Unsure what to do

Former Member

So I have this friend... She is sick, I am certain of that much. I am really close with her, but after this one fight we had almost a month back over something totally stupid, but she seemed to feel very attacked by it, I just am completely one hundred percent irritated with her.

Specifically, this is my big issue that I don't know what to do, everything with her is a contest, she has to be the worst off and everything that happens to her is the world's fault. I don't know what to do?

I am highly irritated and even mad at her for this behaviour because what about me? I am the one who struck up the conversation with I need your help because, and suddenly she's talking about how much her life sucks and she's got all these problems that really aren't problems and are easily fixed with a little effort that she doesn't want to put in because she believes the world owes her something.

I have a lot of mental health issues, I have depression, anxiety, panic disorder and OCD my moods are like all over the place all the time and I am an introvert who formerly tried passing as an extrovert. Now I'm on all kinds of drugs to make me normal, and currently I've been on a mood stabilizer for like a week and a bit, but obviously it isn't fully effective yet.

It has gotten to the point I am one of this friend's only resources and the only real social contact she has, but I can't even talk to her anymore without thinking oh no here we go again, and I feel so guilty but I just don't know what to do.

Can anyone help me?

EllaBelle

Former Member

Sorry to hear what ur going threw must be hard for u both have u been to ur jp about ur symptoms they can give u tablets to help u.

here a links u might like to look at and there other ones there u might find useful

http://www.thesite.org/sexandrelationships/familyandfriends/friendships/howtobeagoodmate
http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/anxietyandstress/anxietygettinghelp

Former Member

Yeah, I've got like four different kinds. I'm not sure they don't all overlap. but they make me feel.. slightly more normal. I am finding the hardest part to be that I feel kind of betrayed, because she's supposed to be there unconditionally to help me. not compete against me to have the worst life.

Also, Thanks, that link helps, there's a couple things on there that really spoke to me about this situation.

Former Member

That's good that it make u feel better . Do see a counellor or someone that's will talk to u about ur depression. That might help l. U can do it online or face to face talk about ur problams it might hep may i ask ur age and where shouts u live. U could speak to ur gp to get some counselloring they can refer u for u

http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/depression/feelingsad

http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/depression

Former Member

Former Member

I have all my official diagnoses. Unfortunately SAD isn't one of them. That one is totally easier to treat. Today was a good day though. I got a nice surprise of encouragement from my parents about a couple things and I wasn't so foggy like I usually am.

Former Member

Hey EllaBelle,

Sounds like it's not all going to plan for you at the moment.

The first thing I'd like to address is your own mental health difficulties, and just congratulate you on getting help and recognising that you find things difficult. Recovery can be a long process, but you can recover with the right support.

Now, onto your friend issue. This may not make you feel better to start with, but it's been my experience that most people have a friend a bit like yours, I'm going to call her Danni, because that's what mine was called. Danni always seems to have a story to trump yours and it's frustrating when what you need is a hand, not a competition. The problem is for Danni is that she lacks the social maturity to understand that life isn't always a competition, you don't have to win, and even if you did, sometimes winning isn't what it seems to be.
You say that you're convinced that she's sick as well, which seems plausible, it's not healthy for her to want to compete with you like this, however, if she doesn't know it, she can't get over it.

I never really worked out how to deal with the Danni's of the world, other than to not take them seriously, and not to rely on them too heavily for anything. Which is a shame, it does sound like you really need a friend right now. So do you have any other mates you can talk to?

Former Member

That's good

Former Member

Yeah, I have two other good friends who were there when the initial problem happened, which was more of the same thing as now but I totally just lost it and got upset because I couldn't deal, and it went downhill from there into a full out row. Um I have been talking to them, and I have a professional who I talk to but there is one thing I couldn't tell her yet, because I don't really know what will happen if I do, my parents don't know about it and it is really serious, like legal serious, and I don't want to do the trial thing, too much stress and that won't help my well being. I just want to deal with it and work through it and get better and move on. But it's sort of hard with the insomnia and the nightmares and the just all around horribleness I feel about everything.

I have two really awesome friends who've been here to help me through all of this, and they really understand. I owe them a lot for that. The problem really for me is I'm such a people pleaser. I'd rate myself pretty high on the introvert scale, and then adding trust issues to that, being an extrovert scared the bejesus out of me. but that was what everyone (my family and my teachers at the time, I was like 6 when this started) thought I should be, so I took that to mean, I had to please people, and being social was making everyone else's problems better.

I just can't shake that habit and I don't know why or how or even where to start

Former Member

The most important thing is that you've got some people to talk to. Also, it's pretty normal to completely lose your rag and shout at your friends. Not very nice, but we can't all be nice all the time, I'm not sure it's possible, but I look forward to the day when society is healthy enough for it to be feasible.

Learning to be gently honest with yourself is a good place to start when you need to make a change

Last thing, if something has happened that would result in a criminal trial, then it's worth talking about it in my opinion. I can't comment on the law in canada, but I would have thought they can't force you to testify. I would have also thought that your psychologist would be a good person to talk to. Under usual confidentiality rules they would only break confidentiality if someone is in danger.

Former Member

My psychologist likes to do these "family therapy" things where she brings my mum in and unloads something big with me on her, and it upsets her that I didn't tell her by myself because I was afraid of her reaction. And she gets upset about being put on the spot by it.

And she does it so teenager like, she makes snide comments and stuff at me to let me know she's mad. I just can't deal with that. So I don't want to say anything about it because 1. it was almost 4 years ago, and 2. I don't want to tell my psychologist and then have her say we must tell my mother, and then tell my mother and have this vicious guilt cycle start.

Former Member

I don't think you HAVE to tell anyone anything. However, I find that these abusive events can have massive strangle-holds on our psyche years and years later.

Former Member

I know, I have nightmares a lot about it... I'm managing. I talk to my two good friends about it, I tried talking to this friend I mentioned originally but she brushed it off like it wasn't a big deal now... I just couldn't imagine what kind of courage I would need to tell someone like my parents or my psychologist about it...

Former Member

A lot of courage, but from what you've said it seems like your parents love you and care, so maybe if you talked to them first it would be easier.

Former Member

I think I will if it keeps getting bad currently I haven't heard from the people that hurt me since I left high school I made a point of cutting off contact with all but about 4 people. I went to a really bad school but I just feel disconnected from the situation because I'm not 16 anymore I'm not that same person I've grown up but the past doesn't go away because you got older and you need to deal with things at the stage you're at I just am unsure where I would start if I tell my mum

Former Member

Maybe if you wrote it down first?

Former Member

Yeah, I will try that I have to keep an anxiety diary so I could try writing it in that first and I might try writing a friend who helped back when I was 16 but has since passed away. I write him unsent letters a lot.

Former Member

That's a good start