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acceptance and moving on
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
There's a chance that this could be an incoherent ramble...
I think the first thing I want to make very clear is that I will never be okay with Isla becoming ill with meningitis, I am always going to feel an element of blame towards myself, because ultimately, I feel that I failed her, I couldn't make her better.
When Isla was in hospital, doctors explained to me that her chances of recovery were minimal. If she was to recover, she would have been severely disabled and when I think about it now, she wouldn't have been the little girl that I had known. Would I have still loved her if this was the case? Of course, she was my little girl, no matter what.
This is basically all hypothetical, looking at the what ifs. As it is, Isla didn't recover. That in itself is the hardest reality I've ever had to face.
I've been thinking a lot. It has been a very long process and I'm not for one moment thinking this process is over. But I am more stable now than I have been in a long time. I miss Isla every day, I don't think that will ever go. But something has changed, I'm not glad she is dead, I wish more than anything she was still here, except I wish that she was still here as the little girl who I remember her as. And no matter how I look at it, it wouldn't be like that.
The only word I can use to describe how I currently feel is relief, and I'm not even sure if that's the right word. If Isla was still alive, she would be suffering every day. The amount of care that she would need would be incredible. I have cared for disabled children, I have an enormous amount of respect for parents of severely disabled children, I'm not saying I couldn't do it, because you have to when you're in that situation. I think what I'm thinking, and trying badly to say, is that on Isla's behalf I'm relieved she isn't suffering anymore and I suppose, selfishly I'm relieved that I'm not suffering in that way.
Am I wrong?
It has taken a long time, but I am moving forward: I'm at uni and doing well. I have a job, which I enjoy. I'm looking at post-grad degrees and I'm fairly certain about the route I'm going to take. If Isla was alive and had recovered, I don't see how this would be possible. Because my life would be caring for her, not as a mother, but as a career.
I feel so conflicted in thinking all this, on one hand I think this is the start of acceptance, but it feels so wrong to be relieved that she isn't alive and disabled because as I said above, I would love her regardless. It's selfish of me.
I think the first thing I want to make very clear is that I will never be okay with Isla becoming ill with meningitis, I am always going to feel an element of blame towards myself, because ultimately, I feel that I failed her, I couldn't make her better.
When Isla was in hospital, doctors explained to me that her chances of recovery were minimal. If she was to recover, she would have been severely disabled and when I think about it now, she wouldn't have been the little girl that I had known. Would I have still loved her if this was the case? Of course, she was my little girl, no matter what.
This is basically all hypothetical, looking at the what ifs. As it is, Isla didn't recover. That in itself is the hardest reality I've ever had to face.
I've been thinking a lot. It has been a very long process and I'm not for one moment thinking this process is over. But I am more stable now than I have been in a long time. I miss Isla every day, I don't think that will ever go. But something has changed, I'm not glad she is dead, I wish more than anything she was still here, except I wish that she was still here as the little girl who I remember her as. And no matter how I look at it, it wouldn't be like that.
The only word I can use to describe how I currently feel is relief, and I'm not even sure if that's the right word. If Isla was still alive, she would be suffering every day. The amount of care that she would need would be incredible. I have cared for disabled children, I have an enormous amount of respect for parents of severely disabled children, I'm not saying I couldn't do it, because you have to when you're in that situation. I think what I'm thinking, and trying badly to say, is that on Isla's behalf I'm relieved she isn't suffering anymore and I suppose, selfishly I'm relieved that I'm not suffering in that way.
Am I wrong?
It has taken a long time, but I am moving forward: I'm at uni and doing well. I have a job, which I enjoy. I'm looking at post-grad degrees and I'm fairly certain about the route I'm going to take. If Isla was alive and had recovered, I don't see how this would be possible. Because my life would be caring for her, not as a mother, but as a career.
I feel so conflicted in thinking all this, on one hand I think this is the start of acceptance, but it feels so wrong to be relieved that she isn't alive and disabled because as I said above, I would love her regardless. It's selfish of me.
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Comments
You're not denying her, you're not saying you wouldn't have loved and cared for her, you're saying it wouldn't have been how you envisioned it being.
And that's ok as far as I can see.
None of us can change anything that has happened in the past, all we can do is accept it as being a feature of our lives - and take that experience forward in everything we do.
It's not like you're saying you've chosen the degree and post grad over Isla. It's the you've had a part of your life with a wonderful little girl in it. That little girl had a wonderful life with you as her mummy. Like you say, she didn't really suffer.
I can't imagine that you'll ever stop missing her. But with time, as you're showing, you get to the point where the memories are the fond ones, that bring a smile to your face - rather than always being grief.
Hugs.
In a round about way, I think this was what I was trying to say. Grief won't suddenly stop, but maybe if Isla was disabled that grief would have been prolonged and I think the blame and self loathing would be a lot worse.
Scary Monster, thank you. I wouldn't go as far as brilliant progress, but I feel like I've made some small steps forward.
:yes: It's harder to see progress when you're the one making it. From where I'm standing it looks awesome.
Based on my experience, you'll have moments where you go, "oo, actually I'm doing quite well". Sometimes you'll feel shit for it, sometimes you'll come crashing down the week after. But the progress you and I both made is steady and upward. Eventually you'll get to a day when you'll realise that more often than not you're ok, and that's epic.
The thing that amazes me more than anything, is that you are so selfless and always have been. You've been really supportive of me, and other people on the boards when they need help and advice. You are such a wonderful caring person, even when things are tough for you.
In response to what you said about Isla, I can relate to how you feel. I had to watch my Nan suffer and be incredibly ill, towards the end she couldn't move, or speak. It was horrible to watch someone deteriorate. She was a shell of who she used to be, and when she did die it was a relief- not for us, we loved her dearly and still do, but for her. She was in pain, she was suffering, and when the end did come it was like she was finally at peace.
Isla was a beautiful and happy little girl, and I think in a way it is better that you can remember her like that, than as a little girl who was severely disabled and could have suffered for a long time.
I don't think there is any point in thinking about the "what if's" though, let yourself grieve what was- not what could have been. You will always be her mum, she will always be your baby, and that will never ever go away. You are allowed to get on with your life, to have a job and a degree and even be happy! That doesn't make your grief any less, or mean that you've forgotten her. I hope this all makes sense, not sure I've explained it very well
Thank you. I feel more okayish about these thoughts. Still slightly unsettling, because I'm more used to intense needing, rather than the more rational process of realising what I need is my little girl, who I would no longer have. It's made me feel sad, but a good sort of sad, if that makes sense? An it's-okay-sad. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like I'm allowing myself to feel like this, instead of fighting it and myself and punishing myself for it. Sort of like I'm grieving, not punishing and blaming. Accepting.
This will probably all change tomorrow.
anything you want to chat about?
A big cup of tea, or whatever your preferred morning poison is, a decent breakfast and get yourself set up to take on the day.
I just wanted to say, though, to try and hang on to the fact that you have had some positive feelings and thoughts recently. It will undoubtedly be a long journey, but to have momentary glimpses of happiness is a huge step forwards, and it's something you totally deserve to feel. Hopefully, with time, this will happen more often and push the negative stuff out more and more.
I hope you get a better night's sleep tonight
The past week has been very stressful, for various reasons, I think how I'm feeling is everything sinking in, once I've got my head around stuff I'm sure I'll feel a bit better
Been having awful nightmares, which are leaving me shaken up, so whilst I need sleep, I can't say I'm especially looking forward to it.
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