really good man, and it's really nice that you have so much good to remember him by.

    I don't have much advice, as you seem to be following it already :) But keep talking to people, and let yourself feel how you feel.

    All the best
    Danny
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