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self harm experiences: the good, the bad and the ugly
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
It's self harm awareness day on 1st March and TheSite Leaders were talking this evening about how to approach self harm and our experiences in talking about it.
I think one of the biggest things I'd want people, who haven't experienced self harm to know it that getting rid of whatever object you use won't stop self harm or cure you. Self harm isn't a case of just cutting, there are a lot of hidden, underlying feelings which are hard to vocalise.
The size of the injury isn't a reflection on how you feel.
When talking about self harm I'm worried that it will give people ideas and they too will do what I've done.
Thoughts?
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What are you experiences of talking about self harm- the good, the bad, the ugly?
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What useful things have people said to you?
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What are the worst things you've heard?
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What do you wish people knew in regards to self harm?
I think one of the biggest things I'd want people, who haven't experienced self harm to know it that getting rid of whatever object you use won't stop self harm or cure you. Self harm isn't a case of just cutting, there are a lot of hidden, underlying feelings which are hard to vocalise.
The size of the injury isn't a reflection on how you feel.
When talking about self harm I'm worried that it will give people ideas and they too will do what I've done.
Thoughts?
0
Comments
I've never really talked about SH though- it's usually something I brush off as I find it a senstitive subject as few people know I have had problems with it and I don't want that to change. I had a few sessions of councilling at uni, and even when the inevitable question of "have you ever SH'ed?" came up I just nodded and refused to say much else, apart from maybe a quick mumbled sentence.
Not quite SH related- but I heard one of my parents say "oh I do wish she'd just snap out of it" when talking about my Gran being put in a home and subsequently stopping eating much and generally looking so glum and unhappy and giving up for all the months she was there before she died. I think she may have ended up with depression, but not diagnosed. I remember feeling bad myself at that point in time (was when my SH was at it's worst), and wanting to shout at my parents that it wouldn't be that easy... I can't manage it, how would my Gran?
this, definitely.
YES THIS. *ahem* I've even had consultant psychiatrists (yes, more than one, on more than one occasion) tell me that if the wounds don't look deep it's not that bad. (Just on a glance. I detested showing the wounds to anyone so that was the ultimate knockback.)
Also I've found attitudes to the fact I have scars vary from dismissive (who gives a shit?) to downright nasty (you chose to do that you have to live with the fact you can't show them in public, it's like having an offensive tattoo). What I need is for people to just say "It's ok. It's a bit upsetting at first, but it's you." Very few people say that.
Yes. You did.
i've been told many times that i will grow out of it, most recently by a customer at work who leaned over the bar to take a good look and told me how her daughter did it but 'it was just a phase'. once a colleague told me i was a 'psycho' and 'more fucked up than michael jackson'.
once when i was out with some friends from uni, a girl i know who was a bit pissed shouted really loudly 'you've got scars!' and everyone looked at me, even though she'd seen them loads of times before. i didn't know what to do so i just said, 'yes i know i do, but thanks for bringing it to everyone's attention'. she then cried about it and i felt terrible.
these are more the exception than the rule to be honest, in general people have managed to communicate with me without feeling the need to say anything. sometimes i will mention it as a joke, like the other week at work people were talking about tattoos and i said 'i'm a bit scared of the pain... ironic really' and because they all know me if was cool, but obviously i will pick who i joke with. if people have ever said anything i've told them i don't mind telling them about it, and i think by allowing them to see by rolling my sleeves up i open myself up to their comments, and i'm prepared to take them, as long as they aren't rude. i don't even notice people staring because i'm used to it.
i do agree about taking away whatever you self harm with not making much difference, and i remember as a teenager being fiercely angry when my mum for taking things away (although in a way it was funny because she would take things i'd never self-harm with like nail scissors but not notice all the razor blades hidden in a plant pot), but i understand why she did it and i would do exactly the same if if was my child. she knew i'd only go out and buy more but i know that she needed to feel that she was doing something about it and not just leaving me to get on with it. so i think taking the things away is fair enough, providing the person that does it is there to support you, and is prepared to be with you at the times when you would usually turn to self-harm.
Drunk people are the best :rolleyes:
Someone approached me at Hallowe'en once and started stroking my arms then shouted "Oh my God, they're real! I thought it was really good makeup."
I agree to an extent that showing the scars opens the way for people to comment. That's why I mostly don't, I can't handle it.
I do think there needs to be more education on mental health in schools and the workplace. I had some really bad teaching during my pastoral psychology course and there was no real way to challenge it (I did take my concerns to the vice-principal, but wasn't prepared to air them in public by challenging the teacher). I worry that people are taught all sorts of wrong things about how mental health affects people and how to relate to people with mental health problems. I never disclose my full diagnosis, because it's so open to interpretation and I don't want to be pigeon-holed.
definitely, i think that 99% of the time people aren't meaning to be offensive, they just don't know what the right reaction is and end up saying something inappropriate.
Jeez that's awful.
Agree with Ballerina, there is definitely a lack of understanding surrounding self harm and mental illness. Worryingly, I think this stems to health care professionals too, even those working within mental health. Upon ringing the crisis line, I have been told to "have a nice bath and sleep on it, things will be better in the morning" after stating how I feel/what I'd done. From experience, if you try to raise poor treatment, you get the whole let's try and pacify the mentalist so they don't do anything too crazy, without actually attempting to sort out the real problem/s. But because of this bad experiences, people are less willing (understandably so) to speak out and the stigma remains. Vicious circle.
This :yes:
Best?
The most useful thing for me is when people who can't understand accept that and stop trying. A very good friend of mine has never understood and doesn't try to which mean I don't have to try and explain myself to her, she'll just give me a hug and ask whats up, instead of commenting on the SH.
Worst?
The first time I ever went to a doctor about it, he laughed and said I didn't look like a self-harmer.
Needless to say I fled and didn't seek help for a further 3 months after that. It still mortifies me thinking about it and it was 9 years ago.
Agree on the objects thing. I mostly used razor blades but if I didn't have them I'd just punch walls. If someone wants to hurt themselves, they will find a way.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-csUiWfTXQ
That situation made me not want to tell any one else for quite a while, but once I started to talk to my friends again about it, they were supportive and didn't judge me.
I don't know whether my friends reaction was about lack of knowledge about the subject or whether she just did generally hate me.
feel free to have a read of it:
http://utterlycray.blogspot.co.uk/
this issue really makes me angry because another thing is people think you can just stop cutting, but its a gradual process as you change your state of mind- and you can't do it alone!
Negative experiences.. Really ignorent G.Ps who seem to have no compassion or understanding of SH or depression. Top 2 stupid things a GP has said to me include 'Well what do you want me to do?' and at my darkest period and pretty much comotose to what was going around me my mum dragged me to the G.P really worried just before I was admitted to hospital and he said 'Speak! Why are you not speaking??'.
Also I'm not sure if this counts but something which still resonates really powerfully is my mum's reaction to me self-harming when she came into my room and saw the mess and me on the floor with blades. She just felt so helpless, cried and pleaded with me not to do it again telling me she loved me and couldn't bear it. It isn't the wrong reaction to self harm at all, it's probably the most understandable one coming from a mother. I still get upset thinking about how much I hurt her and how upset she was.
No one really mentions my scars though they are pretty noticable especially in summer. My friends know they're there and my boyfriend noticed them before we started dating but said that he didn't want to ask about it initially because he guessed what they were. (He had SH'd in the past)
When working at a school with really young children, a little boy asked what the marks were but I just fobbed him off with cat scratches
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This is really insightful - and disturbing! We're actually in the process of looking to create a pledge for GPs in relation to self-harm so it would be good to know if there are any more experiences along these lines that we can challenge with it.
Now there's a nominee for Cunt of the Century
Ah I'm sure there are tons!
I got the impression that my G.P was of the old school variety but it's no excuse.
I found that GPs within the same practice can vary a lot in terms of support and advice. My previous GP to the one I have now told me I'd never amount to anything and I found her judgemental and verging on rude. It made communication hard because I was so worried about what her reaction was going to be. The times when I was honest with her, and I'm thinking of one time in particular, she brushed it aside and told me to get on with things. My current GP however is brilliant, I haven't had any issues and he has listened. I don't feel like he's judging me and I feel safe talking to him.
GPs need to treat mental illness are seriously as physical illness. Easier said than done I admit.