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no one understands
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
i need chat and my mum always tells me to get off my laptop when chat is still on and she doesn't understand how much i need it, i literally rely on it. she knows about my situation and knows bout chat but doesn't get how much i need it - and now im crying and need to walk through the house,and i cant deal with it!
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I wonder if you can explain to your mum exactly what it is about the chat room that helps you - whether it lifts your mood, calms you down, distracts you from negative thoughts... have you spoken to her about it like that at all?
You might also be able to come up with a compromise so maybe if she doesn't like you on it for the full two hours agree to come for the first or last hour?
Just some ideas, hope you're okay *hug*
How are you doing today? It can be difficult expressing the need for something for example using chat, and at times it's only us who know how much we really need whatever we need in this case, a chat, I like the idea that Jo suggested about negotiating, but I wanted to bring up a skill I learnt in DBT.
We learnt a skill called DEAR MAN, which basically is getting what you want, but also maintaining your self respect and the relationship. Basically all DEAR MAN is, is an anagram.
D - Describe
E - Express
A - Assert
R - Reinforce
M - Mindful
A - Appear Confident
N - Negotiate
Describe is basically express why you need something to someone else, by using specific words, and maybe leave little questions as to what you want and need.
Express - Express how this is making you feel, it can often be useful showing facial expressions, so don't feel bad for expressing yourself, and avoid overwhelming yourself This can be tricky for those of us who have a tendency to get lost in or overwhelmed by emotions.
Assert - Basically look for a balance between your needs and staying away from aggression.
Reinforce - Express to the other person why they should respond to your request, tell them about the positive outcomes that would come out of it, and keep reminding them. Do this by being honest, and not demanding.
Mindful - Don?t allow distracting thoughts or intense emotions to cloud your thinking. If the other person responds with defensiveness or hostility, don?t allow yourself to engage with the emotional intensity. Stay focussed, and responding with anger could sabotage your chances of getting what you want.
Appear Confident - If you have trouble believing in the validity of your request, so will other people. Imagine yourself as confident, competent, and deserving of what you want or need. When you take yourself seriously, others are more likely to as well. - You could do some self validating.
Negotiate - When our ideal requests are not met, there is often a way to meet halfway ? to find a solution that is ?good enough? without compromising our values. As Jo Suggested telling your mother you'll spend the last or, first hour of it.
DEAR MAN's actually one of those more useful ones to learn as it is something that's effective once you put it in place...How about giving it ago?
Best wishes,
Angel