Home Sex & Relationships
If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨
Options

When you have a different idea of friendship to someone else

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
About 13 months ago, I was diagnosed with Autism and my psychiatrist directed me towards a local support group and told me contact NAS; as he wasn't 100% sure about the details of this group and whether they had moved.

I went along to the group after contacting the branch officer, who explained that the idea of this group is peer-to-peer support and isn't a substitute for counselling, etc.

In November, a lad a year younger than me (M) started there. We got on well together. In January, he joined the Facebook group and added me as a friend.

In April, he moaned because he wouldn't be seeing me for 2 weeks. The date and time the next meeting was, I'd planned to be elsewhere and didn't want to miss my train.

The following week, the branch officer put on the Facebook group that all meetings are cancelled until further. M kicked off about this and demanded to know why. He was told by several people (including me) to leave it. The branch officer's partner explained that she wasn't well and no-one (they have to be CRB checked) can do the meetings due either not being CRB checked or because they have other commitments.

This is where the problems start.

He constantly asked if we could meet up and go for coffee. I told him no. I explained that I have problems with noise and don't want to be in the situation where I have sensory overload (in which I am unable to communicate verbally) in public. It's embarrassing enough when I'm not in public and other people see it. He said it would be fine and he'll make sure it's not too loud. I declined and said there's no way of him knowing when it's going to get loud. (it's not just loud noises that bother me - many "quiet noises" are loud to me)

We had no official group meetings for about a month; but members of the group decided they want to meet up anyway. One time, he asked if I was going and I said I wasn't sure. (partly due to the noise issue and because I have severe photophobia) He asked me a few more times and again, I told him no.

I then asked him to stop contacting me all the time. He said that's what friends do and seemed to imply that I'm a shit friend because I don't do that. (I have friends who I may only talk to a few times a week / month, which we're both happy with) He then said that he's obsessed with me and that this is something I should understand because I have an obsession towards someone else who is Autistic. He doesn't know that situation at all and doesn't know (it's none of his business) that we're happy.

He claimed that he's spoken to his carers and psychiatrist and claims that he's done nothing wrong and I'm in the wrong here.

He then said that him, I, his two carers and the branch officer need to meet up and talk about this. There's nothing to discuss. He then implied that because I never set any boundaries, he can do what he wants. He seems to blame everything on his Autism and Dyspraxia. I will admit to not having a clue what Dyspraxia is, apart from a learning disability of some sort.

He now keeps trying to contact me via another website, despite me telling him that he's not allowed to contact me. He's made a post about this (he hasn't mentioned my name, thankfully) on that website and it seems he's blaming me for his behaviour. I don't see how I've done anything wrong.

I've been advised to email the branch officer about this. She's still not well and someone else is acting on her behalf. He explained this and then said it seems as though M is the one with the problem and that M needs to understand the word no. M also has a habit of blaming his depression / panic attacks on other people if he doesn't get his own way.

There's a meeting on Thursday and I know it's going to be awkward with him. I know I've got to be civil with him. I am tempted to talk to his carer and ask him to speak to M about his behaviour.

Comments

  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey,

    Sorry to hear what ur going threw :(. I think it will be a good thing that u can try and talk talk to someone about this to someone. Its good u had counselloring to. I love my counsellor she is helpful and it helps me with my felling. Rember ur doing a good thing. It dosnt matter what u got things like that u can still talk to anyone about things that ur going threw. Who ever told u both that's its not true at all. He should be blaming u beause of his behaver at all its not ur fault that he got got that. Have u ask weather he could try try talking to someone perfunal to try and help him what going on that might help him. Have u ask hime to come here and get support too that might help him and urself. Have u ask him to go to the GP to ask what support that he could get support.

    Here got some links that u might want to read and show him.

    http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/mentalhealth/anxietyandstress/panicattacks
    http://www.thesite.org/healthandwellbeing/generalhealth/learningdisabilities

    Keep it up.

    Keep us posted and updated :) hugs
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :confused: I'm not getting counselling.

    To my knowledge, he already gets support. And if he doesn't, that's not my problem. I am not helping him sort out support for himself when he treats me like shit and then moans because I won't talk to him.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This is a difficult situation, I would recommend communicating openly with the people who over-see the support group and be crystal clear with "M" about what you are and are not happy with.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Friends right. I ment could he speak to someone like a counsellor. U could get someone to sit down with u and him and talk about it and sort it out that way. Sorry iam hopeless and helping people
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you. When he posted on the website, someone did say that he has to learn that some people don't want to be contacted all the time and that he has to give them space.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Melian wrote: »
    I then asked him to stop contacting me all the time. He said that's what friends do and seemed to imply that I'm a shit friend because I don't do that. (I have friends who I may only talk to a few times a week / month, which we're both happy with) He then said that he's obsessed with me and that this is something I should understand because I have an obsession towards someone else who is Autistic. He doesn't know that situation at all and doesn't know (it's none of his business) that we're happy.

    He claimed that he's spoken to his carers and psychiatrist and claims that he's done nothing wrong and I'm in the wrong here.

    He then said that him, I, his two carers and the branch officer need to meet up and talk about this. There's nothing to discuss. He then implied that because I never set any boundaries, he can do what he wants

    I think that you need to try to think of M's behaviour in terms of his autism, not because it's an excuse for it but because it might help you make more sense of it. remember that for both of you, understanding the mental states of others can be difficult. M might not realise that he is making you uncomfortable, even if you've told him so, because he doesn't feel that way and therefore can't appreciate it. I agree with fiend that clarity is very important here. making yourself very clear might seem like you are being blunt but M might need it putting very simply. you need to explain why you don't want to meet up with him. remember that M might have had difficulty making friends in the past and that when he thought he had made a friend in you he felt that he needed to see you all the time because he hasn't had the same experiences of friendships that you have. again, I'm not saying that this would excuse his behaviour, but it might help you to think more about why he has been acting the way he has been. consider as well that if M hasn't had many friends before, his concept of what it means to be friends might be based on what he's seen on TV or in films, where we are often given the impression that friends spend all of their time together.

    in terms of an obsession, it is quite possible that M will say or do anything to be your friend, so when he says that his carers and doctor have said that he is in the right it is likely to be untrue or a fabrication of the truth. you shouldn't do anything that you don't feel comfortable with, and I would have thought that a meeting with M and his carers would only make matters worse. it would be much better for you to speak to someone more neutral (such as the group leader) privately, explaining your feelings about it all. it would be a real shame if this situation spoiled the group for you. perhaps the group leader could then speak to one of M's carers who can explain your views to him.

    I get the impression (I do apologise if I am wrong) that M is significantly lower functioning than you are. if that is the case then he will struggle with these social matters even more than you do. i think you're handing it in a very sensible way.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    omg hi wrote: »
    in terms of an obsession, it is quite possible that M will say or do anything to be your friend, so when he says that his carers and doctor have said that he is in the right it is likely to be untrue or a fabrication of the truth.

    My dad said the same. I also find it suspicious that he'd somehow managed to meet with both carers and his psychiatrist within half an hour (or maybe less) of me asking him to stop contacting me. Before then, I hadn't actually asked him to stop contacting me. I was a bit worried as to whether I should say anything and wasn't sure whether I was overreacting. I also didn't want to offend him as such. He then got angry and blamed it all on me.
    it would be much better for you to speak to someone more neutral (such as the group leader) privately, explaining your feelings about it all. it would be a real shame if this situation spoiled the group for you. perhaps the group leader could then speak to one of M's carers who can explain your views to him.

    I emailed the group leader and someone else (because she's unwell) replied on her behalf. He said he can get me some advice; but won't identify me if I don't want him to do that. He also thinks M needs to understand the word "no". (and I need to learn to use it)
    I get the impression (I do apologise if I am wrong) that M is significantly lower functioning than you are. if that is the case then he will struggle with these social matters even more than you do. i think you're handing it in a very sensible way.

    Thank you. :) I think (although, it's not something the group discuss as such) he did say that he has an IQ lower than normal, hence his behaviour.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I am really pissed off now:
    We both went along to the meeting. He decided right at the end to pretty much announce that him & I were having issues.

    Old Mad

    It's sod all to do with anyone else.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Several others have complained and he's been removed from the group. He has no way of contacting me now.
Sign In or Register to comment.