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Need help figuring out what to do

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
My girlfriend's birthday was April 3rd and mine was April 6th. We decided to go out Saturday the 6th to jointly celebrate both birthdays. Earlier my children's mother asked if I could have dinner with them for my birthday. I said yes but didn't give them a date. They understandably assumed it would be the 6th, the day of my birthday. My daughter and I have a strained relationship. She is 29 and feels I ignored her and broke dates with her while she was growing up but I was working all the time. Still she was right because I did not spend the time with her I could have. I went to her when I discovered the mistake I'd made and asked if we could have the dinner on the following day, Sunday the 7th. She explained she had already switched a lot of her schedule to Sunday night to allow her to have dinner with me on Saturday. I told my girlfriend about the problem and asked her if we could cancel Saturday and go to dinner on Sunday to celebrate. Her response was "It's your birthday you can do want you want with it". She also said she would not have dinner with me on Sunday because she had things she had to do. Then on Sunday she got a call from her brother-in-law asking her to let him take her out that evening. Sunday. She told him yes. She did it without first asking me if I still wanted to go out for our birthday that day since it was now possible or telling him she already had a request from her boyfriend and had turned him down so it wouldn't be right to go out with him until she found out whether I still wanted to have dinner with her. She didn't care and went out with him and told me she also wouldn't explain to him what she had done. He had no idea she had turned down birthday dinner with her boyfriend to go out with him. She said she thought since we made plans to have the dinner the next weekend there was nothing wrong with her actions. The following weekend plans were based on her saying she was unable to go out Sunday night. If she wanted to go out with me Sunday night all she had to do was tell me she could. She knew that before she talked to her brother-in-law. By the way, in the past she has broken and canceled a few dates with me when they interfered with something she had to do with her daughter or her mother. Every single time I told her I understood and she was doing the right thing. Every time without exception. Her daughter and niece were supposed be there at the restaurant/club too and I have a nice relationship with them. When she told me about what she was going to do I asked her how, considering what she'd already said about not being able to go out Sunday but it then got even worse when she said, after telling me she was going out with him and I wasn't invited, "at least someone is taking me out for my birthday". She refused to go out with me and instead went out with someone else then says "at least someone is taking me out for my birthday". When she found out how mad I was by the news she did nothing to attempt to rectify the situation. She continued on with her plans knowing I'd be home alone while she was out celebrating her birthday with someone else. She also knew I was waiting up to hear from her that night. At 11:30 PM I got a text telling me she was just leaving the club and couldn't call when she got home and would talk to me the next day. What would you do if you were me? I know what I will do but I want to hear others' opinions too.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there metroscoots and welcome to TheSite :wave:

    It sounds as though you already have some thoughts about how to move forward after what's happened recently around these birthday celebrations. I'm sure others will come in with their advice too but what really matters here is how you feel at the moment and what you think you can do to resolve those feelings?

    Do you feel that she's been unreasonable or do you feel that in fact this was a case of various people making various assumptions and a breakdown in communication that got a bit out of hand?

    It's often easy to think we know exactly what someone else is thinking or their motivations but unless we ask them outright we can never truly be sure. We end up taking cues from behaviour or like you said, from a recent text - I get the impression you found that quite cold?

    I hope you're feeling a bit better since you posted this and I imagine things may have developed since but my suggestion would be to start by having a really honest conversation. Find a time and place that feels relaxed and is on neutral ground and start with something like ' it was a real shame we didn't get to celebrate together, I've been going over it in my head and I just wanted to talk things through?'

    Relationships often go through a phase where both sides can feel torn between spending time with each other whilst still making time for all the other people in their lives. Unfortunately it's impossible to keep everyone happy all of the time!

    Let us know how you're getting on *hug*
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