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Why do i feel like this? i dont even know who i am anymore
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi.Im a 15 year old girl. I have always been shy & had a quiet personality. But in the last year and half i feel like its got alot worse.
I feel very concerned about my looks and im completely unstisfied with them. Its all i think about when im out and around people. My body tenses up and i feel incredibly uncomfortable, i just want the ground to swallow me up then and there. I am worried about what others may think about me, and i hate when people laugh, i automatically think they are laughing at me. My face is just so asymetrical, it just looks like i was put togethher wrong. Im not imagining it, and others have noticed it, so i dont have any sort of dysmorphia disorder. I just want to look perfect and i want to be ale to relax. I am always scrutinising others appearance to try and seek comfort in my own. The first thing i look at when i see people (magazines, on tv ect) is their eyelids: are their eyes eneven like mine??
I cant explain it, i know that im not the ugliest person ever, but im just obsessed about my face and the things wrong with it. I already know which surgical procedures i want. I dont like looking at people, and i hate when people walk behind me or near me. I keep my head down and i dont look up. If im in a lesson, and there is 10 people to my left, and only 5 to my right, i make sure i cover the right side of my face with my hand. Im constantly fidgeting around trying to find the most concealing position.
Im just so stressed out about it, if somebody who i know well is talking to me, and another unknown person walks by, my thoughts get so clouded with that stranger, than i can just totally blank out and ignore the person talking to me.
I hate pictures, it just makes me cry when i am shown any picture that anyone takes of me. In the mirror, i dont look as bad as in real life, but in person/on camera, my asymetrical features show up much more.
When i get of the bus everyday after school, its like an instant relief, the muscles in my body suddenly relax and ache for a while after because of how tense they have been all day.
I have faked a knee injury because i dont want to do PE, i fake being ill when im feeling down to miss school.
Also,, im very very sensitive and irritable now. If the slightest thing goes wrong, i just flip out and cry. I feel immense guilt for how ive treated my mum as a result of my irritability.
Worst of all, my mum thinks im just attention seeking. I see a councillor and she has mentioned BDD, anxiety and depression to me. My mum thinks its rubbish, and that im just a normal teenager. She reassures me that she felt the same at one point, and i thnk she thinks im lying to my concillor about how i feel/ over dramtising it all. She told that she wishes id never seen the councillor in the first place.
I am considering stopping the counilling now because im embarrassed that my mum thinks this. Im just very confused right now, ive lost myself in all of this and i feel like a stranger in my own body.
For the first time yesterday, i felt very panicky, and short of breath. I havent felt anything like it before.
I had to go into the town by myself to take pictures for my art project. I hid out in a small cafe the whole time and i went home without any pictures because i was too embarrassed. When i got home, i was so frustrated and angry at myself, at the same time i was just sad and disappointed. I started to get quite short of breath, my hands were shaking and i felt really restless, i was pacing up and down my room for about 20 minutes. I took some of my stress relief back spray and that seemed to work. It wasnt a panick attack or anything, but it worries me that i felt like that.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I just feel completely alone right now, and im so confused. Maybe im just weak, and im just struggling to cope with things that everyone else can manage. When im not feeling as described, i feel empty; like just nothingness. I think the only time i am happy is when a) Im walking my dog b) when i get good results in school.
I feel very concerned about my looks and im completely unstisfied with them. Its all i think about when im out and around people. My body tenses up and i feel incredibly uncomfortable, i just want the ground to swallow me up then and there. I am worried about what others may think about me, and i hate when people laugh, i automatically think they are laughing at me. My face is just so asymetrical, it just looks like i was put togethher wrong. Im not imagining it, and others have noticed it, so i dont have any sort of dysmorphia disorder. I just want to look perfect and i want to be ale to relax. I am always scrutinising others appearance to try and seek comfort in my own. The first thing i look at when i see people (magazines, on tv ect) is their eyelids: are their eyes eneven like mine??
I cant explain it, i know that im not the ugliest person ever, but im just obsessed about my face and the things wrong with it. I already know which surgical procedures i want. I dont like looking at people, and i hate when people walk behind me or near me. I keep my head down and i dont look up. If im in a lesson, and there is 10 people to my left, and only 5 to my right, i make sure i cover the right side of my face with my hand. Im constantly fidgeting around trying to find the most concealing position.
Im just so stressed out about it, if somebody who i know well is talking to me, and another unknown person walks by, my thoughts get so clouded with that stranger, than i can just totally blank out and ignore the person talking to me.
I hate pictures, it just makes me cry when i am shown any picture that anyone takes of me. In the mirror, i dont look as bad as in real life, but in person/on camera, my asymetrical features show up much more.
When i get of the bus everyday after school, its like an instant relief, the muscles in my body suddenly relax and ache for a while after because of how tense they have been all day.
I have faked a knee injury because i dont want to do PE, i fake being ill when im feeling down to miss school.
Also,, im very very sensitive and irritable now. If the slightest thing goes wrong, i just flip out and cry. I feel immense guilt for how ive treated my mum as a result of my irritability.
Worst of all, my mum thinks im just attention seeking. I see a councillor and she has mentioned BDD, anxiety and depression to me. My mum thinks its rubbish, and that im just a normal teenager. She reassures me that she felt the same at one point, and i thnk she thinks im lying to my concillor about how i feel/ over dramtising it all. She told that she wishes id never seen the councillor in the first place.
I am considering stopping the counilling now because im embarrassed that my mum thinks this. Im just very confused right now, ive lost myself in all of this and i feel like a stranger in my own body.
For the first time yesterday, i felt very panicky, and short of breath. I havent felt anything like it before.
I had to go into the town by myself to take pictures for my art project. I hid out in a small cafe the whole time and i went home without any pictures because i was too embarrassed. When i got home, i was so frustrated and angry at myself, at the same time i was just sad and disappointed. I started to get quite short of breath, my hands were shaking and i felt really restless, i was pacing up and down my room for about 20 minutes. I took some of my stress relief back spray and that seemed to work. It wasnt a panick attack or anything, but it worries me that i felt like that.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I just feel completely alone right now, and im so confused. Maybe im just weak, and im just struggling to cope with things that everyone else can manage. When im not feeling as described, i feel empty; like just nothingness. I think the only time i am happy is when a) Im walking my dog b) when i get good results in school.
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Comments
First of all, I wanted to welcome you to TheSite - it's great that you felt able to post so honestly and open up so much on your first post. If you don't know, we also have an Introduce Yourself forum where you can say hi to people properly too!
I'm so sorry to hear about how you're feeling, and how much your feelings about you appearance are taking over your life. It's good that you're having counselling and I'd urge you to continue if you can as it will give you a place where you can say whatever you like without being judged.
While it sounds like your mum isn't really supporting you as much as she should, is there a chance that she doesn't fully understand and is trying to 'buck you up' by brushing it off, in the hope that it will make you feel more positive about things? Maybe if you could have a proper, honest chat with her it would help her to see the truth? I think your post here sums things up really well, so maybe you could print it off and give it to her as a starting point for discussion?
Keep posting and let us know how things develop...
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