Who am I?

Former Member

First post :wave:

Ok so what initially led me to this forum was that last night I drank a little too much infront of people I shouldn't have and blurted out some big secrets that one of those people had trusted me with. Needless to say she won't trust me with them ever again. I was going to ask for advice on how to fix this but then thought I may as well put the bigger issue out there.
So before I launch into it here's some background info: I come from a very strong Christian background and have been bought up with very specific restrictions placed on my life. These include no sex before marriage, we may as well say no anything before marriage, no drinking, DEFINATELY no drugs, no jewellery etc.. like I said; restrictions!

I believe in god..most of the time. Honestly I find it very hard to believe that 'he' really cares if I do any of the things my religion tells me I can't (the issue there isnt being judged by god - its being judged by fellow members). A couple of years ago my best friend and I started drinking (we were both 17 at the time - now 20) was fun and very cute looking back now (we had no idea what 'being drunk' rreally was :angel: )
She got into it with a passion, moved out of home, started sleeping around and drinking heavily every week. At the time I was totally disgusted with her and told her that if she chose to act that way and go against everything we'd over been bought up to believe we could no longer be friends. Luckily for me we've had a strong relationship since we were little girls so when I returned from a backpacking holiday overseas with a new outlook on life and what really mattered ( and a little bit less naivety:p) it wasn't hard for us to fix up the cracks between us*hug*
This year I've been starting to go out with her more and I've discovered how much I love it! I have problems with self confidence and have never felt people liked me because no one ever made the effort to get to know me - before now! I've made more friends in two weeks going out then I would have made in months if I hadn't. It's also made us a lot closer as friends. The other thing is also that I've been exploring more with guys (still a virgin...just ) and am getting quite close to one guy in particular who is my official-unofficial casual-but-only-each-other hook up who happens to be my best friends brother. (She knows and is completely fine with it).
So here's the crux of it all - leading this lifestyle is great, I have more friends and more confidence than ever before. However a few of my close relationships, my family and some friends who have all been bought up in the same religion, hate my lifestyle. They judge me, even though they say they don't, and I feel as though I disgust them. They tell me I shouldn't be associating with my best friend, that she is scum, that I change and they don't like who I am. They tell me my faith isn't strong enough (as if they can judge that...) and I'm going to wreck my life, that my future partner will hate me for my past if I keep going. I've barely spoken with my mother besides arguing lately, to whom I am very close usually.
My best friend accepts me no matter who I choose to be -religious good girl or free spirit - but my family and (most) friends only accept the good girl. If I were to choose to continue going out, experimenting with guys and just generally discovering myself as my own person I would lose the huge network (HUGE) of friends, relatives and ministers that I've guilty up by being born a member of my church.

I've come to the point where I have to choose whether I let myself fall back into my religion and comply with all their restrictions, which means I can fix my relationships, or continue living life for myself and lose a lot of people close to me, not to mention my freedom- potentially for good ( you know what they say about reputations) and waste the best years of my life.
I don't know whether my freedom is worth the price I would have to pay,
Also years of religious brainwashing mean I still occasionally freak out about the devil tempting me ("that must be why I don't feel guilty about this") and about hell ("god hates me, I'm going to hell , I'm evil, there's something wrong with me"). sometimes i feel like the obvious choice is to stop my new lifestyle. Sometimes i feel like one day ill regret never experiencing life while i could.
I don't know who I am, or who I should choose to be.

Do you guys have any opinions about this? I know I sound like a teenaged girl but trust me. It's just years or religious restraint that make me so naive.

Former Member

Hello Sophie,

Sounds like quite a dilemma.

I will give you my personal opinion based on my virtues however someone else could give you completely a different idea and really you need to make the decision, not me, not your mum, not religion, not your friend.

I think you should not go out and drink etc, I think that you are wrong when you said you may waste the best years of your life, what about falling in love, what about having children, what about seeing them swim by themselves for the first time, going on a family holiday, seeing your kids have kids etc, the best years of your life have nothing to do with age, it is happiness you should be looking for, follow your heart.

I went to a few clubs but nothing too serious when I was younger.

I am more family orientated, I saved myself and lost my v to my husband and really happy about that and I know he feels even more special because he knows he is my only one man.

I know some girls love sex and can want to jump on many men and if they enjoy that then that is great for them. It's what YOU want with your life.

Maybe your friend is scum, maybe she is a bad role model, maybe she is misjudged and just having fun?

Maybe your family are too judgmental or religious freaks, maybe they are decent people trying to raise you right and steer you away from negative influences because they love you.

The question, as you have already said is, who are you?

I would say, think about your future, think about where you want to be in 2 and 5 years and try your best to make it happen.

If what you want from life requires money then think seriously and be frugal, stop going out and invest your money in your future.

Clubs are not the only place to meet people, what about a gym, chess group, indoor wall climbing or something, hobbies are better than drinking in my opinion.iip

Former Member

Thank you so much.

Your response was what my friends and family have been telling me but I have been too caught up to listen. Hearing the same words from a complete stranger seems to have struck a chord. *hug*

Indrid Cold

I don't have the experience or the wisdom to say much on the main issue (which way you should be acting) but let me say this:
What your relationship with your family and friend is like is not about your family only accepting you one way and your friend accepting you no matter what, it's about where each person places a limit in what they accept. I imagine that if you did something like murder people, your friend wouldn't accept you either. I hope you see what I mean.
Unless I missed something, nothing of what you or your friend is doing is illegal, so it's only about each person's morals. Your family's are simply a lot stricter than your friend's.

So what I'm saying is, I don't think you should consider either your family or your friend(s) as better than each other. Your friend isn't better for accepting you, and your family isn't better for wanting you to be safe. They just have different ideas about what's best for you.

I guess that I can say this on the main issue: Do nothing because your friend, or your family, or a complete stranger says it's the right thing to do. Instead, take all their viewpoints into account but do what you think is best did yourself after considering them.
Like bettyboo said, think how you'd like your life to be and try to make it so, but judge that for yourself.

Former Member

Hello Sophie,

I am really glad if what I said helped in any way.

You strike me as someone who can do very well.

Wish you the best for all your future

Betty *hug*