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trying to figure out an 8 year relationship

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi Everyone,

I am kind of in the same boat as Cora. I have been in an 8 yr relationship and am contemplating leaving. We met when I was 21 and he was 24. At that time I just wanted love. He gave me all the love he had. He told me I was the one and only for him and that he is willing to be my partner forever. In the beginning he was always late, so I told him how much it hurt and he slowly got better.

Flash forward 4 yrs and MY emotional past made me averablly and physically abusive GF to which he restrained me, but after a year of emotionally damaging language and physical altercations he started actively hitting me in response to my ugliness.

I left for 9 months. We came together and I agreed to try very hard to not hit and he agreed to no longer say mean things.

He has been an amazing force in my life, motivating me to do better and believe in my self. The problem is he has had a spotted past with $$. IN the past 8 yrs I have paid out 18,000 dollars worth of expenses for him (car loan, and a few credit card bills). The car loan I helped pay off (10k) because we wanted to buy a house and he needed to fix his credit. He wanted to wait till he was ready; but after a long talk about the market and tax breaks he agreed to fixing his credit and getting a house.

When buying the hosue he said he had 5k, but in the end the funds were not released in time and he paid 0 into our downpayment.

He keeps telling me he is getting better and it is true he has worked on everything I have asked (but I feel these are basics- live off your money and don't ask for mine; be on time; don't tell me to shut the fuck up when angry; don't bottle in/ keep emotions away from me). He has not worked on things I have told him like I would like you to show appreciation for me by planning a small picnic... etc.. something to show he planned and cared.

We are now co owners of a house and engaged. I feel if I marry him he will always expect me to take care of him on some level.

I am now going to China for 12 months for work and would like him to rent out some rooms in our 2300 sqft house so I would not have to pay for the 2k (my part) mortgage per month. He is resistant and says I should pay all that mortgage when Im not living there because I am paying into the equity.

I love to travel and because of helping him I have not been able to do so for quite a while...

Am I crazy to want to leave a man that has been my emotional support because he does not respect or value my $$ contribution? Is it just miscommunication as I did not value his love in the early part of our relationship?

Why is it that the thought of breaking up with a man I never fell head over heels for in the first place is driving me to have anxiety attacks at night....:banghead:

And am I throwing away a nice, honest, sweet man that loves me wholly? Or am I running away from a minipulative gold digger? Is it so wrong to want your man to provide and save a nest egg for the family? I work and want to continue to work but I would like a man that takes these responsibilities seriously.


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    **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    Hey there, sorry it's been a while since you've posted without getting a reply - I hope it helped you to get all your thoughts down - often releasing our feelings and being able to be truly honest about how we feel can be a good way to gain perspective. :)

    Lots of the feelings you're experiencing are natural - anxiety about the thought of leaving even though a big part of you does want to leave, as well as confusion around what is acceptable in a relationship and what isn't.

    It may be that having some distance from the situation gives you even more perspective - even if just for a short while staying with a relative or a close family friend?

    Do you think taking a break might be an option for you? We've got an article on the topic - http://www.thesite.org/sexandrelationships/couples/relationshipissues/takingabreak

    Take care and let us know an update when you can.
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