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Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Suicide

I want to die. Nobody likes me, I'm a burden to all of those around me.
My boyfriend wants to leave me because he can't cope with me. Nobody can cope with me.

I don't deserve help, I don't deserve people to like me. I'm horrible to be around. I've said it before, but I mean it now more than ever. I can't stand to be around any longer. I'm sticking around because I want to get it right.

I don't know what more to say. Nothing anyone can say will make a difference.
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey yellow!

    Nothing I say or do will change the past but, I really wish I could take back the harsh words I said to you. They weren't even said intentionally but, I just blurted out in anger but, that doesn't make it right so, I apologize to you for the same.

    You're not horrible and everybody likes you a lot. You deserve way too much, you've been amazing to everyone here and you're such a kind and supportive member of this community. Please don't think otherwise.

    P.S: You've been so, awesome to me and I won't ever forget that.

    *hug*

    xx sam
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sam, it's ok, thank you.

    I have this constant ache inside, I don't want to endure this anymore :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey YSH, sorry to read you are feeling so bad.

    From your post it seems you are struggling with a lot of negative feelings right now such as: 'No one likes me.'

    When you are feeling this way, these feelings can sometimes feel overwhelming. But remember that in time your feelings will pass. The way you feel now is just a reflection on your situation and how you feel in your mind. But feelings and beliefs are not facts and can change, so try not to act on what is a temporary feeling, but stick to the facts you know.

    It maybe worth writing out some positive facts and differentiate them from you're feelings. An example may be:
    I have done well to get into university.
    I have people who care about me.

    It may help you put things into perspective if you write it down, I hope I made sense?

    Take care *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    They can change, and it could be 'temporary', but I don't really care. It's been going on for long enough and it hasn't changed.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes it has. It comes and goes and there are ups and downs.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Even if I had double the amount of ups, the downs would still not be worth it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There is nowhere for me to turn.

    I tell my CBT therapist how bad I've been feeling -> I break the no-harm contract -> I get discharged.

    I tell my GP how bad I'm feeling -> I get the usual 'there's nothing more we can do', or at best a referral to the CMHT -> CMHT will refuse my referral because they think I'm too low risk or they'll accept my referral -> then won't do anything because I'm not ill enough.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    And I'm not 11, 14, or even 18 anymore. This has only got worse, I'm not growing out of anything.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Boyfriend has dumped me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hate to be the one to break it to you.

    You've got a hell of a lot of growing up still to do. I know I've still got lots to do, and I also know how much my life has completely changed in the last 5 years.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I wasn't saying I wasn't going to be doing any more growing up.

    I'm so done with this. All of this just proves how people can't stand to be around me. I need to find a fucking place to go and then I'll go.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    -Boyfriend called me up to dump me
    -I asked him to come round here to do the right thing and talk face to face
    -I decided I can't cope with seeing him, so ask him not come and if he does come I won't be here.
    -He calls the police and they come round my house :(
    -He now won't talk to me - hasn't even given me a reason for breaking up with me. I should have never asked him to come round, and just listened to the reasons on the phone. :no:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He pretty much said that it's because I'm ill and too much to cope with.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Lots of *hug* and :heart: to you. We're all here for you. Please take care.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *hug* I feel like I've been exactly where you are now. Keep posting here. Things do and will get better. Don't even think about jacking it in. Think of all the times in the past you've felt this way and then think of all the happy moments that would never have happened had everything ended there and then.

    It doesn't sound like this boyfriend is going to be the guy you're going to go the distance with but it really, really doesn't mean you are worthless. Don't measure everything because of one silly boy. There may be more silly boys (there usually is) and then you will find a boy who gets you and deserves you.

    And on an unrelated note, if you're ever in Kent and need to chill then you're always welcome. I know we've only met once but you made a rather good impression :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks.

    This is definitely not all about the guy, this was just the thing to send me even further over the edge, as this is the second person who has said they can't be with me because they can't cope with me.

    And thanks Clem. I would love to, but I'm a million miles away at the moment :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm so ashamed that the police came round :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    police? what's to be ashamed of hun? you're going through a rough time and that's okay. Not okay in the fact that it's okay for you to be feeling so pants but it's 'normal' if that's a way to put it. you're human - life gets tough but it's never worth giving up. there's so much more to life than what you are going through right now, sure I know that life gets so hard at times, but I promise it is so worth fighting through it, even if at the moment it just doesn't seem like there's even a glimpse of hope. I am here to chat to all the time if and when you need me. you CAN do this and I believe in you - use that to get through if you can, even if you don't believe in yourself. lean on strength of those around you if you don't feel you have your own. people wanna help you cause they care xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    CBT therapist can't see me anymore because of risk etc. she's referring me back to cmht. Yay :/
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hey love.
    i'm so sorry that i haven't been here when you've been struggling so much, i've been on holiday. i wish someone could make it all better for you. i know it feels like you have this great big mountain in front of you and even taking the first step to climb it seems completely impossible. but the thing is that you don't have to do it alone, so many people care for you and want the best for you. as SM has rightly said, you've had good and bad times and some times when things have been just ok, and some of them haven't been that long ago. i really do understand that everytime you hit a low point it feels like all the effort you've made has been wasted, but in actual fact every time you hit a low, fight back and get going again you get that bit stronger. everyone has ups and downs in their lives but some people (like us) feel the downs a lot more severely and that's something that we have to accept, and by learning the skills to cope we can minimise the lows and how painful they are. i do feel really disappointed for you that no one has been able to teach you those skills, because there is no special medicine or amazing therapist that can make it all better, the reality is that you feel emotions very harshly and things that happen in life really hurt you. no one can change that, it's part of who you are and it's why you are so caring and thoughtful, because you feel things so much. you need to learn how to regulate your own emotions and recognise the signs of a low patch so that you can take care of yourself and stop it completely overwhelming you. it's not your fault that you don't know how to do that. and for what it's worth, my limited abilities in this area have come from what i've taught myself, after all those years of treatment the most effective things i have learned have been the things that i've read about off my own back, not anything that a therapist has taught me.

    i really hope the cmht referral comes to something this time. in a way, the police visit might have been a good thing because it will support your referral and it might mean that you are considered as a higher risk. i think you ARE a high risk and i think they might see that this time.

    :heart: X x x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The big ex was a douche. This one is probably just immature. There are plenty of immature boys at 21. You'll meet plenty more yet. You'll also meet some who are not.

    What omg hi says is pretty much true. I can't deny the therapy I had helped, but the real progress has been progress I've made through my own understanding. This will come in time; each time you have a crash, you're learning about how to get through it. You're coping therefore you're learning coping techniques.

    I don't think the police coming round is such a terrible thing either, at least on a practical level. If the police are having to check on you, if your CBT therapist is saying you're too high risk, then the NHS might fucking listen this time.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Don't be silly omghi, I hope you had a lovely holiday :) but thank you :heart: It is really nice to feel so understood. I wish I didn't feel things so deeply, I wish the bad feelings didn't linger and I wish I could bounce back. From some reading, I think I understand where my problems lie, and I know the theory of what I should do for some of them. But I can't get from the 'being aware' stage to the 'doing something about it' stage. And that's what I really want help with, I feel like I need someone to start me off :(

    Thanks Arctic. I've got an assessment booked, but its only a couple of days before I'm leaving to go home. I'm not sure if its harder being at home - but different things are more difficult. Meh, it's hard to look that far in advance at the moment.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ex is so angry at me. He won't even talk to me when I was just trying to find out if he was doing OK, didn't really want a big chat or anything.

    I don't know why he is angry, he was the one who ended it. I must be such a bad person if I've made someone so angry just for existing :(
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    Your not a horrible person. You are a great member of the community. And you offer great help and advice to others. We are all here for you.
    I hope he talks to you soon. You dont deserve any of this. <3

    Sent from my GT-S5830 using Tapatalk 2
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know he probably wants space, it's just me being stupid. I just really need to hear that he's not angry at me. That he doesn't hate me for anything.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just want to send you a big hug *hug*

    You matter to me xxx
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,428 Part of The Furniture
    Your not being stupid. Its normal that you need the reasurance to know you havent done anything wrong. I am sure you havent done anything wrong.

    I am sorry. Im not too good at this sorta stuff. But im here for you. :)

    Sent from my GT-S5830 using Tapatalk 2
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I really don't know what to do tonight. I'm falling apart. I thought I was doing OK about the break up, but clearly not. I can't get over how quickly someone can go from "I care about you lots, I really like you, you make me happy" to "I can't cope with being with you anymore" and then not even being able to talk to me. Not even a sentence saying "I'm OK, I don't want to talk right now, I'm not angry at you, I just need space". Just ignoring me while I get more and more worked up. I'm an idiot. I must be so so poisonous to be able to do that to a person, to change a lovely person into someone who can't stand to talk to me, to make them want to punish me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I really don't know what to do tonight. I'm falling apart. I thought I was doing OK about the break up, but clearly not. I can't get over how quickly someone can go from "I care about you lots, I really like you, you make me happy" to "I can't cope with being with you anymore" and then not even being able to talk to me. Not even a sentence saying "I'm OK, I don't want to talk right now, I'm not angry at you, I just need space". Just ignoring me while I get more and more worked up. I'm an idiot. I must be so so poisonous to be able to do that to a person, to change a lovely person into someone who can't stand to talk to me, to make them want to punish me.

    It's so easy for me to say this but stop blaming yourself. He sounds like he isn't mature enough to deal with break ups so is just chickening out completely by avoiding and ignoring you. It really, really is no reflection on you. You didn't turn him into anything, I think he's just showing his true colours. You can do better x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you clem :heart:

    In other news, I'll probably be living by myself next year. I can't cope with constantly cleaning up after the boys. We've had talks but nothing has changed. And next year because other girl is moving out (because she doesn't like me + the mess) it will be just me doing all the cleaning. I'll do a shit job of living by myself. Well 1) I can't afford it. 2) Going to make it a whole lot easier for me to go through with something.
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