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Anxiety Disorder/Engagement

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi there,

Old user here who has come back for some help please....

I have been with my OH for 7 years come February, we have been engaged for the past 2 years and living together for 4 years. Things have been great, we have a lovely house and a gorgeous little puppy. Around 6 months ago, my OH was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder, due to stress at work triggering his childhood issues which he has never really coped with or talked about. There has beensome CBT therapy and Psycho therapy in place for him to start in a few weeks, but I am finding it really really difficult and things are taking its toll.

The OH is on sleeping tablets, due to his issues he has been sleeping downstairs alot as he wakes up with recurring nightmares, and when he goes out drinking he sends himself into an oblivion and as he says "he gets a few hours away from it all where he forgets". Obviously this is a disaster as the next few days are horrendous due to the medication he is on, etc.

After a recent stag do , I completely lost it after not being contacted for several days, due to my worry and anger I gave him what for and that I really wasn't as happy as I should be. This obviously worried him and he has been making more of an effort.... but I'm just not sure.

I have recently been chatting with a guy I used to work with, and although I know I am being ridiculous, I feel like I need to have a bit of fun and feeling a bit penned in??? :crazyeyes..... as the past few months have been pretty miserable. He knows I'm not happy, and I'm not sure he is entirely happy really. He's never really been one to convey his emotions and bottles things up inside. He mentioned to me about setting a date for the wedding, and I couldn't answer him..... there was no excitement there! He said things will get back to normal and he will be his normal self once started the therapy, and he can feel himself getting better. I really want to believe him.

I love my OH dearly, and I really want to help him and be there for him but my mind mentally at the moment is just a shed. I dont want to let him down and break his heart, but I am so confused. We share all the same mutual friends, and if anything were to happen it would just be a total mess.

I know only I can decide what is right, so I suppose this is just a bit of a rant really. :banghead:

Thanks xxx

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Captain and welcome back to TheSite :wave:

    It sounds like you and your partner are going through a really tough time at the moment. You say that you love him dearly and want to help him but you're also feeling exhausted by his irratic behaviour and his problems are having an impact in the health of your relationship.

    You also mention he's not one for talking about his emotions and bottles things up - this is a more general issue that over time could affect your relationship and may be a good place to start. That closeness and trust comes from open communication and not having to second guess where someone is at all the time.

    This article on how to have a difficult conversation might have some useful tips that you could think about, it sounds like being able to clear the air and tell him how you feel will help but you also need that openness in return: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/201104/10-ways-make-difficult-conversations-easier

    Have you thought about having some counselling yourself? It sounds like you could benefit from having a non-judgemental space to offload your thoughts and feelings and help to clarify what you really want.

    Any kind of therapy is a journey and it sounds like your partner's issues are quite serious from the past. He's really going to need your support in this journey but you're also deserving of support to manage this.

    As far as this guy you used to work with goes.. it may be a symptom of feeling a bit trapped and frustrated right now or, there might be more to how you're feeling. It can be hard to feel excited about the wedding when things in the present don't feel happy and right and perhaps these chats are a bit of escapism for yourself? How do you feel when you speak to him?

    I'd suggest not doing anything rash but if you do feel you need that independence to help yourself cope with what's happening then what about your interests or hobbies or socialising with friends? Try not to focus all your attention on this guy until your feel clearer about your feelings.

    Letting your partner know you're there for him but you also need some outlet to cope with how this impacts you seems like it might be useful?

    I hope it's helped to write it out, that in itself can be therapeutic so do keep us updated on how things are going *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi and thanks for the reply :)

    We are definitley going through a very rough patch at the moment, I think more on my part to be honest in terms of the relationship as far as I am aware. The issues are definitely having an impact on me, as well as him, of course!

    We both tend to bottle things up, him more particularly, as the issues have only come out these past months and everything seems to have gone down hill. I know the counselling will be a big, big thing for him, and a very difficult process, as you say it is some serious issues he has to deal with and I want to be there to help him as much as I can. I have never thought about counselling before for myself, as not sure what I would even discuss? It's not me with the problems I suppose is the way I have always looked at it? I know he needs my support more than ever now, and I've tried so hard to be tough but I think I am actually quite a weak person when I look back over these few months.

    It is quite exciting speaking with this other person.... but then I think is it just because I am getting a bit of attention, and like you say, am I just feeling frustrated and a bit trapped and again, a form of escapism?

    I dont want to do anything rash but sometimes I do get the feeling that I could just run away from it all for a while, and go and have some fun with other people.. We have been together for a long time, and I cant help but feel like I have missed out on some fun? I'm 25 now. Thinks havent been right for the past 6 months in terms of our "relationship" ... if you get me. I can't help but think is this where things have all gone wrong? But then I look at it from the point of view that we have so many mutual friends, so many upcoming events this year that I couldn't possibly get away from it all without ruining absolutely everything.

    My head is mashed right now. Hopefully I can keep busy and just ride it out and see how things go.......?
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