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For those of you who have thought about it and/or have done it...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I feel i need to share my story with people. if i can prevent just one person from doing the unthinkable it will be a post worth sharing.

I have had a girlfriend for five years on and off...we met at a place of work when she was just 18 and i was 21. we hit it off immediately as friends, after a few months we got together. we ended up travelling the world together until that took its toll upon us, arguments and homesickness caused me to break apart and we went our seperate ways. with her returning home and myself staying out travelling.

After a year or so we reconciled. I was going through a rough time...having lost my brothers best friend and close family friend to the war in afghanistan...i was at my lowest ebb when she appeared again. I worked hard at winning her back...her family hated me, her friends hated me. she hated me. But i worked and worked and worked at it until i got her back. I told her about my past misdemeanours and how bad i felt, how i would treat her right and how i would love a final chance. She forgave me and so began the second beginning of a beautiful, much more peaceful relationship.

Only last week I was sat thinking that this is definitely the girl I would love to marry, love to have children grow old together and would die of a broken heart if she ever left this world before me.

Wednesday night just gone i went out with work colleagues...got extremely drunk and ended up back at some random girls place, waking up in the morning to missed calls, texts and facebook messages from my girlfriend wondering where i am, dashing home and sobering up...i felt absolutely horrific with guilt. the next day, today, I had to tell her. I am absolutely devastated, she has called me every name under the sun, called her mum and sisters and best friend. we had a holiday to Ibiza next week...our first real summer holiday together that we were so looking forward to.

I have been battling depression on and off for the last 3years. even now, she has just texted me to say she wants to stay close friends so she can help me through that...what kind of amazing human being have I let go here? I am absolutely mortified at my actions, she deserves the whole world, she is beautiful and kind and compassionate and she was willing to forgive me for breaking it off with her on the other side of the world, and yet because of one stupid night that i cant even remember...it has ruined everything. when i told her and she rang me listening to her crying down the phone, it literally felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest.

This message isn't for sympathy...i am definitely scum, i am a f**king disgusting human being, I have lost everything and now i am at rock bottom. This message is to warn anybody out there who is thinking of ever cheating on their girlfriend/wife/parter never ever ever EVER do it. I do not wish the way i feel, more importantly the way she feels on another human being. If you have a lady who drives you mad, nags you yet can still sit down at the end of the day, keep her, treat her well and cling onto her for dear life.

Because not only have i brought my own world crashing down, I have absolutely destroyed hers.


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi longjohnsilver,

    It sounds like you've been on quite the rollercoaster with this relationship and some of your own demons. I wanted to say first off that you are not scum or "f***ing disgusting". I'm not condoning what you did but i understand and i also know that we all make mistakes. You clearly feel a huge amount of remorse for your actions and i think that shows that you are a good person, you've just taken a few wrong steps.

    I know it feels like the end of the world right now but it's not. It's a cliche i know but time does help and hopefully this will be a good learning experience.

    I think you need some time to yourself to work through some of the depression and find out who you are. Not you as part of a relationship but you as an individual. Some of the parts of your message make me think you've sacrificed finding yourself to fit into a relationship or make other people (her friends & family) happy.

    I wish you all the luck in getting through this and moving on to better things, it will get better.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The one time that I have cheated on anyone, I never intended to. I don't think many people go out intending to cheat on people they care about. But I understand your pain. And like Kat says, it may feel like the end of the world but often these horrible things end up actually working out for the best. I know that how it worked out for me anyway. Most important thing right now is to look after yourself and care for yourself. Whatever it takes, just concentrate on you right now :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks to both of you for your moral support. The message was sent in the immediate aftermath and therefore was slightly raw. As with all things these issues take time to settle in and time to heal. 3/4 days on and we've met up, talked about it, cried, hugged, she's shouted and cried some more. But today we have had a good day. we have managed to spend a day together visiting sites, i found myself unconciously being more gentlemanly paying for meals, fetching sauces from waitresses when there wasn't any mayo...all the these things i should have been doing all along. They may seem like little things but i really do believe that I care for this girl.

    Sometimes it takes something like this to make you realise just how important to you that special somebody is. We are by no means out of the woods...but it is a start, we have many tough months ahead of us. There will be more ups and more downs. Good one day bad the next. But I will not give up until we are happy together and I will sort my other issues out because the end result is a life with her.

    If you are frantically searching these message boards as I did trying to find the correct advice on what to say and do. Speaking from first hand experience. Just tell the person. Be a man/woman and tell them. Tell them how it made you feel. How awful you felt afterwards and expect sh*t...alot of sh*t...alot of crying, alot of anger and alot of questions. you should be open and honest at all times. If it is meant to be it is meant to be. if you're willing to work at it, it will happen. But things like this always end up coming out in the long run and you run the risk of much bigger problems further down the line that are irrepairable.

    For those of you thinking it...don't ever EVER do it. The pain i felt in the immediate after and now will stay with me for the rest of my life and has made me sure never to do it again.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi longjohnsilver,

    Your post is very touching and maturely expressed *hug*
    I'm sure many people are greatful for this advice too so thanks for posting :yes:

    It's true, we all make mistakes - and it really seems like you are trying your best to make it up to her. And as you say, communication here is so important, saying how you feel, listening to what she says etc - that can only make you stronger as couple. And i do hope you manage to get through this. Patience is also the key here.

    On another note, KatCormack correctly mentioned the importance of looking after yourself and your depression. As you say, making yourself better can make the end result with her better too. It's also great she's willing to support you, whether it be only as a friend. Have a look at our section on depression when you can, which could help.

    Good luck and let us know how things go :yes:
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