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how do I make her mine again?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
So earlier this week, my girlfriend left me. She started packing her things and moved back to her old place. Lately our relationship has been strained because it wasnt nearly as fun as it used to be. Money got tight, i got stressed and put more focus into work than us. She knows i had a payraise coming up soon, so it would only be a temporary issue. But then, a very close uncle of hers died. that was the last bit of stress she could take. she said she needed to have fun again, so she left me. She said she will come back to me, that this will only last a couple weeks (hopefully), and i believe her. But i cant help but wonder "What if?" maybe this is it? And i really hope it isnt. im head over heals for this girl, and she knows that well. and i know she felt exactly the same about me. whether or not she can still understand those feelings because of everything else in the way, im not sure. i dont think she can at the moment. But im so lonely without her. it hurts so much not having her beside me when i wake up, not being able to see her at all. im on top of money now, and the old me is coming back. and i think she sees that. but she is so confused. I know time will heal her, and she probably will be mine again. and i know it sounds selfish, but i want her back now. i dont want to wait. i probably dont have a choice, but is there anything i can do?

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Short answer: no. You can't make someone want to be with you.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You can give her time, and be available. But that's about it.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Im not trying to make her want to be with me. She says she does, just needs time and space to sort her head. But I dont want her to feel like she needs the space. I want her to be able to use me when she feels down. But she is convinced that it will be too much for me to take her baggage on top of my own (we both have A LOT of it). It doesnt matter how many different ways i say it, she doesnt believe that i can help. or she doesnt want to. she thinks this will be best for both of us. and that at the end of it, we can, hopefully, be happy together. That is assuming that neither of us moves on. And I know I wont for a long time
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There's nothing wrong with wanting space. If you smother her it's just going to push her away even more. Give her space, she knows her own head - let her sort it out herself.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well now she is going around sleeping with other guys. She told me she needs freedom, and wants to have these experiences before she settles down. But I am the man she says she wants to settle down with, so it was now or never. And she wants me to do the same. She told me I can use her apartment in the city tonight so I can go out pubbing. She told me to do whatever I want. Hook up with random people and have fun. But I don't know if I can. It's doing my head in. I want to be with her still, but this is hurting me so much.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She wants to have her cake and eat it. She can't expect you to wait for her while she sleeps about. She sounds really selfish. You're better off without her
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well what she told me is that she wants to be with me, but she wants to have these experiences. She was scared shitless of losing me, so she decided not to go through with it. This was about a month ago. But then, there were so many things that went wrong at once (medical issues, family passing, etc) and it was all too much for her. She decided that she needed to go out and have fun to escape all the pain. But because of my work schedule, we couldnt go out together very often. So she said this would be the best way. She can go out without me having to worry because we are not together anymore, she can have fun and take some of the pain away, and she can have the experiences that she wants. And dont get me wrong, i want those experiences too. I told her that when she brought it up, but i also said that i want her more. and i still do. She says she wants me to wait, but she saw how much it was hurting me the other day, so she broke down and told me to move on because it will be easier than dragging my heart along for her. But the hardest part now is the guy she was with last night is coming out with her today to help move some of her furniture back. I'm not positive that they slept together, but im damned close to it. I understand that we are no longer together, but i still want to put his head into a brick wall. Im taking so much pain for this girl.. i really hope it is worth it...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She's not worth the pain. Whatever you do, don't wait for her and you'll find a girl that won't expect you to sit and wait while she shags her issues out of her system with random guys.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well I doubt if we will get back together now.. she has just started being a total bitch. I thought she slept with this guy, and she brought him out to my house to help move furniture. I said it was ok, and promised i wouldnt be mean to him. And i wasnt, but i wasnt particularly polite, either. I was already pissed off because i had made some plans that night, and she fucked them up by turning up for her stuff 4 hours late. so obviously i wasnt going to be real happy with meeting the guy i thought she shagged the night before. Well just today her mum went to her apartment, and no one was home. her mum saw this guys clothes on the floor by the bed, and instantly started asking what is going on (her entire family absolutely adored me and are furious with her for leaving me). She assumed i told her mum she was sleeping around, so she attacked me. this whole thing is just turning into a ridiculous mess :/
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well it really does sound like this might have been going on for longer than you knew about it. She may have been unhappy for much longer than you realise. It could be that she has been looking for an excuse to get out for a long time. She could have said a lot of those things you mentioned in your first post to try and make things a little less hard on you.

    Unfortunately it sounded like that she ended up doing is giving you false hope. The situation you describe sounds a lot like something I went through a few years ago and it isnt nice at all. I do apologise if I come across as being blunt and mean. Yes I intended to be blunt, but not mean in any way.

    Even if she did want you want deep down, would you want to get back with someone who has and is shagging another bloke so soon after she had moved out, especially if there is the possibility that it may have been going on before she moved out?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She may have been thinking about breaking up for some time, but im sure she wasnt cheating. she didnt have the time for it, and was always at my house when she did. and i am able to stop in throughout the day, and no one was ever here. I decided that i dont want her back. She is putting me through too much bull shit, and the more i pay attention, the more qualities i see in her that remind me of my mother (a woman who is far less than pleasant, and i am extremely unhappy to be related to her). I didnt notice until my father pointed it out. But this girl isnt going anywhere in life, and in all honesty, i think she would just be an anchor around my neck. Im an apprentice welder, and my job will take me around the world if i plug into the right sources. But she would just want to stay here and settle. and if i stayed with her, i wouldnt be able to go where i want to in life. Im going to give it some time. i wouldnt mind being friends with her again, but if she wants me back then she has a hell of a lot of growing up to do
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I thought exactly the same thing with one of my exes, I wondered where she had the time. Its possible that nothing had happened prior to her moving out, but maybe the intent was there?

    I think you have made an important decision in life. Whilst relationships are about give and take, and compromise etc, you're no longer in a relationship with her and need to think about yourself. It seems that you could have an exciting opportunity ahead of you, hope you make something of it because it sounds really great.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well some of my best friends were with her the night i though she shagged this guy, and they all insist nothing happened. I dont really care anymore. we arent together, and i think it is going to stay that way. fine by me, there are better things for me to waste my time on
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    typerry92 wrote: »
    well some of my best friends were with her the night i though she shagged this guy, and they all insist nothing happened. I dont really care anymore. we arent together, and i think it is going to stay that way. fine by me, there are better things for me to waste my time on

    It doesn't really matter whether she shagged the guy or not really. It's good that you are already considering moving on in some form.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey typerry92,

    Moving on takes a lot of strength and courage so well done for feeling ready to do this :yes: Everyone does it in their own pace though, so feel free to take your time.

    Sometimes coming out of a serious relationship can make being single daunting at times. However there is no reason why you can't be single and happy! Going out with friends, remembering the pros of being single, while having people there supporting you, can ease this process and actually make it enjoyable :)

    Let us know how you get on *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just call her some time remind her you are waiting for her but don't force her. Some time make distance is good. It remind us how important a companionship is.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hate being right, i genuinely feel for you man.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, since i posted this, she has hooked up with 7 or 8 other guys that i know of for sure, and 3 of them i know she has slept with.. probably a few of the others as well. One of them is one of my best mates.. she was out of town, needed a place to stay, so she crashed at his... he was just being a good friend.. she got him drunk and threw herself at him. took his virginity that night. he told me about it, and apologized profusely. im furious with her for that. she did it specifically to piss me off. the dirty slut can fuck off in a ditch for all i care. ive been nothing but nice to her, i dont think i have done anything to deserve this nonsense. im done with relationships for a while.. just gonna focus on me and my career for a bit. i dont need this crap on top of everything else
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh my, that is absolutely savage. All girls tend to go through a slutty stage like this i find... Normally after long relationships. All i can suggest for you mate is just to remove her off facebook, delete her number etc. Just remove her from your life.
    And try not to think about her too much (I know it's a stupid thing to say, but it does help). People grow apart and people always change, she wasn't the 'one' or the right girl for you, just think about the good memories, and leave it at that.

    Spend time with friends and family, then just focus on yourself and what you need. Having a break from relationships to sort yourself out is always a good idea. Wish you best of luck dude.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    All girls? :rolleyes:

    But yes, sounds like she's not interested anymore sadly. Leave her to it and move on
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ballerina wrote: »
    All girls? :rolleyes:

    But yes, sounds like she's not interested anymore sadly. Leave her to it and move on

    You know i don't mean all, i just mean a large population of females, i just hate having to specify :(
    But I say this more from experience, either i go for horrible girls or something.
    But every girl i go out with, does what happened to the OP here.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Shikari wrote: »
    You know i don't mean all, i just mean a large population of females, i just hate having to specify :(

    You might have to learn to specify if you don't want to be seen as sexist and difficult. No girl I ever dated slept around when we were together.

    To the OP, this must be really hard to know about, but at least it sends you a very clear message about the relationship and allows you to move on.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You mean the small proportion of the female population you have happened to date? Chances are it's due to your taste in girls/who you know and not a default female behaviour typical of the general population....because well, it isn't.
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