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Commitment Issues
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I think I have commitment issues im not sure. Im scared of getting into relationships because im scared it will go all go tits up and i cant stand going through anymore break ups. Im also scared that I'll be with someone and fall for someone else more suited to me and have to leave him.
Ive been thinking about my ex alot. We broke up a few years ago but still friends and we're so well matched to each other, it was the kind of relationship where i could say he was my friend and boyfriend. I want to see him again but im scared of it going wrong, scared we'll break up again, scared i'll fall for someone else and i dont want to hurt him.
At the same time theres another guy i sort of like, i doubt anything will happen, but i just feel like as much as i would love a relationship, i also dont want to be tied down, especially if he ends up being the wrong person.
Ive been thinking about my ex alot. We broke up a few years ago but still friends and we're so well matched to each other, it was the kind of relationship where i could say he was my friend and boyfriend. I want to see him again but im scared of it going wrong, scared we'll break up again, scared i'll fall for someone else and i dont want to hurt him.
At the same time theres another guy i sort of like, i doubt anything will happen, but i just feel like as much as i would love a relationship, i also dont want to be tied down, especially if he ends up being the wrong person.
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This is a really good thread topic - I'm sure there's a few people on TheSite who can identify with this way of feeling and it's good to verbalise some of these thoughts.
Firstly, it sounds like you're possibly feeling quite lonely? The fact you've been thinking about your ex, even though that ship has sailed, suggests thoughts of rekindling because you know there's an attraction there and well, better the devil you know, right? Better to have something than not? (I'm slightly playing devils advocate here)
On a more practical note, if you do feel the pull towards this guy is strong and genuine, it would be important to be really honest about why you broke up in the first place and whether or not you think you'd be able to move on from/rectify/face head on some of those things together.
For example, if you split up because you kept fancying other people and couldn't settle - then try to think about what was missing from the relationship that meant you kept being drawn to others. It's completely normal and natural to have little crushes on others throughout the course of a relationship - but to end up leaving someone every time that happens would mean an endless cycle of feeling unfulfilled in a relationship. Being honest about what you need, what your hopes are for the future and whether or not you think this guy offers that level of compatibility.
In terms of the longer term, if you did decide to give it another shot : you get back together and all is exciting and fun...then a few months down the line you start to lose that honeymoon glow and wonder if there's something better out there. On the one hand you could look to the latest guy who has been showing you attention and is a bit different to your current guy, or you could think, you know what, maybe I need to do something for myself, have a few days away from this dude and then come back looking forward to seeing him - remembering why I'm with him in the first place. I'm not saying this, specifically, is the answer - it's just an example that shows sometimes we lose perspective/take people for granted/find it difficult to balance the traits a partner has with those they don't.
Finally, you talk about exploring things with other guys - and the fear of being tied down. Remember that seeing someone, going out a few times, getting to know each other better - that doesn't automatically equal relationship. If anything, the healthier option right now could well be doing just that - taking things really slowly, hanging out and seeing what comes of it
Sorry it isn't much useful!
Most of the time im happy single so it certainly isnt a case of going out with someone for the sake of it. I do think about my ex all the time and loved the relationship we had (if its any help we broke up because i moved home from uni, he didnt have a car and it was just too far for for us to cope. we're still the same distance apart but he has shown interest in us meeting up before).
im scared of problems, im scared of it all not being perfect and i'll get bored and look for someone else. i cant stand the thought of being tied down in a relationship where a part of it makes you unhappy. i.e. with my ex, loveliest guy youll ever meet, not bad looking but i didnt really fancy him as in if i saw him out i probably wouldnt give him a second look, and the sex wasnt great either, which for me if one of the reasons i dont want to go there again. then again i feel like that shouldnt really be an issue, bearing in mind this was... 3/4 years ago so things may have changed. like i said i dont want to hurt him should i decide to ask him out, then it will be me to break it off because im unhappy with something
Hey, sorry I only just saw that you got back to us with this one...would have been a good one to raise in the relationships boards chat the other day
It sounds like you're feeling quite conflicted, on the one hand you really loved the relationship, on the other you're worried about your ability to manage problems and the impact of this on how you feel about life in general - is that right?
Are there relationships you've been around you where things aren't perfect but you can really see the benefits for those people of being in a relationship? It can be hard to accept that a relationship will never be perfect, but often people take strength from growing together and learning along how to work together as a team. If there are relationships you've observed that are seemingly 'perfect' then maybe have a chat with the person you're closest to in the partnership and see if you can find out what some of their struggles are and how they manage them? (trust me - there will be some!)
In terms of the sex not being good - did you ever talk about it? Improving your sex life is often about communication - verbal or non-verbal and there's no reason why things have to stay less than 'great'. Were there specifics you can identify that you'd have liked to improve? If you're able to know for yourself how you'd like things to be better - then that's a great step in the right direction. I also agree that things do change on that front - particularly if you've both had experiences since!
Anyhow, it sounds like you might benefit from thinking a bit more about the sliding scale of happiness in relationships. While I'm not a massive fan of the animation in this video - what it's saying is pretty solid