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A friend who is a hoarder
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi guys, hope you're all well. Just watching The Hoarder Next Door on channel 4 and it's sparked a debate with my husband.
So the story is, we have a friend, and her behaviour is getting worse. She used to live on a really rough estate near where to she lives now and she rarely went out because of antisocial behaviour. Her place was always a complete mess and my husband and I helped her apply and move to a smaller property in a better area. While helping her move we uncovered things she didn't even know she had. She had a two bed flat and the second bedroom was full of stuff. She had clutter and things she had hoarded all over the place and we managed to get her to throw some things out. We moved her to a one bedroom flat and while there was a lot of clutter she ensured that she would continue progress and get rid of more stuff. She usef to sleep in a broken bed with magazines stuffed in it in the old property so when she moved we ensured there was enough room in the bedroom for her to buy a new bed, which she did.
We thought things might improve because she had a new place in a good area she could really care for. But things have only gotten worse. I haven't seen in her flat recently because she has become rven mote withdrawn and never invites us over. My husband went to see her a coulple of weeks back and she tried to stop him coming in but he forced through and found the wetroom/bathroom all but inaccessible and the living room worse than ever. She got a chair off us when we moved for her back as her furniture was rubbish but now the hoarding means she can just about sit on the arm. Her bed is covered in things to the point where she has a small area at the base of the bed she can access.
We want to help her, we really do but she is totally in denial and says she'll get round to it one day. Her hoarding is getting worse and worse and we don't know what to do. We think (I say think) her hoarding could be related so the loss of her Mum to cancer that she hasn't come to terms with, but her complete denial of having a problem means no matter what we aay she ignores it. As we are friends and not family we don't want to ruin a friendship either. We've thought about telling social services we are worried about her health due to the hoarding but we have a big worry - she's animal mad and has a cat and two dogs. She loves them and treats them well but due to the nature of her hoarding she doesn't have good hygene and the younger dog who she hasn't had that long isn't house trained. When we helped her move house it was clear he had been going to the loo indoors and she hadn't been clearing it up due to the nature of her hoard and not discovering the dog had done anything. We are worried if we try to intervene the first thing they will do is end up taking her pets who are her family and with her long term depression this could make her suicidal. ...and we want to help, not destroy what little life she has.
She is becoming more and more secretive and withdrawn and we worry about her health. We love hwr dearly but feel powerless to help her. Does anyone have any idea what we can do to help? As she is a lovely diamond of a person who needs help and to move forward. Thanks
So the story is, we have a friend, and her behaviour is getting worse. She used to live on a really rough estate near where to she lives now and she rarely went out because of antisocial behaviour. Her place was always a complete mess and my husband and I helped her apply and move to a smaller property in a better area. While helping her move we uncovered things she didn't even know she had. She had a two bed flat and the second bedroom was full of stuff. She had clutter and things she had hoarded all over the place and we managed to get her to throw some things out. We moved her to a one bedroom flat and while there was a lot of clutter she ensured that she would continue progress and get rid of more stuff. She usef to sleep in a broken bed with magazines stuffed in it in the old property so when she moved we ensured there was enough room in the bedroom for her to buy a new bed, which she did.
We thought things might improve because she had a new place in a good area she could really care for. But things have only gotten worse. I haven't seen in her flat recently because she has become rven mote withdrawn and never invites us over. My husband went to see her a coulple of weeks back and she tried to stop him coming in but he forced through and found the wetroom/bathroom all but inaccessible and the living room worse than ever. She got a chair off us when we moved for her back as her furniture was rubbish but now the hoarding means she can just about sit on the arm. Her bed is covered in things to the point where she has a small area at the base of the bed she can access.
We want to help her, we really do but she is totally in denial and says she'll get round to it one day. Her hoarding is getting worse and worse and we don't know what to do. We think (I say think) her hoarding could be related so the loss of her Mum to cancer that she hasn't come to terms with, but her complete denial of having a problem means no matter what we aay she ignores it. As we are friends and not family we don't want to ruin a friendship either. We've thought about telling social services we are worried about her health due to the hoarding but we have a big worry - she's animal mad and has a cat and two dogs. She loves them and treats them well but due to the nature of her hoarding she doesn't have good hygene and the younger dog who she hasn't had that long isn't house trained. When we helped her move house it was clear he had been going to the loo indoors and she hadn't been clearing it up due to the nature of her hoard and not discovering the dog had done anything. We are worried if we try to intervene the first thing they will do is end up taking her pets who are her family and with her long term depression this could make her suicidal. ...and we want to help, not destroy what little life she has.
She is becoming more and more secretive and withdrawn and we worry about her health. We love hwr dearly but feel powerless to help her. Does anyone have any idea what we can do to help? As she is a lovely diamond of a person who needs help and to move forward. Thanks
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Comments
On a serious note, it's a tricky one. It's not like you can force someone to depart with their belongings. But it is pretty serious if she is not caring for the dog and I would be very concerned about them both. I really don't know what to suggest I'm afraid. Has your hubby tried sitting down with her and asking how she's coping? And gently bring up the subject of the dog? Maybe you could offer to have it for a few days whilst she cleans up or gets some help in, and take it from there?
It seems like she's become stuck in a bit of a rut, I think maybe helping her to socialize would be a good first step.
But if a dog is messing everywhere and it's not being cleaned up, combined with all the clutter is a pretty serious health hazard for her and the dogs. Does she walk them at all?
Dogs need 2 walks of at least 45 minutes a day normally. I know you're trying to be nice because she loves her dogs, but she isn't looking after herself let alone them. You really do need to tell someone.