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Ramble thread about feelings

*BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical PosterPosts: 5,426 Part of The Furniture
I wasn't going to start a thread but it was suggested in support chat. New profile, new start type of thing. I am still feeling really paranoid about posting, but I thought if I can post one thread about how I am feeling then it could help me slowly feel less paranoid.

Things haven't been to good recently. I have refused all support, because I have a fear of what is going to happen, I can't face going back to my gp. I know it sounds really stupid. Physically my body is just screwing up.

I feel really alone, I just don't know what the point in trying is anymore. I have things to look forward too but it's not working anymore.

I know I am selfish, cos I know there are people who want the support but can't get it, and I am refusing it. This makes me a horrible person right?

I just wish I could feel better, and feel okay again. But then I think do I want to get truefully get better, and I don't know if I do. I am getting good at pretending everything is fine, with people I know. I know that in the long run it wont help but at the minute, it does. I feel safe, not having people know what is going on, that way they can't judge me or tell me what I NEED to do.

I am so confused about so much at the minute. I don't know what to do.
" And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
" So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
'' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Heyy

    Ur not selfish at all. U done the right thing by posting on here. We are here for u. Sorry that u are going tho a lot at the moment. Have u tried writing it down and handing to the person behind the desk and ask to pass it over to a doctor that u trust. Nothing ur fault

    Have u tried speakin to the samatians about how u feeling

    http://www.samaritans.org/

    Hugs from me to u
    Keep us posted
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,426 Part of The Furniture
    Thank you for your reply. Never thought about doing that. I dont feel ready to go to my gp, and even if I did that I would have to talk to somebody eventually. That is what worries me.

    Yeah texted Sams quite a lot but feel like I cant text them at the minute. I am just over thinking.

    Had crap night and did something I shouldn't of done. Oh wells life goes on I guess. :(

    I need to try and focus on my physical health too. But its too hard at the minute. :/

    Sent from my GT-S5830 using Tapatalk 2
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Good on ya :D
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The thing about counselling, is it only works when you're ready for it to work, As you're saying "I don't want it" it proves that right now you don't need it, and if you went into a room and sat down with a counsellor, from personal experience when I wasn't ready for counselling, I just shrugged my way through what the counsellor was trying to say, and when she asked me about what was going on, I'd quickly say something really fast and it was never anything, then she'd ask me to repeat myself so she could hear what I'd said. And I'd say "I don't know" everytime she asked me a question I'd inform her "I don't know" and it just wasn't working. I'd constantly say things like "Oh look its snowing" when she was trying to ask me about things and I'd lie,she once asked me if I'd ever thought of suicide to which I said "Nope, Never" which is an obvious lie.

    There will come a time, When you realise that you are ready for it, and you need it, I know that seems impossible right now, and like I'm saying something really stupid, but one time, and it may not be for a long time. You'll need someone, who you can just sit in a room for and tell them everything, the ups, the downs, everything. Then you'll walk away and think "Hang on, that wasn't so hard". Its just like having a walking diary really, they spend so long at uni, to find the best ways to help/support you.

    If you don't feel like going to your GP, and I know its a scary thing to do but a really brave thing, i always feel like "how can a gp help with whats going on inside my head?. they're there for people who are sick". Could someone go with you?. Maybe right things down, I don't mind coming with you If you'd like me to, for support. I know it helped me when my friend Nina came with me. They can also talk for you a little, and say what they've noticed you're like ect.

    Hope this helps. Keep holding on.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey,
    I understand what you mean, I feel like I have to just pretend everythings fine to the people around me to. The trouble with that is that it all builds up and actually become worse in the end.
    And you are definately not selfish, help is there to help, not to make things worse so it isnt bad if you dont want to take it.
    I think you are being really strong and I hope you feel better soon xx
    Stacey
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Banana Monkey :)

    You are in no way a horrible person! I have support in place, but just throw it back in their faces. It seems to me that you do need the support, but there is a barrier within you, which is stopping you from accepting it? It might be worth going back to your GP and explaining that you could do with some support (if you think that's what you need) but have some conflicting feelings around accessing it? They might be able to work with you to come up with something that you feel comfortable with. Do you think it's worth a try?

    I totally understand that you feel safer when people don't know exactly what's going on, because that means that you have complete control over your situation. The way I feel when I am talking to my care team about things that are affecting me, is I am handing over a little bit of my control and they might abuse that control (that's how I feel about it anyway).
    Another issue may be that if you do speak out to someone and you're scared in case it doesn't help? That's a pretty common fear I have.

    Anyway stay safe and pm me if you need to xxx
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,426 Part of The Furniture
    Just want to say thank you so much for all your replies. I will reply properly when I get home. Its hard on my phone. But I really appriciate all your lovely and supportive responses. :)


    Sent from my GT-S5830 using Tapatalk 2
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,426 Part of The Furniture
    I have had counseling in the past and I think that is why I am so hesitant to go for it again, cos I have had bad experiences in the past. I couldn't deal with sitting down and talking about things that I really wasn't comfortable talking about. You make a lot of sense to me, and I understand what you are saying it has helped.

    I just can't face going to my doctors, I don't know if I will be able to just take that step. I am scared. Which I know sounds silly, but I can't do this anymore. I keep holding on and getting through the days, and nights pretending I am fine. But I am not. I know that it's my own fault cos I could have support if I wanted it, but I don't know anymore.

    Even if I did go to the doctors, I have nobody to come with me. Everyone just thinks I am fine. Thanks Em.

    Thanks Ellie. I just feel really scared about going to my doctors. I don't know why. I am an adult I should be able to deal with this. But I can't. I do feel safe with people not knowing things, it's better that way. Yeah I guess I have told people things in the past and they have reacted badly and now I don't want to say anything.

    Thank you for your great responses they have helped me so much today.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,426 Part of The Furniture
    I can't do this anymore. :'(
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,426 Part of The Furniture
    Just feel really low right now. Feel like nobody wants to know me. Feeling really paranoid and I have to be up for work in like 7 hours. And the thought of sleep frightens me. :'( I just dont feel like I can carry on anymore... It sucks. Bad thoughts. :(

    Sent from my GT-S5830 using Tapatalk 2
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,426 Part of The Furniture
    :'( another night of hardly any sleep and thinking a bit to much.

    Sent from my GT-S5830 using Tapatalk 2
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey there :wave:

    Do you know what it is about sleep that you're finding frightening at the moment? Lack of sleep can have a real knock on effect and it's likely to be affecting your moods too so it seems like a good place to start getting things back on track maybe? Can you remember a time when you were sleeping a bit better? Do you know what was different then and are there things you could try and change?

    New bed sheets, tidying your room and making your bedroom a really cosy haven can help as well as turning your phone or computer off after say 10pm and listening to some relaxing music, reading a book or having a bath.. getting into a night time routine... do you think you could give it a try? You could get a night light too if you prefer not to sleep in the total dark?

    You've talked a lot about being scared of going back to the doctor's but you're not sure why and it's holding you back. Is it that you feel you 'should' be okay, or perhaps that they gave you a referral before and you didn't take it, maybe you feel a bit embarrassed? Whatever it is, doctors have almost always experienced it before - they're there to help and they will just be glad that you're back through the door :)

    Big hugs, keep posting *hug*
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,426 Part of The Furniture
    Jo7 wrote: »
    Hey there :wave:

    Do you know what it is about sleep that you're finding frightening at the moment? Lack of sleep can have a real knock on effect and it's likely to be affecting your moods too so it seems like a good place to start getting things back on track maybe? Can you remember a time when you were sleeping a bit better? Do you know what was different then and are there things you could try and change?

    New bed sheets, tidying your room and making your bedroom a really cosy haven can help as well as turning your phone or computer off after say 10pm and listening to some relaxing music, reading a book or having a bath.. getting into a night time routine... do you think you could give it a try? You could get a night light too if you prefer not to sleep in the total dark?

    You've talked a lot about being scared of going back to the doctor's but you're not sure why and it's holding you back. Is it that you feel you 'should' be okay, or perhaps that they gave you a referral before and you didn't take it, maybe you feel a bit embarrassed? Whatever it is, doctors have almost always experienced it before - they're there to help and they will just be glad that you're back through the door :)

    Big hugs, keep posting *hug*

    I dont know exactly. Just fed up of everything. Im running on empty. Only just coping with work. The thing is with sleep I go through stages where I will sleep really well and then for months I will hardly sleep. I love new bedding, and I like to keep my room tidy cos I thought that would help.

    Yeah I will try and get into a better routine. At night. But the thing is I go to sleep with my tv set as a timer cos Im not a fan of darkness and silence.

    Yeah I dont know about the doctors. Feeling all meh about that. I know its silly cos I have been before and I know I can do it.

    Thanks for the reply. :)

    Sent from my GT-S5830 using Tapatalk 2
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,426 Part of The Furniture
    I really hope I sleep tonight. Feeling bit rubbish. But heyhum!! :(

    Sent from my GT-S5830 using Tapatalk 2
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,426 Part of The Furniture
    I can't deal with these thoughts feelings anymore :'(
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey BananaMonkey

    Sorry that you're still struggling. How are things today? Do you want to tell us a bit more about these thoughts?

    Spanner :heart:
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,426 Part of The Furniture
    I am okay. Work is a distraction but my mood can change really fast. And this evening ill prob notice that change. :'(


    Sent from my GT-S5830 using Tapatalk 2
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You said in chat on Wednesday that you'd tried some of the sleeping advice and managed to get a good 5/6 hours.. that's great :) Do you think you could try that again tonight?

    Also, how about making a plan for after work - you could give yourself a treat for making it through another busy week! Your favourite dinner or rent a funny movie?

    I remember you also told us that one of your children at work said you were a superstar :d You should be proud of how well you're doing at your job even when things in your head feel fuzzy.

    Have you got much planned for the weekend?

    *hug*
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,426 Part of The Furniture
    Yeah will try. :) I know work is fine. I booked a full week off but I am worried with not being distracted.

    Weekend seeing friends :)

    Thanks Jo

    Sent from my GT-S5830 using Tapatalk 2
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,426 Part of The Furniture
    Everyone is pressuring me to go to the doctors, they don't understand my reasons as to why I can't go :'(

    I can't deal with anything anymore.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,426 Part of The Furniture
    Feeling really spaced out. And on a major come down from being so hyper earlier. But cant sleep cos of all the energy drink. :'(

    Sent from my GT-S5830 using Tapatalk 2
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • AuroraAurora Part of the furniture Posts: 11,720 An Original Mixlorian
    Hey Claire,

    Going to the Doctors is a very difficult thing, especially if you've had unsuccessful experiences with them in the past which haven't been beneficial. But I guess it's about weighing out the pros from the cons, and looking in to the positives that visiting your GP will actually bring, rather than the downfalls to it. Because reading your thread even though everyone's suggested it, it would be very beneficial on your behalf to just reach out to someone offline and sort some real support out for yourself, I haven't been keeping up with your threads sorry, but you recently gave CBT a go, right? How did that go?

    I often find myself drinking energy drinks when I'm on a hype and really need that upbeat mood booster to keep myself going, it's strange, but I've found turning to energy drinks more beneficial than feeling miserable, but I guess it's about balancing how must you actually drink, and finding a way to keep your moods level rather than crashing down all at once, this is something else you could talk to your GP about to :)

    Best wishes,
    Angel

    Best wishes,
    Angel
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,426 Part of The Furniture
    I cant :'(

    Erm I didnt try cbt. Another thing I refused. I am such an idiot.

    I feel so rough today. Not much sleep. Off to work. I just have to get through this week. No work next week. Just first aid on saturday.

    I am okay living in a bubble of denial. Meh. :/

    Sent from my GT-S5830 using Tapatalk 2
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • AuroraAurora Part of the furniture Posts: 11,720 An Original Mixlorian
    Hey Claire,

    Getting the option of even having CBT their is a very brave step, well-done! - I known many people who have turned down the CBT offer, and sometimes people are ready for it, and sometimespeople aren't ready for it, only you'll know whether you are ready for it or not though.

    Therapy will only work if you're committed to it, if you really do want to do it or really want to recover, CBT is about making irrational through rational. Was their a reason you refused CBT as a therapy?

    Best wishes,
    Angel
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,426 Part of The Furniture
    Yeah I understand what your saying. I am struggling to make sense of how I am feeling at the minute. I don't know what to do.

    I wasnt ready to accept the support. I still aint ready. :( I am stupid tho cos there are people who want the support but cant get it. That makes me selfish. :/:(

    Sent from my GT-S5830 using Tapatalk 2
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I wasnt ready to accept the support. I still aint ready. :( I am stupid tho cos there are people who want the support but cant get it. That makes me selfish. :/:(

    Sent from my GT-S5830 using Tapatalk 2

    What you've said here is really important. It's not stupid refusing it, I think you know you want help (correct me if I'm wrong) but you're aware that now isn't the time. You're showing awareness of yourself and your feelings, that isn't stupid at all.

    At some point, you'll hopefully feel more ready to explore these feelings. Delving into stuff when you're not ready will do more harm than good and could set you back, and could leave you feeling resentful of future help.

    When you're ready cant be predicted, it's different for everyone. You're an individual, whilst I think that talking is important, it cannot and must not be forced, it is down to you.

    Lots of love x
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,426 Part of The Furniture
    Thanks Ella.

    I just feel under pressure to go, I wish I could just accept the support, and get better but I can't :( I don't even know what is holding me back anymore, I can't make sense of anything. I lied and said I was gonna go to the doctors to my sister, cos she wants me to go, and I know lying is bad, but she doesn't understand why I can't :'(

    I feel like I am just carrying on, cos I have to, I have to go to work, I feel not with it half the time. I am just getting on with things, and hiding how I am feeling until things get bad(with s/h) I don't think I am ever going to be okay.

    Feel pretty alone most of the time..
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Ella.

    I just feel under pressure to go, I wish I could just accept the support, and get better but I can't :( I don't even know what is holding me back anymore, I can't make sense of anything. I lied and said I was gonna go to the doctors to my sister, cos she wants me to go, and I know lying is bad, but she doesn't understand why I can't :'(

    Don't write getting help off, like I said, just because now isn't the time doesn't mean that a few months or years down the line you won't feel more ready.

    It's unrealistic to click your fingers and be like, right now I shall get help and now I shall be cured. It's small steps, you might not see it, but you are making those steps.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,426 Part of The Furniture
    Hmm. I don't feel like I am making any steps to get better, and according to my family, I don't want the help anyway.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,426 Part of The Furniture
    I really don't know what to do anymore. I want to get help, but I can't and I don't feel ready but things are really bad, and I just feel like nobody wants to know me anymore cos I am selfish for not getting that support. I don't know what to do. I am giving up slowly. It is all my fault, I should just go to the doctors, I am making a big issue out of something that doesn't need it. :(

    I don't know. :/
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
This discussion has been closed.